Hey there Ally my name is Molli. I too am a long term binge eater. I started binge eating at the age of 12 - I would binge, starve the next few days, binge a few days, starve a few days. That went on until I was 16, then I developed anorexia for around 6 months (worst time of my life), then went back to binge eating, put on around 19kg in the space of 1 year (my gosh the stretchmarks!), and then binged and starved my whole way through uni.
Developed anorexia again when I was in uni (another of the worst times of my life), lost a lot of weight, got help, stopped starving myself but went straight back into the binge eating with a vengeance.
I have maintained my weight around the 55-59kg mark for a few years (how I don't know, because when I binge I binge until I almost vomit and I binge around 50% of days.) I have also been guilty of overexercise to maintain my weight.
I have been on the "well I'm starting my diet tomorrow so may as well binge today" merrygoround thousands of times in the last decade or so. My body fat percentage is way higher than what is should be due to the years of yo-yo dieting. There have been times in my life where I have hated myself so badly that I felt I don't deserve to look nice, that all I deserve in life is to be a miserable bingeing person, that there is no other life for me.
I am terrified of being hungry now after the periods of starvation. I stuffed up my metabolism so badly I used to gain weight eating 600 calories a day (I now eat heaps, but just make sure to exercise well). I have spent many years being ashamed of myself, especially because I'm a normal weight, I feel like I shouldn't be so selfish as to have problems with my eating.
I am now rededicating myself to eating well and looking after myself, just as you are. I am just taking it day by day. I am also guilty of not documenting the bad things I've eaten!!
Ally, I wish you well in your journey, and just remember that you are not alone in this - everyone here has struggled to some extent with their eating and weight, so we can all understand each other. There is nothing to be embarrassed about (as I keep telling myself), and this forum is a great site for support (as I've found out since joining this week!).
You can do everything you set your mind to Ally. You will never fail as long as each time you fall you get up and try again.
I am gonna exercise my butt off!! Literally!!