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Postby Maxx » Thu Apr 12, 2007 11:39 pm

After a lot of deliberation AND looking at Zelma’s success story it has encouraged me to share my grief so to speak. I have to thank my friend who introduced me to this forum AND showed me Zelma’s story and literally has made me cry. Not in a bad way but in a way that Zelma has expressed her words I always dreamed to experience!

:oops: I think I best start from the beginning? However where is the beginning.. ok maybe from my current month of dramas. I had a friend take some photos of me stacking my dogs so that I can show them off on my website (just yesterday).. I instructed him to focus on the dogs and not me.. however when I put them on my computer..today I realized I'm FAR from invisible! So of course standing behind them I would be seen. What has grabbed me the most and probably is eating at me and has for a long time is the length of my girls is the width of me. YEP and were talking about 8 months old German shepherd censored.. not entirely small.

OK the beginning is WAY Tooo long for me to talk about BUT I feel there is NO POINT in being in a forum like this IF I cannot be truthful to myself the most! I guess this is my start so here it goes….. :shock: :roll:

I was born in 1975, a 8 week premature baby and yep weighed nearly 10lb’s already. My first years of life weren’t the best… growing up I have to say that I have come from a very abusive and destructive house hold my very first memory in life seems to be when I was only 18 months old of my father belting the living crap out of my mother as I was in my cot sitting and watching the blood swell on the bed. I had come from a very poor family, my father was an alcoholic, drank every penny he made AND when ever he drank he kicked the crap out of my mother.. soon after that started on me and then even the cat or dog would get it. There were days where we didn’t have food to eat and when we did we weren’t allowed to move from the table until finished.

In April 1980 my sister was born and I didn’t feel so alone no more. The abuse stopped and my dad stopped drinking too.. Finally we seemed like a family.. One that was peaceful, however one month after my birthday my sister passed away. Leaving me alone again to face the battles I dreaded.. and yes they started again. After my sister passed my mother went to work and I was baby sat… a woman who had a son would look after me.. sadly I became a victim to her son who raped and bashed me daily, used me as a bunching bag until I was 10 years old. I never told anyone at the time and kept it all quiet.

I grew up a shy quiet girl, a loner at school, never went to camps missed out on everything!!! Always was last AND yep I was the fattest at school too. Being a wog I got called all sorts of names the one that sticks the most is fatso… or four and twenty fat stuff!.. it was endless. At home I spent my school days under the house with my dogs playing and talking to them. In 1985 I started dancing my mums traditional folk dancing AND she made me join Gloria Marshall… it was yo-yo dieting from then onwards. From GM to Jenny Craig in 1987 (when I began highs school) I was always a chubby kid, on both parents sides there is a parent who is overweight or obese or fat .. I prefer to just say fat so no offense to anyone. I began to starve myself and began the fun of bulimia. Vomiting was my daily ritual.

When I was 15 in 1989 I got my period late that year and from a 90 kilo kid within 8 months I escalated in weight and put on 60 kilos in just one year. 1990 was the worst for me I changed schools, being shy this was no fun and being fat it was worse! It was ok as it was a girls school but then year 11 and12 I went to co-ed… the weight sat but the boys teased still. I always feared of being one of these people who wont be able to move and a crane will need to move them.. so I kept my activity levels up!

Now to food before I go on I love my sweets yes I do and I have gone through moments of craving pizzas my weakness BUT I have grown up on vegis and milk and boiled and steamed foods as my mother has suffered constipation all her life. I also had torn my esophagus from pushing all sorts of objects down my throat to keep my vomiting levels up. From pens to rulers to coat hangers until I was told if I continued I would end up talking through my throat

So where did the weight come from…? In 1991 during my exam years I stared doing paper rounds ,showing our Dalmatian as I was always in to dogs and this would get me moving.. I was fit yes but still fat. I have a fear of needles so taking my blood out wasn’t on the agenda for me. As you can imagine. So of to avoid my main problem I decided to begin drama classes in 1992 (year 12) I met a new bunch of people and older also who treated me very different to the school scum I had dealt with. I actually fell in love at 17… by 19 I was engaged to be married… however this is another drastic story and having fallen pregnant we fell apart he broke my heart and I had my second nervous break down… went to mental ward for 3 months.. in my breakdown of course I have aborted the child on my own… for delicate reasons I wont share this.

From worse to worse it all began for me I continued with the acting as it actually brought me out of my shell and I began to like who I was for the first time in my life. I had personality, I was bubbly and I would meet people easily this was great!! However through meeting people always came hurt, so I always had surrounded myself around animals my dogs especially as they never judged me or hurt me in a way that people did… BUT who was I kidding! We all need people around us friends! I was alone!

So as time went by I kept trying different diets from diet pills to prescription drugs like duramine and diet shakes to Admin Censored to you name it I’ve tried it! In year 2000 when I finally got a job and was just getting myself into a career etc I had a minor stroke and ended up in hospital. They had discovered that my far left valve was pumping blood into my heart meaning that one valve was pulsing blood out and 3 in, “blood over flow”.. due to my weight and stress.. so leaving me in severe heart disease.. they were going to try to put me into electric shock only to realize the damage and how enlarge my heart is that I wouldn’t wake if they did this. So only option was donor list. SO home I went to recover. Loosing my job I was penniless AND half paralyzed. Finally with lots of hard work I became mobile again and yeah still don’t feel things properly but I'm mobile! In 2004 I got engaged again and fell pregnant.. this time at the hospital when I went to get weighed I learnt as I stepped on the scale and it couldn’t read my weight… this devastated me!! As my worst nightmare has happened! I always said to myself if I ever reached 200 kilos and standing at 172cms tall, I would take my life… well I had reached and am obviously over that mark as the max weight was 200kilos.. yep realization here I come! Another busted up relationship for me.

From 2004 to now I have not gained overly too much but I still have.. in the recent events and since this time I have noticed incredibly how much my body is clearly talking to me.. being stubborn and wanting a job I didn’t concentrate on me. I have suffered from chronic depression AND the only thing that has managed to get me out of this is my breeding, MY DOGS. Through this I have met some great people (and sadly some not so great) but that’s besides the point. I have recently taken a second fall.. anyone who has some weight on them knows when you fall how much it can hurt bruise and damage our body.. so at my weight it makes it worse! Recently I missed the step and landed on concrete breaking my toe, busting up my heel and my whole left side hip and back all coped the baring of it. As I am a fairly small frame my bones are beginning to brittle and break I’ve got broken ribs and the bones in my neck are all disintegrating. Not to even mention the rest.. MY elbow and arms are giving up on me.. I have sleepless nights due to pain…. Even pain killers are no good no more!

I have very small feet and they are all giving up on me… thought I haven’t yet! I began walking and exercising however with my fall and being on crutches walking is impossible.. I’m currently trying to loose 30 kilos fast as I have to have a gastrocopy to eliminate celiac disease my doctor, endocrinologist and pshc find it’s hormonal as my thyroids bounce from extreme to extreme.. also my symptoms are to suit celiac.,.. I had to experiment to see and eliminate gluten from my diet and in 2 weeks I managed to loose 8 kilos.. of course going back to normal I gained that back…

Now the toughest journey is over… I think I have admitted to myself more then anyone that yeah I have a problem and what other sign does my body need to give me to make me realize to love myself…for once

The past is the past, so be it.. I have now begun to slowly reduce the gluten intake.. sadly I'm still addicted to the stupid coke and am trying to get that out of my life.. that is my biggest dilemma at the moment. I am sorry for boring you all but I need to express all my trauma.. well how much can one say in a short time this is 32 years of experience. However I am trying… my walking around the house at the moment my goal is to mop 3 times a day which gets me moving again on 3 legs.. lol and of course being with my dogs.. but not being able to clean my yard daily and hang my washing and depending on my mum has really depressed me and this injury has made me realize that if I don’t stop to do something about ME and for ME I am either doing to die (which I’ve been told already that I'm on death row) or I will end up being crippled.

I haven’t been married or no children and would love to horse ride again.. to run and play and show my dogs again… to walk from the movies entrance to car park without being puffed or build up a sweat. To be able to sit in a car and belt up properly. So many dreams and hopes.. and such a long journey!! But one I'm ready AND NEED to take! My Porcupine (she knows who she is) has been a guide to me in more ways then one and has shown me the love I haven’t had from a person in a long time. I cannot thank her enough for showing me this forum. AND I hope to also be a success story. I know it will be difficult I know I will have down moments as well as up moments I know that. BUT I'm not going to give up. If I do I might as well be dead!

Thank you for reading.. I know it was long but I needed to get it ALL out.. to be able to accept ME and finally to say hey I'm allowed to live a happy life too! I have that right for myself!

I can guarantee you will be seeing more of me on the forum but hopefully less of me in pictures! Haha here are two photos of me today (well taken 12th April 2007).

Again thank you for hearing my cry
:roll: :oops:
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Postby Maxx » Fri Apr 13, 2007 12:11 am

i didnt forget the photos.. ekk!!! :roll: :roll: :shock:
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DAYS ACHIEVED: 0 of 30 (back 2 square one) Last attempt lasted 7 days
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Postby Chelle » Fri Apr 13, 2007 1:03 am

Hey Maxx, Welcome to the forum, I'm sure that zelma will be your inspirations too lose weight, & have the life that you want to live. Wow I'm speechless, what an up bringing, it is very sad all the bad thing that has happened to you in your life & what you have to overcome, what did your sister die from??? My husband was brought up by an abousive alocholic father & his mum died from breast cancer at a young age, so I kind of know a part of what you have dealed with in your life because he still deals with the emotion everyday now. I'm sure that you will find lot's of support through out this forum & good luck with everything I'm sure that I will be getting to know you & talk to throughout your weight loss journey.

Thankyou again for sharing your story, I'm sure that writing down the truth has probly opened your eyes coz your are saying it from the heart & being true to yourself. No one will judge you on this forum, the people that you will meet will only help you get life hurdels & be very supportive.
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Postby KimE » Fri Apr 13, 2007 8:42 am

Hello Maxx and welcome to the forum.

Thanks you so much for sharing your life story with us as I am sure it wouldn't have been easy to tell. You have already been through so much and yo do deserve to be happy in life as do we all. Photos were one of the things that finally got me moving to do something about my weight as it is easy to not think about it until it is in your face. Thanks also for sharing you pics it is a appreciated and I look forward to seeing more as your progress.

The weightloss road is not an easy one as you have already experienced but with focus and determination you can make it. Remember you don't have to change everything you are doing all at once, do it slowly and let your body adapt. Making life changes are always difficult. Also do you have your doctor involved with you some people find this helpful and he/she may be able to guide you with exercise and nutrition.

A truly wish you all the best and please feel free to join in wherever you are comfortable.

PS. you dog is beautiful I love German Shepherds they are my favourite dog breed. :D
Kim - To thine own self be true
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:35 am

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hey maxx welcome to the forum. its nice to have you here and im sure with support and determination you will be able to beat this.

its nice to know that zelma has inspired you to share your story with us. remember though that there are lots of other people on this forum who have also lost a lot of weight and are very inspirational. so i am sure you will get a lot from them too.

it sounds like things have been tough for you in the past however now is the start of a new beginning and hopefully you find the happiness that you (& everyone else in life) deserves.

best wishes
Last edited by kate_turner2000 on Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby milkyway » Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:37 am

Hi Maxx and welcome aboard. You'll find plenty of support, advice and encouragement here. I really admire your courage for posting your story. You've had such an unhappy life but don't let what HAS happened be your guide for what WILL happen in the future - I am sure there are many great things to come.

Zelma is amazing and you can really see the ripple effect of her story, and just think, one day that will be you :)

If there's anything we can do to help, just sing out!

Cheers,
Sandra
PS Your dog is beautiful :)
Just keep moving! And don't be lazy...
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CW: 71.1kg - 3/5/09
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Postby Dee » Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:45 am

Hi Maxx.

Welcome welcome welcome! Here you will find all the non-judgmental love support and encouragement you could ever need. Let us be your shoulder to cry on, you cheer squad to celebrate with you and you friends to seek advice from. You deserve every success in your journey and I am absolutely rooting for you.

You past has been ghastly, there's no denying that, and no-one deserves to have lived through what you have been forced to endure. But you are strong enough to make these positive changes in your life and take back the control. It's not going to be easy, but I have very faith that you can do it.

Best of luck, and don't forget to sing out when you need us.
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Postby Mandie » Fri Apr 13, 2007 9:57 am

Welcome to the forum.

Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. We all go through ups and downs in our lives but it seems like you have had to deal with a LOT of downs!

You show many strengths... you are obviously very resilient, and you are STRONG - as evidenced by the fact that you haven't given up yet! In fact, you take positive steps - your dogs, your acting.. and now trying to lose weight to become healthier. Please keep your strengths in mind as alraedy I know you are an amazing person, and you should remember that!

Being 200+ kilos the road will not be short, or easy. Just remember your main goals and keep plugging away... you WILL get there if you never give up. We will be here to support you. Best of luck!
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Postby Fairie » Fri Apr 13, 2007 1:19 pm

Hi Maxx, welcome to the forum. What amazing courage you have not only for sharing your life with us but for surviving.

Zelma is a great inspiration to us all and I'm sure she will have heaps of advice for you. I have about 50kg to loose and all I can say is it's one day at a time. The people here are wonderful and will support you without judging you.

All the best for your journey and remember we are here for you. :D
-Fay-

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Postby chunky monkey » Fri Apr 13, 2007 5:15 pm

Hi Maxx,

Welcome to the forum. No-one here is judgemental and we are all suportive of each others' journey. Your past sound hideous, but that is your past. You have at least taken action to make positive changes in your life for yourself ( and your dogs). BTW your shepherds are beautiful. My parents have a huge male shepherd who is very young and has the sweetest nature. Sorry for rambling on for a sec there, anyway best of luck with your journey and we are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Michelle
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Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Sat Apr 14, 2007 4:54 pm

Hi Maxx and welcome to the forum. You certainly have a lot of trauma in your past that you are evidently still trying to deal with. The unfortunate thing is that you weren't/aren't the only child in such a situation and in my job I hear so many stories like yours.

As has been said, try to focus on the positives - out of so much trauma you are a caring person who loves animals. You also seem very determined. I'm actually just starting my PhD and will be looking at positive outcomes and growth from child abuse and one of the things I am learning with all the reading I am doing is that post traumatic growth is a process that can sometimes take years as people start to put together everything that has happened and make some kind of sense out of things - but at the end of this there can be HOPE and SUCCESS.

We are all plugging away at this together, one kg at a time. Welcome on board with us!
35kg lost. (November 2005 - October 2006)
15kg gained again (as at October 2010).
Back to the drawing board - Let's do this thing!

"You can't change the winds, but you can change the sails"

"Reach out and take control of what lands in your lap"

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Postby Maxx » Sat Apr 14, 2007 8:55 pm

WOW Thank you all for this WONDERFUL support!
I wouldn't know where or to who’s reply to comment on first!
Thank you very much. I have to say that i firmly believe that we all have success stories whether is be 5 kilos lost of 500 it's all about the goals and achievements.

from the posts i recall someone saying that this is a none judgmental forum and i have to say i am pleased and honored to be a member of it. It certainly IS welcoming AND warm.. also a delight to see individual signatures with success!!

Thank you i do believe i'm strong.. heck i wouldn't be here.. severely depressed but I’m strong! I’m blessed to have the small amount of people who DO love me and support me.. even my few online friends too..

Thank you re my dogs. My girls are precious to me and certainly know my emotions.. not wanting to say much right now as I’m still uneasy about it myself but the other night one of my girl (Zora) busted down the back door to get to me.. i must of been so delirious and down that i was cutting my wrists to remove the pain from my aching heart.. she certainly knew it and managed to get to me... before i did... my life savers I love them IM OK DONT STRESS i have my mood swings.. i guess

I cannot thank everyone enough for your support AND for taking the time to read my long hard journey.. my goal is to one day be on here and be a success like all of you are too.

I know it's going to be a hard and LOOOONNNNG journey BUT i am certainly going to work at it.. what have i got to loose apart from weight :lol: .

Just to note that if you dont hear from me for a while yesterday was a hard day as I’m headed for the hospital for my knee and leg as it's badly infected form the fall and needs to be drained.. maybe operated on. I'm looking at lap banding too, to get some weight off to relieve the pressure.. not really something i want to do BUT doctor's pushing for it i guess.

you will see me around AND i certainly will be looking at reading your success stories! and downs.. it's fine I’m happy to lend a shoulder too!

Thank you once again and on a lighter note this is day 2 without coke yaya!!!! mood swings but i feel ok!

Again thank you for your warm welcomes and i look forward to becoming a member of this warm and loving successful and hugging family!!
xox
Maxx
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GOAL 1: GIVE up COKE for 30 days
DAYS ACHIEVED: 0 of 30 (back 2 square one) Last attempt lasted 7 days
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Postby Maxx » Sat Apr 14, 2007 9:04 pm

Butterfly_Dawn wrote:Hi Maxx and welcome to the forum. You certainly have a lot of trauma in your past that you are evidently still trying to deal with. The unfortunate thing is that you weren't/aren't the only child in such a situation and in my job I hear so many stories like yours.

As has been said, try to focus on the positives - out of so much trauma you are a caring person who loves animals. You also seem very determined. I'm actually just starting my PhD and will be looking at positive outcomes and growth from child abuse and one of the things I am learning with all the reading I am doing is that post traumatic growth is a process that can sometimes take years as people start to put together everything that has happened and make some kind of sense out of things - but at the end of this there can be HOPE and SUCCESS.

We are all plugging away at this together, one kg at a time. Welcome on board with us!


Butterfly_dawn
post traumatic growth is a process that can sometimes take years as people start to put together everything that has happened and make some kind of sense out of things

this is very interesting... you know for years i never knew why i couldn't loose the weight.. i went through starving myself.. even today i eat once a day and it's not right.. when i worked in Defence my friends there helped me build up my motivation AND yes i lost 42 kilos in 3 months just from eating 6 to 7 times a day, small meals of course.. low sugar and low carb diet and exercised between 4 to 5 hours a day i felt great but then always fall into a heap... always when i seemed to move forward i end up being 20 back.. i would be curious to learn more about what you know or have to say on this subject that's for sure!
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DAYS ACHIEVED: 0 of 30 (back 2 square one) Last attempt lasted 7 days
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Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Mon Apr 16, 2007 5:22 pm

well your weightloss/gain may or may not be related to your trauma - emotional problems can certainly impact on weight gain/loss (or more specifically be the underlying reason for the surface causes of poor lifestyle choices). But I have sent a PM to you for more info on PTG FYI. And please be sure you get some help with the self harming - there are people who care about you that would be very hurt (or homeless in the case of your dogs) if anything happened to you.
35kg lost. (November 2005 - October 2006)
15kg gained again (as at October 2010).
Back to the drawing board - Let's do this thing!

"You can't change the winds, but you can change the sails"

"Reach out and take control of what lands in your lap"

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Postby SarahC » Fri Apr 20, 2007 10:12 am

Welcome to the forum Maxx. Thanks so much for sharing your story and your photos with us. Well done on taking the first step and I hope you get everything you need out of this forum :D
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