So today went badly again, I ate for emotional reasons, but of course ended up just feeling grose for it. My question is, WHY do I keep doing it, when I full well know I won't feel good afterwards? It's a really weird cycle.
My eating habits also aren't normal - like I polished off the cookies tonight just so they'd be gone - weird! Most people could keep them there and they'd last a while. I have never been able to! Do I love food too much!? I do love food.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a hopeless case and I do know how to make choices and I often make good ones but gosh, I just fail to understand WHY my brain can't compute that I'm trying to lose weight, therefore, simply, don't eat the crap. I mean, it's a simple enough sounding equation isn't it? Why then, does my stupid brain insist on telling me to eat the crap. It's rediculous!! I know ... certain times mean we crave certain foods to boost serotonin etc etc and that's where the cravings come in.But honestly, it just really really peeves me off that I keep slipping into binges, I mean come on now seriously, it's like... get a grip woman? Sorry - I am just rambling to myself here.
I am in control, so why do I find it so hard to control??? It's like I am taking a chance with the food - will it make me feel good?! Eat it - woops, no, don't feel good feel grose! It's not that all 'treat' foods make me feel grose, depending on the situation, I can quite enjoy it. But shouldn't I be able to assess those times when it will make me feel good, and the times it will make me feel rotton? I should be able to tell myself - you don't really want 7 cookies now. It will make you feel sluggish and you'll regret jeopardising your goals. But maybe one day when you're enjoying coffee out with a friend, you might enjoy a biscuit. Or like today, I had an Aero Bar. I craved it, but then had it, and it was horrible, the whole experience was like torture, there was no enjoyment at all, do you know what I mean? I mean technically it tasted nice but the actually experience was stressful because I felt bad and i knew it was just junky rubbish. So why did I think it would make me feel good???? I think I ASSOCIATE these foods as rewards and treats from days in the past, when it really WAS a treat to get some chocolate. What I am failing to do is aclimatise myself to the NOW. I'm just not sure where these binges come from, or how to control them. I have been trying to remember how I feel when I'm in the moment, when I've decided to have that chocolate, or those 7 cookies, or the cake after breakfast, and nothing will stop me. It's like I just shut off any voice in my head, I conciously push it away and then just do what I want. It's like I'm in a trance, and then after, after I've eaten, I come out of it feeling regretful. It's obvious I have at least some level of food addiction and this is not just a matter of 'woops I had a bit too much fun over chirstmas and put on a few'; it's an actual mental and emotional battle. One which... I have to admit, really terrifies me.
To look on the bright side, I think I am going in the right direction as I am acknowledging and trying to learn and really giving it a real go to be patient so that I can put changes in place that will have a lasting effect. It's interesting to note that when my Mum was my age she went up to a size 14 (right now I am a 12-14, probably more 14 than 12 atm) and then once she lost it, she has maintained her size 8-10 frame her whole life since. She has a healthy diet, with occasional treats. She doesn't have chocolate and biscuit addictions like me though!
I really want this to be something I can beat and something I can change but I am just really struggling right now. But, maybe when you look at it.... a few months ago I was eating LOADS more chocolate than I am now. I was eating choclate every day, sometimes like 2 or 3 lots a day!! And I felt AWFUL. I would buy chocolate in the morning, at lunch and after work! I'd buy it waiting for a train. I don't do that any more. My chocolate purchasing has gone way way done and usually if I do I have just been buying a freddo. But I also find the light hot chocs do the trick. So if I look at it this way, I suppose I did manage to come a long way in teaching myself that I didn't LIKE buying and scoffing chocolate like that, that it didn't make me feel good. So perhaps it's just a matter of training my brain to realise that if it really won't make me feel good then I DON'T want it. I hope it's just a matter of training. I really don't want to be too hard or negative on myself but I do want to acknowledge these things. Because at the end of today - I ate loads more calories than I needed too... and I am annoyed at that. I am thinking of the exact moments before...
I was sad because of something important to me that I couldn't accomplish.... i ate cookies
i ate cookies, so i felt bad, so i ate more cookies, and cake
i felt sad because of the anniversary of my nanna's death... i drank hot chocolate
i saw someone eating chocolate... i had already binged, so i ate chocolate (adn felt ghastly!!)
i came home, the cookies looked good, i ate the cookies
How it could have gone:
Ate well breakfast lunch and dinner, felt good... possibly craved something sweet.
I think that I can try and arm myself better.
One - I need bring fruit to work as snacks. If I am hungy, I am turning to junk.
I need to stock the light hot chocs. Depravation won't lead to good places.
I am late for bed, but I wanted to say - the weights on my arms are paying off already. My arms are feeling stronger, firmer and more powerful, and that makes me feel good!! Also, I don't know if this is just in my head, but I swear my butt is a bit more toned and 'lifed' than it was. Lifted, in, type thing, rather than hanging out the side like 2 extra asses. Haha!! If it is possible for a change already... it could be the walking, plus the big hills, and the butt exercises in the lounge room. Do you think it is possible to have a change already?
Back to it tomorrow. Always back to it
Food doesn't control my body, I CONTROL MY BODY!! I decide what I want to put in there! Food is an inanimate object, and does not have a say. I choose the fuel, the fuel doesn't choose me!!!