Hi guys my name is Nathan,
This is my first post on this forum, and to be honest i sat here for about 30 minutes debating whether i should join or not simply out of self shame i guess, i know i have a problem but i'm quite afraid to face up to it knowing that i have to face a few demons before anything will improve. but, i finally decided that its probable best to be apart of a community of people who have gone through what i am currently going through, and perhaps i could gain knowledge and motivation from others.
So.. a little about me?
I am a 23 year old guy, currently weighing in at an unhealthy 127kgs
my goal weight at this point in time is to hit 100kgs. I have been at this weight pretty steadily for about 2 years now, not really gaining anything other than unhappiness, and definitely not losing anything other than a lot of life opportunities. I would say i started gaining weight when i was around 11-12 years old, i had a tough upbringing, mum and dad were always stressed out and moving because dad was heavily into drugs and we always had to move because people were chasing him for money etc.. and things fell apart with mum and dad, they separated, and not long after that he passed away from a heroin over dose, i think i dealt with the loss by binge eating, i guess it was something that made me feel better at the time, and somehow it evolved into a habit and i have been dealing with the eating disorder ever since, ( i think that's the first time i have actually called it a disorder before)
I never admitted to my self that i had a problem because.. i felt as tho i didn't have a problem, when i was in my teens, i knew i was fat, i was always self conscious of it, but physically i could always keep up with most other people, i was always very strong for my age, (broad build), i could run really fast, albeit not for very long haha, and i had a pretty good social life, but as i have gotten older, the friends drop off, the activities drop off, and im left with just myself at this point in time, alone and very unhappy.
I use to be quite active in martial arts/Kick boxing in my teens up until i was 18 years old when it all changed. I was in a kick boxing training session, and the very last round house kick of the session, i blew my knee out, i tore my meniscus pretty heavily, and the group i was training with were very much into natural alternatives towards healing and recovery, so being young, i trusted their judgement, and for a few months i did natural treatments, which in the end got me absolutely no where, and only left me with a strong hatred and grudge against everyone there. And after that i just stopped, i stopped training, i stopped trying to manage my weight, i basically gave up on life because i could not afford to have an operation on my knee, i had no private health insurance, so i basically had to suck it up and keep soldiering on with day to day life. I have missed out on so much of my life over the last 5 years because of this, and i think deep down i still hold a grudge for not being placed in able hands to recover and prevent me from losing so much of life. Only this year i have decided to take out private health insurance, so hopefully in about 10 months i time i can look at getting my knee fixed.
Another one of my problems is, i am an online gaming addict, i spend my weekends, my nights after work, gaming online. I always told myself "its just your wind down, everyone has something they use to unwind, and mine is gaming" but truth is, its not my unwind tool, its basically my life. Just like all the stereotypes of using games to escape reality.. I am that stereotype. It gives me a sense of accomplishment (even though its digital and not real) it helps me forget all the crap that goes on in life, it literally absorbs me and takes me away, in good ways, but mostly bad. because it takes me away from friends, family, possible relationships, life experiences. Honestly, i don't know how to break this habit because i have been heavily into gaming from about the age of 3-4 years old. its always been apart of my life, and i cant see my life without it, perhaps i just need to learn how to moderate it better. I believe it is also a big factor into why my ex girlfriend whom i lived with for nearly 2 years started cheating on me, i gave my attention to my games, and not her, so she sort after it elsewhere..
So here i am today, seeking help, because i need it, i'm overweight, unhappy, unmotivated, depressed, alone.. and its my fault and no one else's, people can show me the door, but i am the one that has to walk through it. i have eaten healthily and exercised before, but i only ever seems to last 1-2 weeks max before i just.. stop. cant be bothered, have no energy, ill do it tomorrow excuses, i think enough is enough and i need to act now, before the prime of my life slips past me.
A long introduction i know, but it felt good to get a little off my chest