Hi everyone! I have been on the weight loss roller coaster for about 8 years now and am more than a little tired of the ride. I realised that my 20's are slipping away and that i have only been healthy and slim for 1 1/2 to 2 years of that time. I turn 28 this year and i don't want another birthday to go by with me being fat, and unhappy about it.
Some background on me: I have had concerns and a preoccupation with my weight since i was about 12. However, I was actually a healthy weight until i was about 19 and started work at a bakery. The strange hours, tempting foods coupled with depression led to me ballooning to 85kg.
At the age of 20, i had a holiday planned for Queensland. I couldn't bear the idea of the trip being spoiled by me feeling self-conscious about how i looked or missing out on meeting guys. So i decided to lose weight, with that as my initial motivating force. In around 10 months i lost 20 kilos. I reduced my fat intake to around 20 grams a day, rode my bike to and from work (a 40 min round trip, 4-5 days a week), walked for 45mins- 1hr 3-5 days a week and did crunches most days. I changed to skim milk, stopped using margarine and cut out sugary soft drinks, things like that.
I was so happy to be able to wear clothes i actually liked, rather than ones that camouflaged, and i can't say i hated the attention and whistles. I felt proud of the accomplishment and i had faith in myself - a belief that when i said i would do something...i knew i would DO it.
I met my husband (now ex) at that weight and when we got married i was about 68kg. He started trying to control my weight from the honeymoon. We had been married maybe 2 days and i was having a piece of our wedding cake for dessert. He asked if i really thought i should be eating it and to be careful not to put on weight. For the four years we were married, weight was probably the issue we fought over the most. He would berate me and make fun of me for my weight (which went up to about 76kg; i'm 172cm so i was overweight, but not by much), made faces of disgust when i undressed (as a 'joke'), withheld censored and told me i was untrustworthy because i said i would lose weight and then didn't. He would check the bin or keep tabs on what was in the cupboard to see if i had had a binge. He would either be very angry or make fun of me. It was a rare day when my weight wasn't mentioned.
I was very unhappy in our marriage for other reasons as well, not relevant here, and comfort eating was a big problem for me. As was eating secretively, eating out of habit, eating in front of the TV, etc...all the bad habits. When divorce seemed a more imminent threat than usual i went from 74.5kg to 67.5kg. I walked, swam, did Pilates, crunches and hand weights and reduced my fat, sugar and carb intake. My ex was pleased but told me i 'still needed to work on my ar$e'. He said he didn't want to give me too much credit or praise because then i would stop trying to lose weight. I was slim, healthy and had worked hard to get there...but i was never good enough.
At the tail end of our marriage, i went up to about the mid 80's in kgs and finally ended it. When i moved back closer to my family a few months later i was in the mid 90's. That was 2 years ago and now i'm 102kg and i'm tired of carrying this emotional and physical baggage around.
I just ended a relationship recently, very amicably, which helped me realise i'm ready. I think i kept the weight on as a way to protect myself...so that if i was with a guy and he could love me fat, i would know he really did love me. With this guy, my weight was a non-issue. He was one of those people that see beyond it. He loves me, thinks i'm beautiful as i am and won't let me put myself down. I have dreamed of finding that. It didn't work out for other reasons, but now i know that i can let my guard down. There are good people out there.
Sorry this is so long...but it's a long story
. I'm at a point now where i do want this..but am so afraid that i will fail again. Or i might succeed and then blow it. Everytime i don't stick to a plan, i lose a bit more faith in myself. My problem is that i know exactly what to do to lose the weight...i know what i should eat and when and what exercises to do...but i have trouble staying on task. I give up when it gets hard or something upsets me. I know i can do this, because i've done it twice before...but the amount of times i have given up are innumerable.
I guess i sought this board out as a way to motivate myself and a place i can go when i'm tempted to bail on my mission. I figure it's also a way for me to be accountable. My goal is to get to 68kg by my birthday in September...it's my present to myself. Then i want to get to 59kg by Christmas (yes, it's my Xmas present to myself
). I realise 59kg might be a bit lower than i need to go, although it's in my healthy weight range, so that number might change a bit.
I'm excited and scared and hopeful. It begins today...