I'm smart. I study at uni, read loads and know almost everything there is to know about the biology & psychology behind weightloss. I don't study the science (I'm an English major), I just obsess over it.
I started gaining weight in the 4th grade. I remember being a complete outcast and turning to lollies and MacDonalds to satiate my needs.I was never clinically diagnosed, but I'm sure I suffered from some form of depression at a very young age, spurned by being a little socially inept (OK, very). Sugar was my way out. By the time I reached the 6th grade I weighed 65 kilos, and that would be the last time I'd see that number on the scale until a few years ago.
In highschool my vice was Coca-cola and afternoon binges. I'd starve myself all day and scoff when I got home. When I left school I began eating breakfast, I quit coca-cola, I gained better (well at least less cruel) friends and dropped 20 kilos. I went from 86 kgs down to 65.
Back then my goal weight was 65kgs, but although this was a healthy weight, I realised when I was down there it wasn't the size I wanted to be. I tried losing more but it seemed impossible, and then I started gaining again which scared the hell out of me.
For a long time I hovered between 65 and 70, usually resting at 68. And for a long time this was OK. I was OK with it, not happy, but OK. I'm 25 now, and for 7 years I've been dealing with OK.
At 5'9" my body is pudgy. What people might call skinny fat. I have very little muscle. I'm also very pear shaped so I look quite thin up top, but sport big thighs and big calves. My entire career is based around sitting at my computer writing, or else reading. All up I'm kind of just sick of my fatty body and my lazy lifestyle.
I'm not sure what triggered my initial weight loss any more. I can't imagine how I ever even got to 86. I just remember being utterly horrified and changing my habits. I don't really use scales anymore. They made me obsessive about everything, and I figured I should distance myself from that. (There was a brief stint of starvation which I am not proud of, and never want to return to again). I'm fairly certain that I'm at 70-71 at the moment, though. But it should be mentioned that it is that time of month.
I need some help. I'm not sure where to go or what to do, but I very much want to feel better about the way I look. My lack of self-esteem is effecting so many things in my life. I know I'm not obese, I'm very realistic about the way I look. But I also feel so unhealthy. I don't drink enough water, I don't do enough exercise and I have a serious addiction to jam on toast (not even kidding). This isn't really about numbers on a scale or on a tag, it's just about being proud of myself and my looks.
I would love to have people to talk to who can relate, who can offer advice and help motivate me. I hope this is a place I can find them.