B'sgirl's Battle

[Miss Jo]

*hugggggggggggs* I hope you feel better soon Hayley! I'm here if you ever want to have a chat!?

[B'sgirl]

Thanx MJ, I appreciate it.

I'm feeling okay today. I'm still down but I'm feeling slightly 'brighter'.

I just need to let certain things/feelings go! You see, I lost a baby a few months back (I was 12 weeks pregs) & my sister just recently discovered that she is pregnant with twins! She has 3 kids already & no offence, but her partner doesn't support her one bit & he doesn't care much to spend time with her & their kids, he'd rather be with his mates drinking or asleep . When they found out they were expecting again, he hit the roof! Like, does he not realise that it takes two to get pregnant??? I mean, FFS! I just feel like, well if you clearly didn't want anymore kids, then you should have gone for the snip long ago or, did it occur to you to maybe...oh I dunno... USE CONTRACEPTION!!!????

Sorry to have a rant, he just gives me the irits! (to put it nicely & uncensored!) Anyways, we (my sister & I) were at our kids school yesterday for a special ceremony & all these other mums were congratulating her on her pregnancy etc & although I am happy for her, I couldn't help but feel the green-eyed monster rearing it's ugly head.

I think having my hubby living away from home doesn't help with my insecurities either. I'm trying to be a good mum to my children & keeping strong but at night, after I tuck the kids into bed, I just crumble. One positive to come out of this is I'm still exercising, as It makes me feel better. Also, usually I would reach for the comfort food, but lately I haven't felt like doing this, which is a bonus.

Sorry guys, I hate feeling sorry for myself as I know that there are less fortunate people out there in the world with real, major problems & I feel like I'm being silly feeling this way, I just need to get this all off my chest. Thanks for 'listening'. I just need to "harden the F up!"

Hayley
Hayley

[Miss Jo]

Oh Hayley, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

How often are you talking to your hubby? And you do sound like a good mum! Don't forget that!

Maybe after you tuck the kids in you can have some "Hayley time" - exercise, have a nice hot bath, glass of wine, read a trash magazine, ooohhh you can webcam your hubby too!!!

And, I'm sure we all don't mind if you have a rant here and there It's what we're all here for! to support each other!

xx

[Czarina]

I can relate, Hayley...

*hugs*

[Shalimar]

So sorry to hear of your loss Hayley I couldnt imagine anything worse. I have never been there and I hope I never am but it will take time and you should take all the time you need.

For what its worth, when it comes to our babies and children there is no such thing as hardening up.

Hugs XXX OOO.

[B'sgirl]

Thanx lovely ladies.

I think I just didn't give myself time to grieve properly. At the time of the loss we were in the process of packing up house & moving too, so although it acted as a diversion, I think it's finally catching up with me now & I'm starting to grieve fully. After I was told (at my 12 week scan) that there was no heartbeat, the doc told me to wait two weeks for the foetus to miscarry naturally. So I had to wait & nothing happened. I went back to the doc's & he was surprised that it hadn't happened yet so he sent me off to Wagga Base Hospital for an emergency curette.

When I came out of the surgery theatre I had a female doctor scold me, "You shouldn't have let it go so long!" (her words) as the reason the foetus hadn't miscarried was because it had started to 'calcify' inside me & that "It was really stuck in there & we had a hard time extracting it!" (her words again ). I was only doing what my doctor had told me to by waiting the two weeks She was just a nasty doctor, full of self importance & not a skerrick of bed-side manner or compassion! Then to top it off they put me in the maternity ward to recover where all I could see/hear was newborn babies

Then a week later, I contracted a virus brought on by the surgery & started to hemorrhage so I ended up in hospital again on an IV drip, pumping anti-biotics into me for three days. This all happened in May & we moved at the end of June, my sis found out about her pregnancy in July & I think now, finally, I'm just starting to process it all & it's hit me like a tonne of bricks! Even though I know that this whole situation could easily have been worse, I really feel for those who lose a bub at full term & I know that it was probably a blessing in disguise by happening now rather than later.

I know I'll be ok & thanks for the advice girls. I'm off now to have an early lunch with my little boy & watch Thomas the Tank Engine with him.

Hayley

[Czarina]

I can relate, Hayley...

*hugs*

To the depression, that is, not your loss...

[B'sgirl]

Feeling alot better today Girls.

Thanx for all of the advice & sympathy, it helps to know that there are people out there (albeit total strangers!) with encouraging words to help us through our day.

Am going to do alot of housework today to keep me busy as I know that if I just sit (& wallow!) the feelings of hopelessness will set in. So, first up is washing all of the sheets on our beds, then a load of clothes, dusting, vacumming, folding & putting away of washing, making all the beds & putting dinner on early (slowcooker).

Thanx again guys, hubby's home for the weekend so I probably won't be back on here until monday. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend,

Hayley.

[Shalimar]

Im glad youre feeling better Hayley .

You have a good one also.

[Czarina]

Glad to hear your hubby will be home. Have a nice weekend.

[Miss Jo]

YAY!! Have a fanastic weekend Hayley!!!

xx

[B'sgirl]

Well Hubby's just left to go back to Tumut, 'Cept it won;t be too long between visits as he's coming back up next weekend for fathers day.

We're experiencing bushfires at the moment. I'm not too worried where we are though as it's south from here & there's a huge Lake between the fire & us. Three years ago was different, we nearly lost our house to bushfires. We were evacuated & all we could do was watch in despair.

Haven't stuck to my health plan over the weekend but I am starting back on it tomorrow. I think I'll jump on the xtrainer tonight & just do 4kms, nothing too strenuous tonight.

Hope everyone had a great weekend,

luv ya bye,

Hayley

[B'sgirl]

Just got back from an hours walk with my dogs & man my arms are soooo sore from trying to control them on the lead! They kept pulling forward & running etc & my biceps are aching! But it's all good!

I'm back on track with my eating too. Stuck to it 100% yesterday & I've managed 12kms on my xtrainer this week already. I'm getting my eldest son to do a 'gym' circuit at home aswell as at the hospital for his CP. I have a log book that I record his workouts in & then I show it to his physiotherapist at the end of the week. It's going well & I find that by doing the course & stretches with him, it motivates both of us.

Well I'm off to have an early lunch & to do some washing (fun )

Ciao for now,

Hayley

[Shalimar]

Youre sounding much chirpier Hayley, good on you .

Have a great day .

[B'sgirl]

Thanx Sue,

I do feel much better, I'm back on my vitamins to help me stay happy! I only have a month until my school reunion so I'm starting to panic a bit! I'm hoping to lose at least 2kgs by then!

Have a great day,

Hayley