Ex duromine junkie! Was on and off it for 5years maintaining a tidy 55-59kgs - tidy but very very unhealthy.
After a breakdown from a relationship I finally just stopped caring about my weight (ex bulimic) and essentially sat hiding in the dark for almost a year - living off chocolate. Food became the only thing that remotely brung happiness... I'd never understood before how "ppl could let themselves get SO fat" and now I get it - competely! When I see obese ppl i don't think "oh yuk" instead I wonder what happened to them to make them how they are....I feel sad for them...I spent a long time feeling sad for me.
I went from someone that weighed-in compulsively to never weighing in (I simply just got so worn out from obsessing about my weight - its not a way to live...starving/vomting just to get the numbers down this surge of happiness when I got to 52kgs (under my bmi) only to be filled just as fast with dread/anxiety at the day ahead and trying at all costs to avoid food).
- Addicted to duromine (5yrs)
- Deep depression (1.5yrs)
- Now - out of the 'dark' - 12weeks into clean-eating and exercising - no pills! no quick fixes!
Firstly my diary isn't about sitting here feeling sorry about myself - it's not a 'im starting' or a 'I'm gonna' it simple 'IS'. I acknowledge I had an addiction to phetermine I acknowledge that that addiction contributed to my spiral decline and ruined relationships I acknowledge that for a year I was deeply depressed - debilitating so and closer to death then I have ever been. And finally I acknowledge that I FORGIVE myself, that I needed that year to just stop focusing on WEIGHT to stop it running my LIFE!
Within 4months of my 'darkness' I went from 57kgs to 80 something (more then what I weighed when I was pregs!) The fatter I got the more I wanted to avoid ppl/the shops incase ppl I knew seen me fat..less then perfect - I was underso much pressure to maintain - pressure I put on myself and real pressure - Goldcoast isnt full of beautiful women for no reason!
To avoid shops id go drive through fast food outlets so I didnt have to see ppl... I'd run in and out of local shops doing chocolate runs cause I was shamed to shop at the one beacause 'they' would know how much choc/junk I was living off ect - I could easily have a block of choc for breaky and then again by mid day.....
Making matters worse my ex is a pro-bodybuilder (great) and my new bf is a (personal trainer) ...extra great haha just more pressure to be fit enough to be 'worthy' of them (*pressure again i'm putting on myself - irrational)
Lets get back on track here - I want this diary to be postive - I keep a hardcopy diary but I like that this is interactive - i would love to make friends that understand... hate being alone or having to keep secrets cos of judgements =) I will post photos of progress along the way - just figuring out how to work all this!
Mostly this diary for me so if anyone reads it it may be a bit boring sorry, lots of food and exercise logs ect
my first weighin 12weeks ago was a shocking (for me..remember I wouldnt let myself get above 59cause I considered that fat) was 82.9kgs now I weight 72.7 kgs....I have such a long way to go but at least its progess and I'm doing it the right way which makes me proud! I'm 28 and a mummy of 1 (five year old).