This is going to be a long post, so feel free to skim it, or skip to the end and reply with something inspirational. I feel like I have to write it though, so I'll just carry on.
I've been overweight as long as I can remember. I was always the fat girl in primary school, I got teased a lot. I grew a thick skin. I was shy. I'm glad I got teased, in the end, it made me a strong, confident person.
I went to high school, still enormous, but I had loads of friends. Sometimes, I cried at night. But mostly, I was fine. I avoided shopping trips because I knew I couldn't shop in "normal" stores. I started avoiding trips to certain movie theatres because I learned they had seats with a "snug" fit.
I hated HATED HATED swimming. Or changing for P.E.
But I got over it.
I went to university. I drank, I partied, I studied. Again, lots of friends. I've grown even more in confidence. I still avoided shopping trips. I wished to be "normal", and healthy, but couldn't find a way to do it. Sometimes I saw the clothes my friends were wearing to clubs, and I was so jealous - what I wouldn't give to one day wear a miniskirt! And being the only girl in a one-piece with a sarong at the beach was so embarrassing.
But again, put it out of my head. Was for the most part, happy.
Sometimes, I convinced myself I was normal. I think my mirror is special, because I always look gorgeous in it. Photos don't lie. I hated photos.
I never had a boyfriend. I had never been kissed.
One time, I overheard a comment a guy made about me to his friend:
"Nice tits, shame about the rest".
I heard the giggles, the comments. You never forget them.
I got kissed by a boy. I lost my virginity. It was stupid, I was drunk. Mostly, I had such low self esteem that even though I didn't know him, didn't like him, figured since he showed a vague interest it might be my only chance. Pretty sad, huh?
I've moved on from there.
A couple of years later, I made a decision.
I started seeing a dietician.
I was 136.5 kilograms. And 171cm tall. And 20 years old.
I lost approximately 30 kilograms in 6 months. I got a boyfriend - a real one who respected me, told me I was beautiful... then I found out he had a fiance already, but that's a whole nother story
Fact was, I felt beautiful. I was still fat, but I had a face. And a waist! And some clothes fit...
I travelled in Europe for a year. It was fantastic. I felt great about myself. I even fit in the plane seats! I had two boyfriends during that year. One was --- amazing. It's been 6 months, and I'm not quite over it. It only ended because of distance - not feasible for either of us to move continents at the moment and yeah.. another story. But I felt so good about myself, so confident.
I'm back home. I managed to fluctuate between 105-110kg while I was away.
Getting home, seeing friends, overindulging in food, alcohol.. the weight is coming back.
It's coming back!
I'm now over 110, heading towards 115.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS BIG.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE BIGGER.
I don't know what to do. I can no longer afford to see the dietician and my options are quite limited.
So this is where you guys come in. I need motivation, I need support.
I know I can do it.
I belong to a gym, and I'm actually going to go regularly. I'm going to make a conscious effort to make healthy food choices (without "dieting") and to cut down on unhealthy snacks.
I recognise my "danger time" as the late afternoon, when I get home, before dinner. I spend this entire time eating - crackers and dip, fruit, chocolate, biscuits, leftovers, soup, whatever I can get my hands on. I'm planning to combat this by packing my gym clothes in the car and going straight there at this time, but at the times I'm home, I suspect it will be my "peak posting time".
So please everyone, help a girl out! I'm 23, reasonably pretty with great hair and gorgeous eyes (I'm modest too). I'm smart, articulate, funny and ambitious. I want to be beautiful inside and out. Mostly I just want to be able to walk into a shop, and buy clothes that I like, that are suitable for my age. I want to be confident in a bikini on the beach. I want to be able to walk up 4 flights of stairs without getting out of breath. I want to be able to reject the asshole guys and make them regret it. I want a boyfriend who will be proud to show me off to his mates.
Most of all, I want to be healthy. I don't want diabetes, or hypertension, and I don't want an early heart attack or stroke.
And when I'm a doctor (and I'm nearly there), I want to be able to inspire my patients with my before and after photos and let them know that I DID THAT. And they can too.
I know I can do this.
I think I can, I think I can.
Thanks for reading, if you got this far! I'll post shorter posts from now on, I promise. I just had to get this off my chest. Tears are healing, right?
**No ticker yet, because my scales broke (I know!) and I don't know exactly what I weigh. But I'll buy some shiny new scales tomorrow and I'll post a ticker then