Ok well I thought I would separate these two posts to make it a little less daunting!
Um... hello! This morning I did Yoga and 50 minutes cardio at the gym. I am enjoying it. Tomorrow I am doing another pump class which i am really looking forward to.
Bad news came home after and pigged out. The list of reasons why i eat is growing.
Anyway i sat down with my bob greene book. you have to read a chapter about your self, and your emotional self, and go through asking yoruself all these questions, before you move on to actually trying to achieve fitness and weight goals. bob warns in the intro that this part is hard but essential to making true changes.
um so yeah i got to the part about starting to ask questions and it is right. it is challenging to look inside and examine yourself. I am handwriting my answers as I read.
Wow it's hard. This morning he asked, do i cut corners? and i though, No, with weight loss, i really don't- I haven't tried a fad or anything and i really am TRYING to do it the right way. But then he asked if you do it in other areas of your life, and i DO, in so many ways. anyway... i am not going to detail my answers on here, all i can say is that i think it's going to be a very introspective emotional journey looking inside.
Hmm i know that in high school, i was bullied from about year 7 to 9. Not for weight or anything like that, coz that has never been a MJOR issue for me... but i was bullied for being smart, for trying in school and stuff. I was also bullied, and this is so hard to say coz to this day it just makes me want to crawl inside myself, just bullied for a physical aspect, i have naturally quite thick dark eyebrows and was really teased for it, and for being smart, and just felt like this sort of... i dunno, i just didnt feel special. i mean, i had friends, always had friends, and you know, you grow out of those early teens you get your eyebrows shaped and everything is right as rain. Now, boys do like me and do think im hot (so hard to write that) and stuff, but it's like the wounds are still there. I was teased on a daily basis at school, by boys, and by the girls who were trying to be cool to those boys. Like i said, i always had friends, and i would put on a tough act like i didnt care, but i did. To have to sit there and pretend you cant hear the things people are syaing about you, is so painful. The tears are welling up as i write. i think it was a problem too even in dance class i felt on the outer for these things... i think maybe this was the beginning of my problems. to deal with the teasing, you know, after the eyebrows had been shaped and i was you know, alright, about yer ten onwards, i started the too cool for school act... it was a defence mechanism to show that nothign anyone said bothered me. I started like, not doign assignments and stuff, just to show i didnt care. um yeah, so i still did well in high school but the studious girl i was in the beginning never came back. I also became quite sarcastic and stuff in the beginning, to deal with comments of the idiots and bullies.
So, I am not sure yet of the connection between that, and food, but i know it's probably there somewhere. It may have something to do now with my underachieving... and the fact that, i find it hard to believe when someboy tells me i'm 'hot'. i had a lady at work the other day tell me that alll the boys thought i was a 'hottie'.. i jsut went red and turned away. I mean, when i look in the mirror, aside from the body flaws which are definately there which im tryign to work on, i can see that yes i guess i do have somewhat of a pretty face but like when i think that, it still makes me want to cry, because something on the inside doesnt feel pretty. It's like all that bullying and nasty stuff at school just made me... a bit hardened and just a bit insecure. Maybe in highschool i turned to food for comfort after school? i dont know. Maybe it's that i'm scared to BE what i want to be, to be pretty, to be confident, because i don't feel like i am worth it or that i can do it.
I suppose there are a million little things in life that can add up to these insecurites, and this is just one for me.
But i hope that looking into them will help me, coz it's hard looking back on this stuff that you jsut want to forget! Bob Greene writes that putting a blanket over it won't help. That you have to you know, acknowledge it, bash it out first i guess. i hope it's worth it!
So yeah, I am going to write for myself through this emotional chapter, not on here. I'm going to stop the food plans for the moment, as they were not going to plan anyway. I need to focus on this plan of attack at the moment. meanwhile i am still exercising and will continue to try and make healthy choices.
I'll keep up with regular posts though.
until next time-[/i]