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Benifits of Wearing Undies

Postby Fairie » Wed Sep 07, 2005 4:58 pm

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle. . . . . . expecially in public.

This was apparently in the Sydney Morning Herald (not sure when).

It is a strory of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car, on closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hands UP his shorts and tucked everything back in place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic however, had to have 3 stitches in his head.

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Postby Dolly » Wed Sep 07, 2005 6:45 pm

Train Sleeper

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," laughs the man.

"Good," she replies. "You can go get your own blanket."
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A Moden take on a Old Classic

Postby Fairie » Thu Sep 08, 2005 12:21 pm

This is a classic!

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to
REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who
sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... for those who
don't, you're too young anyway.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one


COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office; can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?


COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that.
Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can
I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one But it's the most popular Word in the world.


ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?


COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?


(A few days later)................................

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

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Postby Dolly » Thu Sep 08, 2005 8:59 pm

Australian Women

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, he didn't see any thing the next day either, but by the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
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Where are all the British?

Postby Fairie » Tue Oct 04, 2005 9:33 pm

A Somalian arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr.Englishman for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!" The person says "I no Blitish. I flom Hong Kong"

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not British!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a British
citizen?" She says, "No, I am from Rumania!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the British?" The Rumanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says... "Probably at work."

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Postby Dolly » Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:20 am

Some Thoughts to Ponder

You'll have heard some of these before, but not all of them Just some light hearted humour...

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

4. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

6. I went to the bookshop and asked for the self-help section - the assistant said it would defeat the object

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, should his hands be washed with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest talking with no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a little unnerving that doctors 'practice' medicine?

13. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?

14. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they still tell him he has a right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on drive-thru cash machines?

23. How do they get deer to cross at the yellow road sign?

24. Do clowns taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people

27. Do mermaids wear algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a 'civil' war?

30. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest too?

31. If you ate pasta then antipasti, would you still be hungry?

32. If you try to fail but suceed, which have you done?

33. Whose idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have an S in it?

34. Why aren't haemorrhoids called 'assteroids'?

35. Why is it called tourist season when you can't shoot them?

36. Why is the alphabet in that order?

37. If a Black Box flight recorder cannot be damaged, why isn't the whole plane made of it?

38. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

39. If you spin an oriental man in a circle, does he become disoriented?

40. Since people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

41. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

42. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

43. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

44. When someone asks for a penny for your thought, and you put your two cents in, what happened to the other penny?

45. Why is the man who invests your money called a broker?

46. Why do croutons come in airtight packets when they're just stale bread?

47. When cheese gets its photo taken, what does it say?

48. How come a piano player is called a pianist, but a man who races is not called a racist?

49. Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?

50. Why are overlook and oversee opposite things?

51. 'I am' is the shortest sentence in the English language. Is 'I do' the longest?

52. Since lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, can electricians be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and drycleaners depressed?

53. If FED EX and UPS merged, would they call themselves FED UP?

54. Do Lipton Tea employess take coffee breaks?

55. What hair colour is on the drivers license of bald people?

56. If mothers feed their babies with tiny spoons, do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

57. Why do they put photos of criminals up in the Post Office?

58. If its true that we are here to help others, what are the others here for?

59. You never really learn how to swear until you learn how to drive

60. Nobody ever says 'Its only a game' when they are winning

61. Would the speed of lightning be different if it didn't zigzag?

62. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

63. Do the people who spend a fortune on Evian water know that it spells NAIVE backwards?

64. Isn't a smoking section in a restaurant like a peeing section in a swimming pool?

65. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags, and the Tampa Bay Bucaneers are the Bucs, what does that make the Tennesee Titans?

66. If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?
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Dangers of E-Mails!!

Postby Fairie » Sun Oct 09, 2005 4:58 pm

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and, without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 January 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

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Postby Dolly » Fri Nov 11, 2005 12:29 pm

Qantas Airlines

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks ’cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget
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Postby hushpuppy » Fri Nov 11, 2005 8:54 pm

lol speaking of planes this was in our local paper

To many people the constant whine of the aircraft's Pratt and Whitney engines is a comforting sign that Tassie is in touch with the world as the plane daily freights in our parcels, letters and newspapers.

To others who choose to snooze, as readers of this newspaper's On The Spot column have complained, Mr O'Dae's plane is a nightly nuisance.

"I have certainly proposed to the relevant authorities that we take a path five miles (9km) to the east of the city
We have prescribed tracks which take us from Launceston in a straight line to Wonthaggi in Victoria then over Tassie.

"The aircraft is safest in a straight flight path," We leave Melbourne daily at 1.30am to arrive in Launceston at 2.30am then fly out of Launceston for Melbourne at 3.10am And the reason for a greater degree of noise from freight planes is their age.

"They're 30 years old
The bad news for light sleepers under the 727s' flight path is that those aircraft are going to be around for a while yet.

"Expect to see them around for at least another three to five years," he said.

And, of course, hear them at 2.30am.

lol. i do live in a small town but i love hearing the plane in the early morn
Cheers Jules
SW 107kg
CW 99.8kg
GW 65kg
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Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Wed Nov 16, 2005 7:36 pm

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian were sitting in the pub comparing notes on their bedroom performance.

"My wife loves what I do to her" says the Englishman " whenever I do my special thing she feels so good she levitates a whole inch off the bed"

"You call that good?" replies the Irishman "I'm so good in bed, my sweet loving gets the ball and chain floating a foot off the bead, moaning my name!"

The Australian bloke looks at the other two and sniggers. "ok youse fellas, listen to the bedroom master. Last night I took the missus to bed. We had a right royal time and she loved it. When I'd finished, I got up, went over to the window and wiped my dick on the curtains. You blokes think your wives' reactions were good, my wife screamed my name and hit the roof"
35kg lost. (November 2005 - October 2006)
15kg gained again (as at October 2010).
Back to the drawing board - Let's do this thing!

"You can't change the winds, but you can change the sails"

"Reach out and take control of what lands in your lap"

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Actual Things Said in Court

Postby Fairie » Thu Nov 17, 2005 7:32 am

Actual Things Said in Court.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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nominated best UK joke 2004

Postby linda » Thu Nov 17, 2005 8:41 pm

> I was asked to run a marathon.
> I said, "P*ss off".
> They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."
> Then I thought........f*ck, I could win this...........

Postby Dolly » Thu Nov 17, 2005 9:48 pm

Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am"

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water
again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he
begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again
asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Postby Guest » Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:14 pm

After a lengthy study, a South American Scientist has discovered that
people with insufficient bedroom activity in their lives tend to read their
e-mails with their hand still on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off, it's too late......

Postby Fairie » Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:09 pm

Ha Ha :lol:

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