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GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

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GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

Postby GayleMarie » Tue Jun 09, 2009 9:43 pm

Hello, Well this is it! I am 5 foot 2 & 95kilos...(cringes). I look horrid. I can stand it. I walk past the mirror as it sicken's me. I see a reflexion of myself in a shop windows & I am ashamed. I haven't got any motivation as I have given up on myself.
I have been married for 19 years to a wonderful man who thinks I am gorgeous, & loves me dearly. He has seen me at my thinnest (47kilos when I was 16) & seen me at my biggest & has never once said a bad word about me to me or anyone. He tells me all the time that he would love me just the same if I was as thin as a model or as big as a house. He support me when I go on my fitness programs & comforts me when feel like I have failed. On Monday I had a crying session on the floor of our bedroom & he sat beside me & told me that I was the most beautiful women in the world & that its my heart full of love, kindness & happiness & my funny personality & great sence of humor that makes him love me more & more everyday that passes. This is fantastic to hear & I feel very loved by him & my 3 children but I feel like I am letting them & myself down by not being the best I can be. Before I was pregnant with my son (18 years ago ) I was 55 kilo's (though I was only 21) since then my weight has gone up & down but never under 65kilo's.
14 years after having our son & 14 years of my husband & I trying desperatley for baby number 2, Two more little miracles came along (one daughter who is now 3 years old & another daughter who has just turned 9 months old). when I was pregnant with my first daughter I got to 98kilos, with my 9 month old I also got to 98 kilo's. I was hoping that I would loose a heap of weight after having my little one but that didn't happen. For 15 years or more I have lived on diets with my weight yo yoing throughout the years also. I have been to weight watches a few times, I have gone on exersize fitness health kicks, I have done the eat 6 small meals a day, I have done the eat breaky & tea but no lunch, I have done the meal replacement shakes, you name it, Iv'e done it. I know the calorie & fat contents of most foods & most of the day I am too afraid to put food in my mouth, then I go on eating binges. And to add insult to injury, I also have a low thyroid problem & have to take 1 and ahalf thyroid tablets every morning (since having the girls). I think with having the girls so late in life (I am 39 years old) & having low thyroid, I am struggling up a huge mountain to overcome & the constant bouts of failure is crushing my battered soul. Dont get me wrong, I would gladly be the size of a double story house to have my kids, they mean the whole world to me, they give me the strength to smile and pretend I am ok everyday. But I have tried so hard over & over again & now I have given up trying. As soon as I get excited & go like the clappers trying my best, it doesnt make a differnce on the scales. Then I binge eat.....I starve myself for days then go crazy eating chocolate. While I am eating it I am so happy & content, then when I am full, I feel gutted, guilty & shamed not to mention depressed. I have never talked about this openly (other than to my husband & identical twin sister, who also struggles with her weight) until I found this sight. I need help, I need focus, I need to believe in myself & believe I can do it. I need to be less critical or mean to my body & understand my body, mind & soul are one, & that we are all in this together instead of looking at my body as the enemy & my mind & soul as the victims.
Thank you for reading this & good luck to you all.
GayleMarie x x x
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Re: GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

Postby GayleMarie » Thu Jun 11, 2009 5:37 pm

Thanks for all the supportive reponses. :( If there was a time I really needed help. It was when I wrote the previous letter... :( & it was really hard for me to be so honest & open. If people in the same situation as me can't understand how bad I was feeling & can't help me, then it seems that I am still on my own.
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Re: GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

Postby matchbox » Thu Jun 11, 2009 5:51 pm

Hi gaylemarie, i'm so sorry you didn't get any responses. at the moment the forum is a bit quiet, everyone seems to be bsy with works, exams etc. i hardly ever post but i read your first post and felt like i had to. you are such a strong woman, and although i dont know you, i can see that through your post. please don't give up because yo felt you didn't get any replies. there's a few general chat threads, or other peoples threads you can read and reply to, the more you support others the more you seem to get supported :) you seem so strong, and your husband is right, you sound like a beautiful woman :)
tell us about your goals, what are yu aiming for, how are you going to do it? :) feel free to start up your own thread too, it's quite fun to have somewhere to write how you're feeling.
best of luck!!
Have FAITH in yourself
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Re: GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

Postby Shalimar » Thu Jun 11, 2009 6:29 pm

Hiya, there are many reasons people may not have posted in here, we are all overweight for different reasons and mabe people couldn't relate to your particular reasons.

I did however post in your other thread so you haven't gone un-noticed :wink: :D .

Oh and best of luck for your weigh in.
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SW: 175.0 kgs.
CW: 62 kgs-Hit goal 12 September 2009.
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Re: GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

Postby BBgal » Thu Jun 11, 2009 8:11 pm

Hi and welcome.... I am sorry it seemed you were overlooked, you are right to feel a little sad because of it... you opened up and didn't get a response and that must have felt terrible. I know from my side though I usually only glance over the top 2 threads in each section, so if there had of been more posts that day in the section you posted in that was properly why I missed it, please don't take it to heart though as I do it with my own posts... I forget about a question I asked cos it works its was down the page if no one writes in it. I am sorry you have gotten to a point in your life where your weight has made you doubt your worth particularly in your relationship... It is wonderful that your partner loves you so much and is so considerate and caring that he sees you not your body. I am lucky and have the same connection with my partner, part of the advice I can offer you is this..... use that feeling of love of him, the unworthiness of your self and use is as power to shape yourself into the person you believe your partner and family deserve... THEY DESERVE A HAPPY YOU!!!! and the second part of advice is never give up. Weigh loss is a journey ... it takes time to get to the end destination if you slip .. get back up and just keep going ... even if you take a few steps backwards you will still get there if you decide to keep going forward. That is the major reason diets fail is people don't give themselves room to slip, and once the do they think its the end... that all that hard work was for nothing..... that is NOT the case, Everything in moderation . Good luck and if you need to talk ever just send a personal message to me :wink:
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SW: 99.9kg ( how close was that to triple digits) 4/11/08
CW: 72.2kg 20/06/09)
GW: 60kg ( Will re-evaluate then to see if I want lower)
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Re: GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

Postby GayleMarie » Thu Jun 11, 2009 10:02 pm

Hello, I am so sorry for typing that last post, I was just so desperate for answers & egerly waited for responses & got none & I just felt so lost & vented, I should never have typed that last post...I am sorry. Thank you for all your posts I see now that I am not alone & that other people do have the same emotional times as I do & that I do have somewhere to turn when my failures get to bad for me to hid emotionally.
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Re: GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

Postby Julz » Fri Jun 12, 2009 10:32 am

Hi GayleMarie,

I can definately relate to your situation, we have a lot of similarities. I used to be slim and trim when I was first with my partner 52kgs at 15yrs old- now I'm more than double that. I like to keep things to myself, I found this site iss a great place to vent, you don't have to be so worried about sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings with a bunch of strangers as you would with family or friends. Even if no one is reading its great to get your feelings out, I use this site partly as a journal/blog if people comment great, if not well I've still got it off my chest. This site seems to be pretty slow, I am used to larger forums with a bigger member base but this one is great because I am already starting to get to know a few of the characters around here.

I am also no stranger with the bingeing and starving thing, this is one issue that haunts me with every weight loss effort. Every day is a struggle, its hard trying to stick to doing something healthy and taking your time when you know you can just starve yourself for a few days and lose teh same amount you would in a month. But I am starting to learn that that approach is stupid because after years and years of doing it that way Iam still as fat as I was when I started, actually fatter.

I would suggest you don't diet but find some permanent solution that will work for you, a complete lifestyle change maybe? I'm using the calorie king website to track my eating and I am regularly exercising now. I am eating regular meals and never feeling hungry and I know its working better than the typical starving myself routine or bingeing and then throwing up that I was used to. I don't feel deprived of eating anything, when I am doing well I let myself have a little not so healthy food just to feel normal. If you want chocolate don't deprive yourself, eat it in moderation I am sure you could find room in your daily intake to have a couple of squares of chocolate. I get the occasional chocolate craving, instead I have a nice big mug of jarrah choclait and feel content. If you have a slip up don't worry remember you are only human, we all slip up but instead of using it for an excuse to go on a huge binge or give up just get back on that horse and keep going, you'll reach your destination eventually but if you get off the horse you'll never make it!

I know when you are overweight its easy to be disgusted at yourself and ashamed when you look in the mirror, so many of us have this problem. I'm still working on this, my self confidence is terrible but its getting better. If you start doing things to make yourself healthy- exercise and healthy eating this will help change your self perception. I look in the mirror and yes I still see a big fatty but I am also seeing the changes and thinking wow I actually look pretty today, it helps to motivate me to keep going.

It sounds like you have a great family that loves you a lot. You need to start loving yourself though, you will not only be better for it but your family will too :)
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Re: GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

Postby Gordz » Fri Jun 12, 2009 10:42 am

great post julz =) Agree with everything 100% trying to remember last time i was 52kg though... i would have been about 12!
Aussie Male, 26, 194cm.

Start date: 12/8/2013
Highest - 144.8kg

Current - 141.3kg

Goal - 110kg

3.5kg lost

31.3kg to go
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Re: GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

Postby funstopper » Tue Jun 23, 2009 4:50 pm

Hi GayleMarie, I am so sorry that I did not see your post and reply before now. I feel like I have let you down as you were kind enough to read my post and reply to me with some very kind and enouraging words.

I understand your struggle, it seems it is a commons one for not only you and me but many others on here. I am hoping that you and I might regularly read each others posts and perhaps encourage one another.

As you noted in my post, we both have children of similar ages and if I remember rightly you were the one that suggested to me putting music on and dancing around with my 3 year old as that is what you do. I have to say my 3yo and I do that now on a regular basis and we both love it, mind you she can do it for hours on end, me I've got about half an hour in me and then I'm puffed, but it is a great feeling cos I know I have got my heart rate up and we have laughed ourselves silly together. Thank you so much for that suggestion.

Please don't be discouraged, you sound to me like a very strong woman and you have a great husband and loving children behind you for support and of course then there is all of us, especially me, I feel we can be friends and help each other out. So, come on GM, let change our lives together, lets not go on a diet, or a fitness campaign, lets go through a process I am now calling a lifestyle readjustment, lets change our lives for the better and do it for ourselves and our loved ones.
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Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did

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Re: GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

Postby GayleMarie » Tue Jun 23, 2009 7:24 pm

Well I stood on the scales yesterday & I have lost 3 kilos in 3 weeks. I am really happy with that. I am not weighing myself every week as my weight fluctuates so I am going to weigh every 3 weeks. I have done a lot of walking, from 40 mins to 1 & a half hours. I have also done the WII fit for at least 40 mins at a time, I dance to music with my little girls (yes funstopper it was me who told you about dancing around the lounge room with your little ones LOL).
My eating has been better, but far from perfect. I am still inclined to have days were I eat one meal a day & then binge on junk, but only a couple of times. I am determined not to be fat for my 40th. My identical twin sister & I are having a fabulous 40's fairy party in January & we both want to be thinner for it, well I am 3 kilo's thinner so far.

Good luck to all of you
x x x
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Re: GayleMarie Weigh in, 95 kilo & crying

Postby funstopper » Thu Jun 25, 2009 11:26 pm

Hey GM, well done a kilo a week is good. Keep going with the walking, dancing and Wii and don't let the bad eating days get you down, just put them behind you and move forward to the next day, just take it a meal at a time.

We'll talk soon, this was just a quick post before I head to bed

Catch ya and keep smiling
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