134.1 kg -
10 kg down!! Not really noticing a difference yet, but have prepared my-self to not expect any noticeable difference for about 12 weeks, so I'm all good with that
I've been reading a bit on here that last day or so and was starting to think about motivation and where people find it, think I am understanding why this time is so different for me, it's because it's about me not my wonderful kids, not my partner, not even my health but about me wanting to feel better and being sick of being depressed and feeling like I'm pathetic and worth nothing. I have come to realise that this journey is my own and I can't get over how wonderful that feels, don't get me wrong alot of what I want involves other people like being about to run around with my kids and have my partner be able to pick me up and censored me
but the bottom line in this, is me.
I'm going to share a story and you may judge me as a lay bad mother with no motivation but that's OK because I'm ready now.
About 12 months ago my very beautiful daughter who was then 6 and in the bottom half of a healthy weight range was getting upset about her weight to the point where she would fold her arms in front of her stomach and come up and suck in her stomach and ask me if she was fat. I naturally got really up-set about this and sat down with her to have a little talk and found out low and behold mother's worst nightmare it was about me, she thought she was fat because everyone would say how much she looks like me.
I felt like crying and in the moment was a little upset but had to hold myself together, I felt this was one of those really big moments in her life and I had to tread carefully. So I took her with me and went through the cupboard and started pulling out photo's of when I was younger (hay I was pretty hot if I say so my-self) and explained to her that this is why everyone says she looks like me because of our faces and how she has my eyes, nose, mouth, cheeks etc. She wanted to know why I was fat now, so I then had to explain to my 6 year old that mum had made some bad choices and she in her innocence asked me if I can fix it?
I then went on a bender exercised 6 days sometimes twice a day, got into Muay Thai and lasted about 3 months lost over 20 kgs. I went to the doctor, and for the first time in my life got told to slow down my weight loss and that doing this much exercise was causing damage to my joints as I was so heavy (have a early arthritis). Apparently as I was breastfeeding at the time (and concious of this with eating enough calories for my bub) by loosing over 1/2 a kilo a week at my weight I would be releasing too many toxins into my breast milk and it wouldn't be good for my lil man.
So I took this as an excuse to stop loosing weight and exercising, I had post natal depression at the time and refused medication because I wanted to breastfeed and didn't want to pass any medication onto my baby. Needless to say the weight came back on plus some, it is hard to say how I felt - in my head I had betrayed my daughter, was pathetic, a failure and every other bad name one can call them-selves.
Looking back I now realise that I wasn't happy at the time and thought short of being a mother, partner, sister, daughter I was worthless and not worth the air I breathe. This time is different because I know me, just me on my own is worth something and that being worth something doesn't have to minimise how I feel about my family but actually makes it stronger because now I can properly teach my children how to really see their own worth.
Off to appreciate my good day now and enjoying being me