Why can't I do this for more than a day?????
I sprained my ankle again yesterday. A week of hardcore cramming for an exam that now I can't get to. I planned on going back to the gym after exams, but I can't now. So I wasted a week on studying, only to have to repeat the subject in a year. I wasted the last two months because of my hip, and then only to sprain my ankle 4 days before I planned on going back to the gym. WTF??
I'm SO F*CKING SICK OF BEING A FAT SLOPPY PERSON!! I HATE IT! I HATE MYSELF! I'M SICK AND F*CKING TIRED OF THINGS ALWAYS GETTING IN THE WAY! I'M SICK OF NOT BEING ABLE TO MAINTAIN A PROPER DIET! I'M SICK OF NOONE IN THIS F*CKING HOUSE SUPPORTING ME!!!
Hubby today: "I'll pick you up some pork rolls while I'm out tomorrow for dinner." Like... do you realise that they contain like 700 trillion calories each?? DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE OF A HEART ATTACK AT 30???
I tried putting on a nicotine patch today - an hour later I started throwing up, got really dizzy, and had a really bad headache. I took it off and within 10 minutes I was fine. I want to quit smoking, but I can't chew the gum or have the lozenges because the nicotine goes directly into my bowel which doesn't like it and gives me cramps.
Why can't I do this? I'm attempting to do it for good reasons - I don't want to get diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and I don't want to die of heart disease or a heart attack before I'm a very very old woman. What the hell is holding me back? There's absolutely no reason why anything should be stopping, but I swear there's this voice in my head that tells me that I can't, that I shouldn't, that I'm not good enough.
I'm so tempted to revert back to my old eating disordered ways. Like today I overate at breakfast time - I spent an hour in the bathroom crying and looking at the toilet bowel, convincing myself to throw up, and then just as I start the process, I convince myself not to. Hubby has absolutely no idea about any of this, and to be honest, I don't think he cares that I'm overweight and how bad it is for my health. His theory is - you just DO it. Why is it just that easy for people? They just decide they're gonna do it, and then they do it. Whereas with me... well look at me! I've been on here for over a year, and I've put on 4kgs. GUH!?!