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Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

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Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby Indi3 » Sat Jul 05, 2008 1:22 pm

So I'm new to this but not in any way new to the weight loss concept.. this has been ruling my life since i was 6 years old. And I'm over it. I just want to lose the weight and never put it back on and just be able to live my life.

So, I have, in the past, managed to lose weight.. but i always put it back on. (I know, it sounds like every dieters story.) Its almost like i feel like i dont deserve to look good. ANd even when i have lost the weight its never enough and im still not happy. In a strange way, perhaps thats why i put weight on again, so that i have to learn the lesson to be happy no matter what.

Anyway.. its all a mind game.

I have tried so many different ways to see the weight thing but it always comes back to the same feelings: When i'm feeling really fat i am constantly anxious, waking up with anxiety, hate myself and berrate myself for being soooo fat and ugly, how could I have let myself get sooo humungus! That feeling then makes me stuck in depreresion. I cant leave the house for fear of people looking at me and thinking "she's so fat". The depression also makes me an awfall person. I hate to be me and would hate to be around me so i isolate myself and sink into the nightmare i've created and can just about function enough to get to work, earn the money to pay the bills and of course buy all the comfort food. I hate it hate it hate it! I do try and reason with myself and say "your not that fat," and get inspired with clothes and manage to look good but its only temporary and the feelings of disgust tidal wave over me again. I am over it.

On a bid to over come the evil mind, i decided to take a new approach. At the beggining of the year, instead of planning a massive diet attack only to be broken again and the inevitable self hatred bla bla bla .. i gave myself until i am 30 (currently 27) to have instilled a progressive healthy lifestyle.. starting with cutting out lollies. I still havent had a lollie since last year. So i can at least be happy with myself for that! (not that its about cutting things out either.. lollies was just something i had to cut out coz there is no nutritional value in them and it has ties with childhood and the reward system which i want to break). One thing at a time is easier to take on than all at once and dont feel so "woe is me i cant eat anything or have any fun".

Recently i stopped having 'large skim coffee with 1 suger' and now have a regular skim coffee with NO sugar. And im happy with that. .. where am i going with this.. just hang in there with me.. not buying packets of biscuits is also something i just have to take on board.. coz as much as i would love to be someone who bought the biscuits but just ate one or two then put them back in the cupboard and not think about them again for the next 3 days.. I am not. If i have them they must ALL be eaten. I cannot think about anything else. So best not to buy them. I can have them at other peoples houses. But i cannot buy them.

Okay so the last thing i've been trying to do is remember this motto "keep the binging at bay, take a walk every other day" . (Binging has been my hook. My success stopper. My power switch.). So not to have binged has made me feel so free. And im just eating normally. Muesli for breakfast, chicken salad mountain bread wrap for lunch, pasta or stir fry or vegie saugages for dinner. (Thats not bad, is it!?)... BUT I JUST KEEP PUTTING ON WEIGHT! Its out of control! I feel like its (It's = fat) taking over my body at an extreamly rapid rate! And trying not to let in the thought demons and self loathing come in is getting harder to maintain!

I dont know what to do.

I am sick of going the whole hog on the diet plan. I've done it to death. I am trying or rather not trying to try, and just implement healthy living over a period of time and stay balanced and eat healthy and go for walks BUT ITS NOT WORKING!!!!!!!!! Arrrh! Im going insane. My thighs are massive and i cant bear to have a shower.

Oh and i even did the whole, 'i love my body no matter what' thing.. moisturising, massaging thinking good thoughts etc .. yes, including on my thighs.. you know, going for the 'cellular level approach'.

And im wondering, that perhaps all this abusive thinking iv done to myself over the years has concreated itself into all my cells that no new approach is going to work.. no new thinking plan will be able to tap into the cells for the cells are set and theres no way in. The only way to get skinnier is to go hell for leather at the gym and stick to a very strict eating plan. Which is exaclty what i dont want to do!

So to sum up..
- i dont want to do a massive hard core plan that i can potentially fail at and thus egnite the reoccuring evil and give him permission to enter my mind.
- I have acknowleged past patterns and am illiminating accordingly
- looking at a descent time frame to instill a healthier lifestyle for mind and body.

I really dont think that that is unreasonable. So now i would like the F.A.T to F. OFF. Because its making me very sad and feel unworthly and ugly and yukky and disgusted ............. bla bla bla ..

So as much as I type out the freak inner psyche and then rational it at the end.. i would really love to know what the ingredient is to clearing all the crap away and just live and be slim and free.... can someone help me please.......
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Re: Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby GoddessInside » Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:06 pm

Firstly Indi, I dared to enter and Im grateful I did ! I am really happy that you have written your first post in here. I am certain that it would have been hard for you, as you can just feel all that emotion coming out.

Secondly, congratulations for acknowledging that this is going to be a lifestyle change and that you've given yourself a healthy timeframe and goal to lose your weight and be able to maintain it. Slow and steady definitely wins the race. That's part of the success to every maintainers diet. We need to be patient and work hard, in order to see the results that we what to see.

Are you exercising ? Are you moving around ? Any incidental exercise will help you initially, to start shifting the fat. Do you have an eating plan you are going to follow or are you just going to count "calories" into a food diary ?

Lastly, I just want to give you big hugs. This little community of ours I know has definitely helped me, so I have every faith that we will be able to help and support you with as much as you need :)
SW: 233.2kgs - Nov 2012
SW148.0kgs - 14 Oct 2014
CW 141.2kgs
GW 132kg
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Re: Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby GoddessInside » Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:08 pm

P.S. Forgot to add ..... HI & WELCOME TO THE FORUM :mrgreen:
SW: 233.2kgs - Nov 2012
SW148.0kgs - 14 Oct 2014
CW 141.2kgs
GW 132kg
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Re: Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby Strawberry » Sun Jul 06, 2008 12:35 pm

i feel your pain. :( i feel like that too. I don't really know what to say but just wanted to let u know i read all u wrote & will be here to support you.
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Re: Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby Indi3 » Sun Jul 06, 2008 1:25 pm

Thanks guys .. i just wish i knew the magic formula.. i know we all want that but im seriously over the dieting thing. Especially coz i know now that it isnt about the diet or food or weight .. its something much deeper.. but I have to move on with my life. Except i can't, I hate the fat on my body .. and no matter how much I try to comfort myself to get me through the day and appear like a normal person... inner termoil increases and i feel like i want to die. Thats extreme i know. Its not a 'i want to kill myself' thing. Its just a 'its too hard' 'this wil never end' ' ill never get to be the successful person i want to be' playback that goes on in my mind.. and if i keep going round in circles, between the failure and success and never really be anything at all then whats the point. Just die.

Still sounding extreme? I guess i can be a bit freakish but i am just over it.

What i've said is the truth. The truth that has been with me since i was 6. The truth that is written in diaries and diaries of years of diet missions and plans. 11th June 1992 "Today i start my diet" . I was 11. And that wasn't even the first time!

I have thought of every way possible to just get over it.. the food journal, weight watchers, the gym, calenders to track diet plan, vitims, water, walks, dance classes, areobics, tennis, simplifying daily routines,taking courses that arnt excersize based, affirmations, writing down the clothes ill wear one i get to the goal weight, working out the triggers, wrtiting the emotions and thought processes, hypnotherapy, kineseology, visualisation, yoga, travelling, reminding myself of all my achivements and seting goals (that arent diet based), bla bla bla but the "will" inside seems to vanish after 3 days, a week, 3 months.. like its only ever temporary. And down i go on that slippery hill to fattness, depression and self loathing.

How do you keep the Will? Why does that switch suddenly flick off?
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Re: Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby GoddessInside » Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:17 pm

I know I have been at that extreme point before... I know this is easier said than done, but you really need to take all this negative energy and turn it around. You need to focus on why you are wanting to do this and your reasons that make you want it so bad. You need to want it bad enough, that you wont have any reason to turn a hurdle into an excuse, you need to want it bad enough, that you can see yourself at that finishing line.

Everyone has started dieting at one point of their life or another .... there is no such thing as a diet .... however because of the way everything and everyone builds up weightloss, the term and notion of diet is always the first thing into our minds when we start our journey to losing weight. The psychological barrier is often the hardest that we must overcome, we need to train ourself that it is a lifestyle change as that is permanent. Diets arent. You can have everything in moderation as long as you are willing to put in the effort to work it off.

In terms of will power, you need to believe & have faith in yourself. Only then will you truly be able to overcome and succeed. There are times where we just fall off the wagon, however it is our will power that makes us jump back on. We are the only one's in control of that. No one can tell you how to keep going, only you yourself know how to do it. I truly believe that if one is completely honest with oneself and be able to identify, acknowledge and learn from where they went wrong, then will power will just come along, it will become natural.

How much weight do you have to lose ?
SW: 233.2kgs - Nov 2012
SW148.0kgs - 14 Oct 2014
CW 141.2kgs
GW 132kg
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Re: Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby Hurricane Katrina » Mon Jul 07, 2008 5:57 am

Hi Indi,

I dared to enter and i'm glad i did. I read your story and i can identify with some of your feelings of sheer desperation and hoplessness. We battle with our minds and our bodies every single day of our lives. The demons never seem to cease for a moment of peace. I've been hospitalised once before becoz of that mental battle that was waging in my mind. The self-derisive voices never stop, but we can have control over what we do about the change that we want to see in our bodies that we hate so much. I'm glad that u acknowledge that its definitely a lifestyle change that is needed and not a diet. A lifestyle that incorporates exercise and healthy food options.

It's not easy, but we can do it. I agree with Godessinside: you have to want it bad enough!!! Whether its 10kg or 100kg that u have to lose, you've gotta want it BADLY!!! I wish u all the best on your journey.

Welcome ;-) ;-) ;-)

Kat
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1st mini-goal: 66kg (2009-06-08)
2nd mini-goal: 62kg
3rd mini-goal: 58kg
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Re: Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby Indi3 » Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:58 pm

Its true.. WHY do i want to lose weight? That is the question. ANd although i've answered that a million times before (confidence, clothes, happier, summertime, healthier etc) i think that as it is much more of a psychological issue with me, that the reasons stated arent entirely true. Well they are to a certain extent but they're obviously not fundamental enough for me.

What i have realised, just by writing on here (even in this short time) is that, at some point when i was younger, i decided to make Weight an Obsession. Regardless of how much i weighed.. fat or slim i have never been fully happy. My mother was always obsessing about weight (probably where i got it from) and she wasnt even fat.

I need to turn that around.

I have in the past week been able to NOT binge and just stay balanced and do a walk at least every other day. I feel like this balanced approach is here to stay. It is something i've been working on for some time . The no binging makes me feel very free... and im able to focus on other things in my life.

No hard core health and excersize plan, just a consistant balanced lifestyle.

I am going to post my progress in the progress section. Its great reading about everyone's progress.. especially peoples food diaries.

Goddessinside, i've been reading about you and your doing so well. I will be checking on your progress now that i'm 'in'.

And I'll be checking on the rest of you too.. look forward to sharing the journey.

I tried uploading my tracker but it didnt work. I cant bare to weigh myself just yet in fear of going straight to the chocolate in disgust.. a few weeks ago i was about 80kgs. I feel like i've put on 5 since then (i could be eggsagerating or i could be in denial and have put on 10) so lets just say 5.. which means i want to lose 15kgs. I am 170 tall. After a week of being good i'll weigh myself.. its my birthday on Saturday so it may be 2 weeks before i weigh myself.

Thanks for all your words of encouragement and advice..
Indi 8)
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Re: Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby Searching501 » Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:39 pm

hmmm, you sound a lot like me actually, i am struggling with a lot of the same issues, just lack of normality, all or nothing attitude, i am either binging or dieting, all my life. What scares me is that every time 'diet' or even eat well, i always end up putting it back on because i don't know how to have just one chocolate bar as a treat once a week, i want to eat 10 instead, do it properly. I am really trying to be normal, and to lose weight normally, but it's hard. Anyway, just wanted to say i know how you feel :)
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Re: Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby Indi3 » Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:38 pm

Hi Searching.. I find that most of us on here have had at some point the same thoughts and probs with weight and trying to get over it. Its good to know we're not alone in thinking these thoughts and everyone offers advice and tips. Its great to be able to offer it back too. But I'm sure you will get there.. this is a really great place for support and as the main problem is addiction to food.. you cant get over addiction without support. We also cant just banish our addiction of food like alcohol or drugs coz we HAVE to eat EVERYDAY.. at least 3 times! It anoys me that food addiction isnt taken more seriously. It really is a tricky thing! I just dont buy biscuits anymore coz i know i will eat them. I still eat biscuits but only when im at friends houses and im not likely to eat their ENTIRE packet!

ANyway.. i've rambled too long.. i know how you feel too.. just try and not let food be the most important part of your day.. and try not to get overly excited about food.. im trying that at the moment and it seems to be working for me..

Good Luck!
Indi :wink:
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Re: Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby EvilWombatQueen » Thu Jul 10, 2008 11:41 am

Hi Indi! I can here via another thread where you said you were also throwing up after some meals, though not from mechanical means such as sticking your fingers down your throat. Is it the psychological revulsion to food that's making you feel ill? You said that you vomited after eating muesli and unless you ate several huge bowlfuls of the stuff I can't imagine a physical reason for that happening.

I'm going out on a limb here without knowing your full story, but I think it might be worthwhile to seek professional help. Perhaps a psychologist or hypnotherapist could help you with your attitude towards food. The moment I hear the words 'vomiting' it sets off alarm bells for me. The fact that it's a purely psychological reaction suggests that you really need to deal with your thinking patterns as a priority.

There are groups such as Overeaters Anonymous that might be experienced with issues similar to yours. There is a group in Sydney. You can check out their website here. Otherwise I'd recommend talking to your GP and seeing if you can get a referral to a specialist.

Good luck! I'm sure you can do it.
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Re: Enter if you dare .. Yes I need help

Postby Indi3 » Thu Jul 10, 2008 9:28 pm

EvilWombatQueen wrote:Hi Indi! I can here via another thread where you said you were also throwing up after some meals, though not from mechanical means such as sticking your fingers down your throat. Is it the psychological revulsion to food that's making you feel ill? You said that you vomited after eating muesli and unless you ate several huge bowlfuls of the stuff I can't imagine a physical reason for that happening.

I'm going out on a limb here without knowing your full story, but I think it might be worthwhile to seek professional help. Perhaps a psychologist or hypnotherapist could help you with your attitude towards food. The moment I hear the words 'vomiting' it sets off alarm bells for me. The fact that it's a purely psychological reaction suggests that you really need to deal with your thinking patterns as a priority.

There are groups such as Overeaters Anonymous that might be experienced with issues similar to yours. There is a group in Sydney. You can check out their website here. Otherwise I'd recommend talking to your GP and seeing if you can get a referral to a specialist.

Good luck! I'm sure you can do it.


God, someone's read that! I do need to look at it though which is why i wrote it. I am in an okay(ish) place right now but i know that there are some serious things going on. Actually.. just talking (writing about it) in a reply to you makes me feel like throwing up. Its not even a 'sick' feeling. I dont feel ill. It just 'comes up'. I am 95% sure it's emotional/ anxiety. PLus not wanting the food in my body. I have explored the Over Eaters Annonomous thing before and the group isnt far from me but i just havnt gone. I feel aware enough that im not going to learn anything new by going. I'm pretty clued up with this stuff i just need to mamange my emotions which as we all know, have their own ideas. (Your words)

As for throwing up the muesli.. no, had a normal protion. ANd by normal i really dont mean a bit larger than everyone else .. it really was normal.

Thanks for replying to that thread EWQ .. I think i'm going to try the support on here and reading everyones threads for now.. its helping me realise that we all have these issues and i dont feel like such a headcase. I've written in journals for years and only had my own head to answer to.. getting tips and advice on here is a unique experience and i feel like i'm able to pass on my knowledge to others too which makes my day feel more worthwhile. ANd hence, curbs the binges.

Thanks EWQ, i do need to clear this stuff.. and as a priority.

Indi!
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