Feeling a bit weird today ... Scales say I've lost 7.4kg, which is really great, but I feel so skeptical, and wonder is this real? My clothes are looser and I'm noticing minor changes, but I've been here before and always slipped back to the weight I was before. Today we had visitors, and for afternoon tea, we served up a huge plate of strawberries, some fruit bites and a plate of chockie biscuits. The biscuits were a temptation to me, but not a craving if that makes sense. I was happy to have the straawberries and fruity bites. but there's this little voice inside me that is somehow not believing what I'm doing ... I'm wondering if part of that is about my scepticism or is it some form of self sabotage? It's sort of like I don't believe that my loss is going to be something to be proud of and trust until I've lost 20kg, but I wonder if because I don't trust it, is it somehow sabotaging what I've already done, and discounting it as unimportant, just in case I slip back?? Are these sort of feelings normal or is it just me? I am really pleased I've lost weight, but the reality s that I have done it before, and slipped, so why would I get excited about it? I've ordered a couple of new tops on eBay, and one arrived the other day. It's more fitted than I would normally wear, but looks ok (with the appropriate foundation garments ... Lol) but maybe I'm not quite ready to wear it just yet ... I've always worn loose clothing and in my mind I imagine continuing to wear loose clothes and then one day when I've lost heaps of weight, having the big reveal moment ... And then the cynicism kicks in, and I think I probably won't ever make it to the ultimate goal of being in the 'normal' weight range for my height of 156cm, which is somewhere between 48 & 60kg, which means a loss of at least 60kg, and so overwhelmingly unreal it's hard to comprehend. I'm only setting mini goals of 10kg at a time, so clearly it's going to take a while to reach the ultimate goal ... Sub goals along the way are 100kg; 80kg an d then if I ever reach 60kg it woukd be a miracle, i just have to keep the ball in the air so to speak. I really am torn though, because I've clearly been making healthier choices, but from my choices today of the fruit over the Choc biscuit, I wonder if that will stick, will I feel like I've lost 'x' amount of weight, therefore I deserve the treat?
Sorry, I'm feeling a bit confused today, and a little bit scared. I don't want to slip back, I want to keep at it and keep making good choices, I don't want to get used to feeling good about myself and then just sabotage it like I've done so many times in the past ... I feel like I'm on the edge of the cliff and I need to take the leap of faith, and just not brave enough to do it, even though I've done the work to reach the top of the cliff ... Does that make sense to anyone?? Maybe believing in myself is a deeper issue that I need to explore ... Hmm, I guess I'll ponder that theory for a while and see if I come up with any solutions or ground breaking answers ... I'll keep you posted re progress !! In the mean time, I'll try to follow dr Phil's advice to fake it until I make it ... If I eat like I'm 60kg then maybe one day I will actually get there ... Thanks for listening to my confused ramblings, today I made good choices, but it all of a sudden seems more difficult...
trying to stop the yo-yo!!!