I am 23, and tonight a friend from high school posted some old photos of us on Facebook. I had forgotten how small I was. I still have those clothes from the pictures in vacuum bags tucked at the back of my wardrobe and compared to me now they look like something a 5 year old would wear - and not even possibly *this* body 5 years ago.
The worst part is I knew I was getting bigger and for the most part I just ignored it. Because I had a boyfriend who loved me and who fed me nachos and chocolate and pasta and takeout four days a week for three and a half years. Because I fed myself these things and more for a year after we broke up - probably because they reminded me of him and being in our little romance zone, so if I had that I wouldn't feel so alone. Because for six months I bought pasta for lunch instead of sandwiches just because I wanted something warm and creamy to eat in the coffee-scented air-conditioning of my office. Of course I was getting bigger!
Looking at this photo.. well, none of those "becauses" were a good enough reason to go from 55/60 to 83kg. I know there are a lot of people on here who weigh more than me or who have a lot more they want to lose, but I believe every body has a basic weight that it should be and while I even had a little bit of a belly at 60 I know that this figure is what I should be.
Oh god. I just realised I have gained over 33% of my body weight in the last 5 years. Suddenly this has all started to feel just that little bit more impossible. I need a plan, an aim. Baby steps that don't feel so incredibly small that they're pointless. I have been being good for the last month or so; making healthier choices 9 times out of 10, exercising at least twice a week, drinking lots of water, taking vitamins and heart-rate enhancers. I haven't lost 1kg. Over the years I've tried TF and LemonDetox (that stuff is disgusting! I made one bottle of it, took two sips and threw the whole $90 package out) but anything I ever lost I put right back on plus interest the first time I even so much as walked past a donought store.
I don't know why I'm posting here anymore. I don't even know if I should post this, it's not very productive at all. Actually... I will. Hopefully there's someone in the room who gets it. Who has been here before and can say something magical that will turn on a light in my brain that gives me faith that the basic science of 'burn more than you consume' will actually work this time.
Urgh, I'm never this despirate and pathetic I swear!