Well, I didn't report my weigh in last week, I did weigh myself but after a horrible week and a gain I was too embarrassed and depressed to write about it...that is until now.
On Friday night, not just gone the one before, I was enjoying a really nice evening at our local pub with great friends (or so I thought) when the need to go to the toilet arose. As I entered one of the two cubicles I heard the familiar voices of two of my nearest and dearest girlfriends enter the bathroom. I was just about to speak up and let them know I was there when the first one said "So what do you think of xxxxxxx's (insert my real name here) weight loss?" Hearing that I stayed quiet to hear the response and then later I would exit the cubicle and thank them for their kind words and tell them what great friends they were and how lucky I was to have them in my life. However, the reply probably wasn't what I was expecting..."She's doing a great job so far but how long do you reckon it will last?" And as I slumped back down onto the toilet seat all ears listening to their conversation this is how it unfolded.
"Yeah, I dont know probably not long."
"She is so obssessive about it, but then she's like that with everything, this is just like her latest phase she is going thru."
"I know, its kind of sad really, I know she's going to alot of effort, watching what she eats and exercising most days but all that effort will be for nothing when she moves on to her next fad thing and puts it all back on."
"How is she doing it do you know? I heard she was only drinking xndo shakes"
"I heard she had been to the doctor and was on one of those weightloss pills, duromine or reductil. Do you believe her story about doing it properly with weight watchers and just exercising heaps."
"I don't know, she doesn't seem like the type to exercise to me, unless its her elbow lifting another pot to her mouth"
"Hahaha...yeh now thats the kind of exercise I like too...hahaha........lets go.............." And thats where the conversation trailed off has they left the bathroom with me still locked in the cubicle tears welling in my eyes.
I had never in my life been so hurt by two people so close to me. I had confided in these to girls about my weight loss and how I was doing it and I thought I could trust them. I know I am a little obssessive about things but I think their words were a little harsh. I really thought I could trust these two girls, afterall they were the two that helped me get through a bout of depression earlier this year and after I was diagnosed with OCD they were there for me. Now, I just find myself wondering what were they saying behind my back then.
That night I started to lose the plot, I didn't say anything to my "friends" I just carried on as if I had heard nothing but I started to drink more heavily and I began to eat all the nibbles on the bar, had a packet of chips and then when someone ordered a bowl of chips and gravy from the kitchen to share I almost devoured the lot.
The next morning I woke to a bit of a hangover and so much guilt about getting of track and drinking and eating so much (up till that point I had saved enough points for the week to indulge in 4 pure blonde stubbies which is my drink of choice lately, however judging by my headache I went well over that amount). I pledged to myself that it wouldn't get me down, I would soldier on and it wouldn't affect me, I'd show them, I was going to lose all my excess weight and not put it back on and then they would be proven wrong.
How wrong I was...what happened next absolutely floored me. As I sat at the breakfast table, gingerly sipping a cup of tea, I mentioned the overheard conversation to my hubby. Instead of the support I was expecting I got a totally unexpected result. In a nutshell his words were that he agreed with the girls, I was obsessed with this 'weight loss thing'(his words not mine). He said it was like a stupid hobby and that it was taking all of my time, out walking for at least an hour a day and on the bloody computer tracking what I eat, when I should be paying more attention to the kids and getting stuff done around the house. He actually said something along the lines of this being worse than when I was originally diagnosed with OCD.
I was absolutely floored. I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. I was so crushed, even more so than the night before by my friends. This was my husband, the one person who is supposed to love and support me unconditionally. Needless to say we barely spoke for the rest of the weekend and speaking was limited to the bare essentials, "good morning" "how was your day" "whats for tea" "how were the kids today" etc for almost a week.
For the remainder of the weekend I ate everything and anything in sight. Just a small example would be, a packet of tim tams, two packets of 2 min noodles with grated cheese melted on top, numerous chocolate crackles left over from the kids christmas party, lollies by the handful, pizza, and the list goes on and on.
Then on Monday morning I woke with all the good intentions but by mid morning I was eating bbq shapes by the handful and drinking coke, not my usual diet coke I sometime indulge in but real full sugar coke. Then in the afternoon and evening while catering for a dinner function I found myself "taste testing" everything...turkish breads and creamy dips, pavlova, cream puffs, potatoes drenched in butter etc. Yesterday was a little better but only as I was busy with kinder orientation in the morning and then numerous other commitments in the afternoon. Then on the morning of my weigh in I nearly wasn't going to do it and then I remembered my pledge I made Saturday morning and decided I would do it anyway...just maybe it will be enough of a shock to get my back on track. I had gained 300g, which considering the previous 5 days of no exercise at all, even limited incidental exercise and all the eating is pretty much a miracle. I was determined as of that morning that my "friends" and my "husband" can eat my excess fat cos I don't want it anymore. I firmly strapped myself back on the wagon and decided I will do this for me. I am not losing weight to show them I can do it, bugger them. I am doing this for me and for my health. I have decided that I will never mention the overheard conversation to my "friends" but for a while at least I will have minimal contact with them and just see what happens. As for hubby he'll be in the dog house a bit longer yet, not sure when I'll let him out.
Well, that was a week ago and here I am today facing another weigh in, I was so nervous this morning standing in from of those scales, I knew I had done all the right things this week and exercised each day but I could still faintly hear the voices of my friends in my head. I shook their voices out of my head and climbed onto those scales with more trepidation than ever. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and then opened them again to look at the number staring me in the face. WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO, I'd had a loss of 1.8kg. I'm back...thats what I thought to myself, dispite their comments and their doubts...I'm back and I am going to kick this weight and get to goal. This time next year I can't wait to sit back in that cubicle and hear what my so called friends have to say about me then, not to mention my chubby hubby.
So, my stats for last week and current as of today are as follows...
SW = > 130kg
PW => 116.7kg
CW => 117.0kg
SW => 130kg
CW => 115.2kg
GW => 69kg
And, hears to the week ahead, this week I am hoping to hit my next goal and reach my 10% loss of original WW starting weight. Thats another 400g to lose this week and I'm sure I'll smash it.
FunStopperPerseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did