After a lot of deliberation AND looking at Zelma’s success story it has encouraged me to share my grief so to speak. I have to thank my friend who introduced me to this forum AND showed me Zelma’s story and literally has made me cry. Not in a bad way but in a way that Zelma has expressed her words I always dreamed to experience!
I think I best start from the beginning? However where is the beginning.. ok maybe from my current month of dramas. I had a friend take some photos of me stacking my dogs so that I can show them off on my website (just yesterday).. I instructed him to focus on the dogs and not me.. however when I put them on my computer..today I realized I'm FAR from invisible! So of course standing behind them I would be seen. What has grabbed me the most and probably is eating at me and has for a long time is the length of my girls is the width of me. YEP and were talking about 8 months old German shepherd censored.. not entirely small.
OK the beginning is WAY Tooo long for me to talk about BUT I feel there is NO POINT in being in a forum like this IF I cannot be truthful to myself the most! I guess this is my start so here it goes…..
I was born in 1975, a 8 week premature baby and yep weighed nearly 10lb’s already. My first years of life weren’t the best… growing up I have to say that I have come from a very abusive and destructive house hold my very first memory in life seems to be when I was only 18 months old of my father belting the living crap out of my mother as I was in my cot sitting and watching the blood swell on the bed. I had come from a very poor family, my father was an alcoholic, drank every penny he made AND when ever he drank he kicked the crap out of my mother.. soon after that started on me and then even the cat or dog would get it. There were days where we didn’t have food to eat and when we did we weren’t allowed to move from the table until finished.
In April 1980 my sister was born and I didn’t feel so alone no more. The abuse stopped and my dad stopped drinking too.. Finally we seemed like a family.. One that was peaceful, however one month after my birthday my sister passed away. Leaving me alone again to face the battles I dreaded.. and yes they started again. After my sister passed my mother went to work and I was baby sat… a woman who had a son would look after me.. sadly I became a victim to her son who raped and bashed me daily, used me as a bunching bag until I was 10 years old. I never told anyone at the time and kept it all quiet.
I grew up a shy quiet girl, a loner at school, never went to camps missed out on everything!!! Always was last AND yep I was the fattest at school too. Being a wog I got called all sorts of names the one that sticks the most is fatso… or four and twenty fat stuff!.. it was endless. At home I spent my school days under the house with my dogs playing and talking to them. In 1985 I started dancing my mums traditional folk dancing AND she made me join Gloria Marshall… it was yo-yo dieting from then onwards. From GM to Jenny Craig in 1987 (when I began highs school) I was always a chubby kid, on both parents sides there is a parent who is overweight or obese or fat .. I prefer to just say fat so no offense to anyone. I began to starve myself and began the fun of bulimia. Vomiting was my daily ritual.
When I was 15 in 1989 I got my period late that year and from a 90 kilo kid within 8 months I escalated in weight and put on 60 kilos in just one year. 1990 was the worst for me I changed schools, being shy this was no fun and being fat it was worse! It was ok as it was a girls school but then year 11 and12 I went to co-ed… the weight sat but the boys teased still. I always feared of being one of these people who wont be able to move and a crane will need to move them.. so I kept my activity levels up!
Now to food before I go on I love my sweets yes I do and I have gone through moments of craving pizzas my weakness BUT I have grown up on vegis and milk and boiled and steamed foods as my mother has suffered constipation all her life. I also had torn my esophagus from pushing all sorts of objects down my throat to keep my vomiting levels up. From pens to rulers to coat hangers until I was told if I continued I would end up talking through my throat
So where did the weight come from…? In 1991 during my exam years I stared doing paper rounds ,showing our Dalmatian as I was always in to dogs and this would get me moving.. I was fit yes but still fat. I have a fear of needles so taking my blood out wasn’t on the agenda for me. As you can imagine. So of to avoid my main problem I decided to begin drama classes in 1992 (year 12) I met a new bunch of people and older also who treated me very different to the school scum I had dealt with. I actually fell in love at 17… by 19 I was engaged to be married… however this is another drastic story and having fallen pregnant we fell apart he broke my heart and I had my second nervous break down… went to mental ward for 3 months.. in my breakdown of course I have aborted the child on my own… for delicate reasons I wont share this.
From worse to worse it all began for me I continued with the acting as it actually brought me out of my shell and I began to like who I was for the first time in my life. I had personality, I was bubbly and I would meet people easily this was great!! However through meeting people always came hurt, so I always had surrounded myself around animals my dogs especially as they never judged me or hurt me in a way that people did… BUT who was I kidding! We all need people around us friends! I was alone!
So as time went by I kept trying different diets from diet pills to prescription drugs like duramine and diet shakes to Admin Censored to you name it I’ve tried it! In year 2000 when I finally got a job and was just getting myself into a career etc I had a minor stroke and ended up in hospital. They had discovered that my far left valve was pumping blood into my heart meaning that one valve was pulsing blood out and 3 in, “blood over flow”.. due to my weight and stress.. so leaving me in severe heart disease.. they were going to try to put me into electric shock only to realize the damage and how enlarge my heart is that I wouldn’t wake if they did this. So only option was donor list. SO home I went to recover. Loosing my job I was penniless AND half paralyzed. Finally with lots of hard work I became mobile again and yeah still don’t feel things properly but I'm mobile! In 2004 I got engaged again and fell pregnant.. this time at the hospital when I went to get weighed I learnt as I stepped on the scale and it couldn’t read my weight… this devastated me!! As my worst nightmare has happened! I always said to myself if I ever reached 200 kilos and standing at 172cms tall, I would take my life… well I had reached and am obviously over that mark as the max weight was 200kilos.. yep realization here I come! Another busted up relationship for me.
From 2004 to now I have not gained overly too much but I still have.. in the recent events and since this time I have noticed incredibly how much my body is clearly talking to me.. being stubborn and wanting a job I didn’t concentrate on me. I have suffered from chronic depression AND the only thing that has managed to get me out of this is my breeding, MY DOGS. Through this I have met some great people (and sadly some not so great) but that’s besides the point. I have recently taken a second fall.. anyone who has some weight on them knows when you fall how much it can hurt bruise and damage our body.. so at my weight it makes it worse! Recently I missed the step and landed on concrete breaking my toe, busting up my heel and my whole left side hip and back all coped the baring of it. As I am a fairly small frame my bones are beginning to brittle and break I’ve got broken ribs and the bones in my neck are all disintegrating. Not to even mention the rest.. MY elbow and arms are giving up on me.. I have sleepless nights due to pain…. Even pain killers are no good no more!
I have very small feet and they are all giving up on me… thought I haven’t yet! I began walking and exercising however with my fall and being on crutches walking is impossible.. I’m currently trying to loose 30 kilos fast as I have to have a gastrocopy to eliminate celiac disease my doctor, endocrinologist and pshc find it’s hormonal as my thyroids bounce from extreme to extreme.. also my symptoms are to suit celiac.,.. I had to experiment to see and eliminate gluten from my diet and in 2 weeks I managed to loose 8 kilos.. of course going back to normal I gained that back…
Now the toughest journey is over… I think I have admitted to myself more then anyone that yeah I have a problem and what other sign does my body need to give me to make me realize to love myself…for once
The past is the past, so be it.. I have now begun to slowly reduce the gluten intake.. sadly I'm still addicted to the stupid coke and am trying to get that out of my life.. that is my biggest dilemma at the moment. I am sorry for boring you all but I need to express all my trauma.. well how much can one say in a short time this is 32 years of experience. However I am trying… my walking around the house at the moment my goal is to mop 3 times a day which gets me moving again on 3 legs.. lol and of course being with my dogs.. but not being able to clean my yard daily and hang my washing and depending on my mum has really depressed me and this injury has made me realize that if I don’t stop to do something about ME and for ME I am either doing to die (which I’ve been told already that I'm on death row) or I will end up being crippled.
I haven’t been married or no children and would love to horse ride again.. to run and play and show my dogs again… to walk from the movies entrance to car park without being puffed or build up a sweat. To be able to sit in a car and belt up properly. So many dreams and hopes.. and such a long journey!! But one I'm ready AND NEED to take! My Porcupine (she knows who she is) has been a guide to me in more ways then one and has shown me the love I haven’t had from a person in a long time. I cannot thank her enough for showing me this forum. AND I hope to also be a success story. I know it will be difficult I know I will have down moments as well as up moments I know that. BUT I'm not going to give up. If I do I might as well be dead!
Thank you for reading.. I know it was long but I needed to get it ALL out.. to be able to accept ME and finally to say hey I'm allowed to live a happy life too! I have that right for myself!
I can guarantee you will be seeing more of me on the forum but hopefully less of me in pictures! Haha here are two photos of me today (well taken 12th April 2007).
Again thank you for hearing my cry