Hi I am not trying but am going to succeed in being healthy and fitter me. I am not going to be interested in scales and weighing myself to determine this as I have done in the past and this is because, I am a failure before I start when I use scales and food to control my dieting.
I am 40 and gained 20 kilos 10 years ago and this has now gone to nearly 30 kilos in the last 2 years. Why? EMOTIONS. My biggest war with myself is my depression which started before I gained weight. (I am sure there are many who will agree with this fact). I was fit and healthy, had a few kilos which I liked on me before I had post natal depression 13 years ago. I didnt gain weight till after the next birth. Then I lost very important things that kept me feeling good about myself such as confidence and respect. I gained things that helped hide the losses and my new insecure and sad me. Isolating myself, not caring about how I looked, losing also the interest in having a separate life to my husband and children which helped keep me interesting and self-confident. I was sad and felt guilty being depressed and I became a pleaser to my husband and I allowed my life my soul to disappear and I became a mother and wife not a person and individual. My husband was an angry man and this made it important for me to be a pleaser, to keep him appeased. This did not save my marriage or my self. He left me for a very young girl who was 4 months older than our eldest daughter, (17) She has now become what I was but she is slim and loving him, she puts him before our children and her new child to him. This is what he needed, what he wanted and I felt so guilty and depressed that I could not get him back and give him this.
It took 4 years to realise that I am a very important and beautiful person, I have a generous personality and I am loving and loyal. If he did not want me in his life than that was his choice and due to his emotional problems nothing to do with me and who I am. I still have depression and this illness will be with me for a very long time, but I have great resource and I make it live with me not the other way around. I treat it like diabetes or epilepsy.
I wrote that this was going to be brutally honest and maybe it isnt as brutal as Chopper Reeds Autobiography but it is an enormous admission from me to say all of this.
I do eat because of emotions, I am agrophobic and embarrassed to go to gyms due to the largeness of body and smallness of ability to do the exercises. I sometimes get nervous going into my backyard. I work and am happy on the outside to the people I serve at the cafe I work......I have turned off beer battered fries and I dont eat much while working. This is sometimes a worse way to keep weight on, not eating regular but just when you are hungry. I am going on this journey for the last time and I hope to share the good and bad and the ugly......and will listen and learn from the members already going on this journey or have succeeded.
Thank you for reading my life, and I am looking to the next time I can talk with more of my life and maybe there are a few members out there that share my journey? have similar life moments.