Some Thoughts to Ponder
You'll have heard some of these before, but not all of them Just some light hearted humour...
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation
4. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live
6. I went to the bookshop and asked for the self-help section - the assistant said it would defeat the object
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, should his hands be washed with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest talking with no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a little unnerving that doctors 'practice' medicine?
13. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
14. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they still tell him he has a right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on drive-thru cash machines?
23. How do they get deer to cross at the yellow road sign?
24. Do clowns taste funny?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people
27. Do mermaids wear algebra?
28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
29. How is it possible to have a 'civil' war?
30. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest too?
31. If you ate pasta then antipasti, would you still be hungry?
32. If you try to fail but suceed, which have you done?
33. Whose idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have an S in it?
34. Why aren't haemorrhoids called 'assteroids'?
35. Why is it called tourist season when you can't shoot them?
36. Why is the alphabet in that order?
37. If a Black Box flight recorder cannot be damaged, why isn't the whole plane made of it?
38. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
39. If you spin an oriental man in a circle, does he become disoriented?
40. Since people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
41. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
42. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
43. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
44. When someone asks for a penny for your thought, and you put your two cents in, what happened to the other penny?
45. Why is the man who invests your money called a broker?
46. Why do croutons come in airtight packets when they're just stale bread?
47. When cheese gets its photo taken, what does it say?
48. How come a piano player is called a pianist, but a man who races is not called a racist?
49. Why are wise man and wise guy opposites?
50. Why are overlook and oversee opposite things?
51. 'I am' is the shortest sentence in the English language. Is 'I do' the longest?
52. Since lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, can electricians be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and drycleaners depressed?
53. If FED EX and UPS merged, would they call themselves FED UP?
54. Do Lipton Tea employess take coffee breaks?
55. What hair colour is on the drivers license of bald people?
56. If mothers feed their babies with tiny spoons, do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
57. Why do they put photos of criminals up in the Post Office?
58. If its true that we are here to help others, what are the others here for?
59. You never really learn how to swear until you learn how to drive
60. Nobody ever says 'Its only a game' when they are winning
61. Would the speed of lightning be different if it didn't zigzag?
62. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
63. Do the people who spend a fortune on Evian water know that it spells NAIVE backwards?
64. Isn't a smoking section in a restaurant like a peeing section in a swimming pool?
65. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags, and the Tampa Bay Bucaneers are the Bucs, what does that make the Tennesee Titans?
66. If four out of five people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?