Okay...It's Sunday morning and I am sitting at my computer sipping my morning coffee (a must have) and, like most Sunday mornings, I am pondering my life. I am 38 years old (39 in one month and one day!). I am 165cm tall and, at the moment, I weigh 110kg. I say "at the moment" because over the past 2 years or so I went from 121kg (September 2008) to 103 kg (November 2009). But I had some help in the form of a little tablet called Reductil (as well as about three months of Lite'n'Easy). I stopped taking the Reductil in February 2010 after landing in hospital with heart palpitations. Of course it may have had nothing at all to do with the Reductil but then news came out that it had been banned in Europe due to increased risk of heart attacks. My doctor suggested I stop immediately. So I did.
Strangely enough when I threw out the tablets, my resolve went with it. I eat and I eat and I eat. Anything. Everything. And I love it. And the weight has been creeping on ever since. So right now, bluntly, I feel like crap. I feel unattractive, old, weary, miserable and out of control.
To top things off, I am trying to conceive. I have one beautiful daughter aged 8 but I can hear the biological clock ticking more loudly each day (did I tell you I am 39 in one month and one day??!!) I have PCOS and Adenoysis (endometriosis' more painful cousin). The bottom line? I have nothing2lose but everything to gain from winning this battle with weight.
And, I dont care what anyone says, it is a battle. Food is an addiction. Like any other. I know I am not alone when I confess that there are mornings that I wake up and think...What can i eat today? I like going out, for the company sure, but more because the glutton in me revels in the chance to eat. I LOVE FOOD. It really is the love of my life.
A large part of me doesnt know why I am here. I know I am not in the right mindset to change my ways (or should that be "weighs"? ) And deep down I believe I will never lose weight and I will never win this battle. I know everything there is to know about weight loss. I can talk the talk. I can even walk the walk --- for a while. Then I give up. Again and again and again. I suppose I am hoping that by writing this self indulgent rant (sorry guys!) that something might kick into gear and I might be willing to get on the roundabout again.
Guys...I need help. I need a kick up the a-r-s-e. I need to be told off and sent to my room. Because when it comes to food, I am an immature child. I cant give it up, and deep down I dont want to. I want to have my cake, eat it, and lose weight. I want to scream at the world IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR, IT'S NOT FAIR. And it's not. But I know life isnt fair.
I hate that I am like this. Please yell at me.
And help me change.