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A birthday present to myself

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A birthday present to myself

Postby joanna78 » Sat Mar 18, 2006 7:15 am

Hi everyone! I have been on the weight loss roller coaster for about 8 years now and am more than a little tired of the ride. I realised that my 20's are slipping away and that i have only been healthy and slim for 1 1/2 to 2 years of that time. I turn 28 this year and i don't want another birthday to go by with me being fat, and unhappy about it.

Some background on me: I have had concerns and a preoccupation with my weight since i was about 12. However, I was actually a healthy weight until i was about 19 and started work at a bakery. The strange hours, tempting foods coupled with depression led to me ballooning to 85kg.

At the age of 20, i had a holiday planned for Queensland. I couldn't bear the idea of the trip being spoiled by me feeling self-conscious about how i looked or missing out on meeting guys. So i decided to lose weight, with that as my initial motivating force. In around 10 months i lost 20 kilos. I reduced my fat intake to around 20 grams a day, rode my bike to and from work (a 40 min round trip, 4-5 days a week), walked for 45mins- 1hr 3-5 days a week and did crunches most days. I changed to skim milk, stopped using margarine and cut out sugary soft drinks, things like that.

I was so happy to be able to wear clothes i actually liked, rather than ones that camouflaged, and i can't say i hated the attention and whistles. I felt proud of the accomplishment and i had faith in myself - a belief that when i said i would do something...i knew i would DO it.

I met my husband (now ex) at that weight and when we got married i was about 68kg. He started trying to control my weight from the honeymoon. We had been married maybe 2 days and i was having a piece of our wedding cake for dessert. He asked if i really thought i should be eating it and to be careful not to put on weight. For the four years we were married, weight was probably the issue we fought over the most. He would berate me and make fun of me for my weight (which went up to about 76kg; i'm 172cm so i was overweight, but not by much), made faces of disgust when i undressed (as a 'joke'), withheld censored and told me i was untrustworthy because i said i would lose weight and then didn't. He would check the bin or keep tabs on what was in the cupboard to see if i had had a binge. He would either be very angry or make fun of me. It was a rare day when my weight wasn't mentioned.

I was very unhappy in our marriage for other reasons as well, not relevant here, and comfort eating was a big problem for me. As was eating secretively, eating out of habit, eating in front of the TV, etc...all the bad habits. When divorce seemed a more imminent threat than usual i went from 74.5kg to 67.5kg. I walked, swam, did Pilates, crunches and hand weights and reduced my fat, sugar and carb intake. My ex was pleased but told me i 'still needed to work on my ar$e'. He said he didn't want to give me too much credit or praise because then i would stop trying to lose weight. I was slim, healthy and had worked hard to get there...but i was never good enough.

At the tail end of our marriage, i went up to about the mid 80's in kgs and finally ended it. When i moved back closer to my family a few months later i was in the mid 90's. That was 2 years ago and now i'm 102kg and i'm tired of carrying this emotional and physical baggage around.

I just ended a relationship recently, very amicably, which helped me realise i'm ready. I think i kept the weight on as a way to protect myself...so that if i was with a guy and he could love me fat, i would know he really did love me. With this guy, my weight was a non-issue. He was one of those people that see beyond it. He loves me, thinks i'm beautiful as i am and won't let me put myself down. I have dreamed of finding that. It didn't work out for other reasons, but now i know that i can let my guard down. There are good people out there.

Sorry this is so long...but it's a long story :) . I'm at a point now where i do want this..but am so afraid that i will fail again. Or i might succeed and then blow it. Everytime i don't stick to a plan, i lose a bit more faith in myself. My problem is that i know exactly what to do to lose the weight...i know what i should eat and when and what exercises to do...but i have trouble staying on task. I give up when it gets hard or something upsets me. I know i can do this, because i've done it twice before...but the amount of times i have given up are innumerable.

I guess i sought this board out as a way to motivate myself and a place i can go when i'm tempted to bail on my mission. I figure it's also a way for me to be accountable. My goal is to get to 68kg by my birthday in September...it's my present to myself. Then i want to get to 59kg by Christmas (yes, it's my Xmas present to myself :-)). I realise 59kg might be a bit lower than i need to go, although it's in my healthy weight range, so that number might change a bit.

I'm excited and scared and hopeful. It begins today...

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Postby Dolly » Sat Mar 18, 2006 9:35 am

Wow Joanna, you've been through a lot, what a selfish nasty Ex you had.
Welcome to the Weightloss Forum and yes we will be here to guide you and listen to you and help you with anything we can.

I have tried so many diets, it's not funny anymore. I also want to lose weight by September for my daughters wedding (I don't want to be remembered as the fat mother of the bride hiding in the background of wedding photo's)
I have a thyroid gland problem which slows weight loss down for me but I also jepodise every diet by sneaking a bite, taste or nibble of naughty foods here and there.
I'm on a great new diet that is called the Tony Ferguson Diet but I am my own worse enemy by not following all the rules.
I will start again as of this day and give it another chance.
http://www.weightloss.com.au/forum/viewtopic.php?t=865
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Postby carleyjt » Sat Mar 18, 2006 10:18 am

Wow Joanna, you certainly have a story to tell.

Personally i think to lose weight you have to believe it in your head for it to really work and by the sounds of it you are well and truly in the right mindset. Congratulations on your goals and will see you around the forum :D
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Postby jaydees » Sat Mar 18, 2006 10:58 am

hi and welcome,you are certainly in the right place.i joined a couple of weeks ago and u couldnt have a nicer bunch of people to talk to and support u.u sound like a determined kind of person and u can do it again and stay on track this time.i am sure u will.not good to be in an abusive relationship and remember u r number 1 always!
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Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Sat Mar 18, 2006 3:55 pm

Hi Joanna,
Keeping up motivation in hard times is hard, which is why a support group like this is great. For me the first few months were the hardest, but the more times I was tempted and overcame, and the more times I gave in, but got straight back on track, the easier it got. The most important thing is to know that you probably will slip up an some point (hence the cfonfessions topic) - but that's ok. If every time you slightly veered off path driving you said "oh well, I've done it now, I'm just gonna have to give up steering" I'd feel sorry for your car!! Losing weight is the same. You veer off path, you correct and get back on it.

This is a fantastic forum to keep yourself accountable and have a sympathetic and supportive group to talk to. I know it helped me especially in the early months!
35kg lost. (November 2005 - October 2006)
15kg gained again (as at October 2010).
Back to the drawing board - Let's do this thing!

"You can't change the winds, but you can change the sails"

"Reach out and take control of what lands in your lap"

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Postby Angel » Sat Mar 18, 2006 11:18 pm

Welcome Joanna,

Thank you for sharing your story, boy, some men can be pigs! Good for you for having the strength to find out that there are decent men out there that will love us for us, no matter our size.

I think we are all the more successful in our weightloss efforts if we have chosen to lose weight for ourselves, not for someone else. Remember, you've done it before so you have the strength to do it again.

You'll get heaps of support here, I look forward to sharing your weight loss journey,
Angel
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Postby Tas » Sun Mar 19, 2006 6:13 am

Hi Joanna
Welcome to the forum and thank you for being so up front in your introduction and sharing your heartache with us here - that will help you unload and to get back on track.
Can I suggest that you make small goals to start with - aim for losing 2-5 kilo's - once you reach that goal set another small one.
Today you could start by setting a small goal such as no biscuits today or no fizzy drinks - just for today! That is a goal that is achievable.
Each day set another goal - for example tomorrow set your self a goal to walk 30 minutes (more if you want to do it).
Tiny, small, achievable goals will set you up to succeed and you will succeed.
Good luck and don't forget that we are all in the same boat with weightloss and now you are here we can help you embark on your *lifestyle* (not diet) it is a lifestyle change.
Try working on 80/20 - eat well and exercise 80% of the time and then allow yourself a treat - 2-3 times a week I allow myself a small piece of cake or some chocolate.
Well done for getting this far and joining a group of like-minded people - you will find this forum very supportive.
Cheers
Maria
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Postby hushpuppy » Sun Mar 19, 2006 1:08 pm

Welcome Joanna . U will get heaps of support here on this site
Hope to chat soon
Cheers Jules
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Postby Fairie » Mon Mar 20, 2006 4:49 pm

Welcome Joanna,

How terrible for you to even be chastised about food on your Honeymoon, that is so low.

We all have fears of not succeeding in this weightloss journey we are on and it is not easy. This a great place to be when the going get tough everyone here is so supportive. :D
-Fay-

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