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JOKE TIME

Tell us how you wind down and regenerate your mind, body and spirit.

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JOKE TIME

Postby Dolly » Sat Sep 03, 2005 2:19 pm

If you know of any jokes or stories to brighten our day, please feel free to share them here with everyone.

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Postby Dolly » Sat Sep 03, 2005 2:40 pm

The elderly woman and the pill

The old doctor that had a 60-year-old woman as a client for most of her life - finally retired.

When making an appointment for her next medical check up, the replacement doctor told the patient, to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through her medication his eyes grew wide when he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes! They help me sleep at night."

Most peturbed, the young doctor said, "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... Believe me - it helps me sleep very well at night !!!"
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Postby Dolly » Sat Sep 03, 2005 2:42 pm

Foggy Memory

A bloke is in the Supermarket queue when he notices a rather dishy blonde across from him raise her hand and smile hello.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

"Ummm...." he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I shagged on the pool table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and covered me in whipped cream?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
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Postby Dolly » Sat Sep 03, 2005 2:43 pm

The NewZealand Farmer

A Kiwi farmer was herding his flock in a remote NZ pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW X5 advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, D&G sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The
farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why
not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his vodafone cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the
internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on
his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data
via an email on his IPod and, after a few minutes, receives a
response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer
and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That's right. Well, I guess you
can take one of my sheep." says the farmer. He watches the young man
select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it
into the trunk of his car.
Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks
about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant."
says the farmer.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew;
to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business. Now
give me back my dog."
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Postby Dolly » Sat Sep 03, 2005 2:44 pm

The Pope and the Queen

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her...
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Postby Dolly » Sat Sep 03, 2005 2:46 pm

Nudist Colony

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short."
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Postby Dolly » Sat Sep 03, 2005 2:47 pm

The old man and the punk

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up sat down next to him.

He had spiked hair in different colours green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said
sarcastically,

What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eyelid, the old man replied,

"Well... I got drunk once and had censored with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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APPLES AND WINE

Postby Fairie » Mon Sep 05, 2005 2:08 pm

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the censored out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
-Fay-

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STOLEN IN THE NIGHT

Postby Guest » Mon Sep 05, 2005 6:46 pm

>>-------------------------------------------------
>>
>>Stolen in The Night
>>It's happening every day.
>>
>>My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago.
>>It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with
>>someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked
oatmeal.
>>Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for
>>years?
>>
>>Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
>>
>>I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and
>>angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer
Energy
>>pantyhose.
>>
>>Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.
>>My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took
pains
>>to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three
inches
>>lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.
Now,
>>my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that
>>long skirts would stay in fashion.
>>
>>It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.
>>One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched horrified but
fascinated
>>as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the
>>hairbrush. This was really getting scary.
>>
>>My body was being replaced one section at a time.
>>How clever and fiendish.
>>
>>Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up,
>>unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked
repeatedly
>>and without warning.
>>
>>In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?
>>
>>My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it
>>now resembled.
>>
>>That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical
>>profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the
coffee.
>>
>>That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.
>>You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?
>>
>>The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look
again.
>>Was it lifted from you?
>>
>>I think I finally found my thighs... and I hope that Cindy Crawford
paid
>>a really good price for them!
>>
>>This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every
>>night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
>>
>>P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my
breasts.
>>I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was
>>relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I
slept.
>>
>>Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
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Postby Fairie » Mon Sep 05, 2005 6:50 pm

Sorry forgot to log in when I posted Stolen in the Night :)
-Fay-

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Postby Dolly » Mon Sep 05, 2005 7:57 pm

Blonde Construction worker

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He made his own lunch."
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Postby Dolly » Mon Sep 05, 2005 7:58 pm

The Irish Farmer

An Irishman goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm.

Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious but doesn't say anything.

The same thing happens when the Irishman returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

When he returns for the fourth time, the owner cannot contain his curiosity and asks him why he keeps coming back for more chicks.

The Irishman says: "Well I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too

close together."
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Postby Dolly » Mon Sep 05, 2005 7:58 pm

Taking it with you

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a cheque."
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Postby Dolly » Mon Sep 05, 2005 8:00 pm

Two Antennas

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.
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Postby Dolly » Mon Sep 05, 2005 8:01 pm

Locker Room Phone Call
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat it's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000"
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

With a big smile he asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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