Play it again Sam ...

[feebeejay]

... ok here I am AGAIN!! having not been on this forum for just over 12months, and ashamed to say that all that weight I lost, found me again. I dropped the ball and let life get to me, and stopped being accountable to myself and my poor body has suffered!! Last January we lost our house in the Tassie bush fires and I let that be an excuse for stepping off the bus and letting life just get on without me. Luckily, since I married my wonderful husband, and we moved in with him, our house (the one we lost) had become a holiday home and as a result was not as dire as some others caught up in the bush fires - at least we still had a roof over our heads. Because of this though, we didn't qualify for any of the support or assistance, although the insurance company were great, but this left me feeling a bit weird, worthless and not quite as legitimate as other bush fire victims. I developed an aversion to any official mail, finding it difficult to even open a letter, let alone read and take in what it said. I know this is not rational, it does not make sense, but this is what I allowed to happen to me. I have only recently, 12 months later, decided that I cannot go through my life ignoring my mail and decided that I need to change this in myself - don't know what I'm afraid of - maybe its just being lazy?? anyway, so through last year, I was resorting to good ol' comfort food and through the next 10 months put on almost 13kg!!! shocking right??

so... my boss finally voiced her concerns for my health and encouraged me to find out about lap band surgery. I had never thought I would be a candidate because I have a 20 year history of reflux and associated oesophagus damage. I did lots of internet research and got a referral from the GP to go and see 'the lap band man', still uncertain if it is the course of action I want to take. I spoke to a few people who have had the surgery, who it has actually worked for, and got very enthusiastic. I also was aware of a few people who the surgery had not really worked for, and made a mental note of lots of questions to talk to the lap band man about.

My appointment finally came around (I'd put off actually making the appointment for about 4 weeks) and I finally was able to talk to the lap band man about the surgery, about whether I was a candidate and what would be involved. He was very easy to talk with, he answered all of my questions, yes, I was a candidate, nothing seemed to be a problem. I had only recently joined a health insurance fund so I need to wait 12 months before going ahead with surgery anyway, so it has given me a lot of thinking time to consider all the options. He told me that only 2% of people who try to lose weight on their own, actually succeed. 2%???!!!! wow!! that's pretty small odds right?? By the time I walked out of his office, I wished I had joined the health fund earlier because I thought I would go ahead with the procedure.

I probably also need to add that from the time I started thinking about even going to see the lap band man, I imagined that I WAS already fitted with a lap band and even found some lap band hypnosis online that I had to listen to about 6 times before I finally was able to listen to it before falling asleep, LOL. Short story is that by the time I went to see the lap band man, I'd lost 2-3 kg purely by eating smaller portions, and chewing everything about 1000 times "interesting" I thought to myself ... then it was Christmas, uh-oh ... nothing really happened over Christmas, except maybe I put on about 1kg, which I see as a positive, because it quite easily could have been more.

so ... here we are now, middle of February, I've been sort of counting calories, using my iPhone app to record my food intake and weigh in etc. weigh in day is Tuesday - I have really tried not to weigh myself every day, but a lifetime of habits are hard to break, so occasionally I get on the scales on days that are not my usually weigh in day. I'm going to try not to do that, but I get impatient and in a way, want it all to happen really fast, but I know I have to be sensible about it all and take it as a life challenge, and not a 'diet' but the challenge is working out what 'normal' people do, and try to adjust the habits of a lifetime and try to live a 'normal' life, and not an obese life.

so, back in October, I'd crept up to 122.6kg - whoa - biggest I've ever been and I'm only 156cm tall, so basically I'm just a big round ball of chunkiness!!! and yes, my BMI is not far off 50!!!!! its a wonder I'm not dead!!

so its been slow, but I finally started recording my food intake a couple of weeks ago, when the scales were telling me 118.2kg. so tomorrow is the official week 2 weigh in and I'm hoping I've lost at least 1.5kg - my iPhone app is working on the principle of losing .5kg per week, and it will take me a while to get to my ultimate goal of 80kg, but I'm looking at this as something I will need to do forever, not just for a couple of months. finally I've realised that it HAS to be forever - one of those people I talked to who has had a lap band and was so pro-lap band a couple of months ago, and in fact had a skin removal operation over Christmas, has started putting weight on again and even she admitted that it is something she will need to deal with forever - BINGO!! that's what my rational mind tells me all the time, I just need to follow through with the right actions!!

I started out doing around 1700 calories in the first week, then back to 1600 for this week, and I'm thinking I will stick to around 1500-1600 calories, and try to stay away from those foods that I know tempt me - but even if I find something that tempts me, maybe I can just have a small small portion, to satisfy the taste factor, and not necessarily binge on it ... here's trying anyway.

I've also decided that planning ahead is key. my downfall is finding something that is quick and easy - convenience food is where I usually head after a long day at work, so a cook up on the weekend so there is something pre-prepared and ready when I open the fridge that satisfies all those elements that make up the traps that I readily fall in to - I just need to fall into the trap of healthier food (and smaller portions!!). I've also stocked up on some frozen meals as well that are already calorie counted, so when I get home from work, I have something quick and easy that fits into my calorie count for the day.

having said all that, I also have an appointment at a dietician in a couple of weeks so hopefully I can get some more tips and advice to help keep me on track.

to keep me accountable, I'm also going to try to post on here more regularly - at least a weekly update on weigh in day!!

so, who hoo, here goes - wish me luck

Fiona

[feebeejay]

weigh in day today - 116.8kg
so in the past week I've lost 600g - so that's pretty much on track with my plan (and a total of 5.8kg so far), a part of me would like to see those numbers just drop away, but I have to be patient I guess ...

in other news - I had a gastroscopy today. I've had reflux and oesophagus issues for a long time, and am supposed to have them every 3years, and its been about 5-6 years, so long overdue ... short story, they found some polyps that they have biopsied and as a result my throat feels a bit raw (and very bruised). Because I had to fast before the procedure, I had your general 'hospital sandwich' while I was in recovery - which was something I probably wouldn't have chosen to use up 300 calories on normally ... on the way home I decided an ice-cream sundae was the perfect 'medicine' for a tender throat (which was very tasty by the way), but when I've counted up my calories for the day, it surprised me when I worked it all out - which is a bit of a lesson to me to be very mindful of how you can rack up a heap of calories without even thinking about it ... I still haven't reached 1600 cals for the day, so have a little bit in reserve from today

I'm wary of eating anything that will hurt my throat, so that's just another challenge, not to over indulge in ice cream and jelly, right?? soup is probably a good choice for tomorrow I'm thinking ...

till next time
Fee

[JP1]

Hi Fiona, sounds like you've been through the grinder the past year but well done on your recent losses.. Wishing you every success in the coming months..

[feebeejay]

Thanks JP1 - I'm ever hopeful and just hope I can put it all in perspective when it matters most. Today was interesting - I went to a lunch time family birthday celebration, it was a BBQ, and it was ok, problem is that you don't know which brand hamburgers they are (and they were most likely prepared by the butcher) and so then don't really know how many calories ... I probably could have chosen more wisely but in terms of volume, I did ok and had a nice fulfilling lunch UNTIL the dessert came around. I said no to the chocolate birthday cake - I find choc cake a bit rich sometimes so can easily opt out BUT there was also a lemon meringue pie ... UH-OH JUNGO!!! Yep, I had a piece - and it was soooooo yummy so I don't regret it at all, but now I just have to limit my intake for the rest of the day ... No so bad when I think back on how awesome that dessert was. I still have about 300 calories i can have for dinner, and I think I have a frozen weight watchers meal that is about that in the freezer - so if I get hungry later, then I know what my options are. I had a bit of a blah day on Wednesday, but the rest of the week I've been trying to really stick to my calorie limit (1600) so even though I have tried not to get on the scales before weigh in day, I did hop on them this morning, and was a teeny bit disappointed that they hadn't moved since Tuesdays weigh in - I know I'm expecting miracles given my bit of a splurge on Wednesday, but I just so much want those numbers to go down!!! Oh well, I'm so hoping that Tuesday will show another half kilo at least loss.
I have an appointment at the dietitian on Monday so she may be able to help me with some extra info to keep me on the straight and narrow (lol)
It's all a bit of a challenge ... Now, onward and upward - I'm off to find a suitable distraction that doesn't involve food!!
Till next time
fj

[feebeejay]

Wow!! Am feeling so deflated - just came out from seeing the dietitian and while I thought what I was doing was ok, it seems that I've been doing everything wrong and not in a healthy way. I am so close to tears it's not funny - I can't even describe why I'm feeling this way - I guess it's not rocket science to know that what I've been eating hasn't been the healthiest options given the weight that I am, but I think I thought I'd found a few things that worked for me - counting calories being one of them. So now I'm supposed to steer away from counting calories and try to make change by eating proper serving sizes - which when I see what a serving really is, then I've been eating way too much of everything and way too much salt content! It really feels like a kick in the stomach - I thought I was doing really well so much for me thinking that I had it all under control - feeling a bit sad now ... oh and I hate the dietician's scales by the way!!!!!

[DD Diva]

Wow!! Am feeling so deflated - just came out from seeing the dietitian and while I thought what I was doing was ok, it seems that I've been doing everything wrong and not in a healthy way. I am so close to tears it's not funny - I can't even describe why I'm feeling this way - I guess it's not rocket science to know that what I've been eating hasn't been the healthiest options given the weight that I am, but I think I thought I'd found a few things that worked for me - counting calories being one of them. So now I'm supposed to steer away from counting calories and try to make change by eating proper serving sizes - which when I see what a serving really is, then I've been eating way too much of everything and way too much salt content! It really feels like a kick in the stomach - I thought I was doing really well so much for me thinking that I had it all under control - feeling a bit sad now ... oh and I hate the dietician's scales by the way!!!!!

Hey feebeejay,

Please don't feel down; I'm sure that you will be fine.

I know that the dietitian meant/means well and is only trying to make sure that you don't deprive yourself of the necessary calories/nutrients to harm your body or your mental well being.

I'm a great believe in counting calories, and after YEARS of trying every diet known to man/woman, I have reverted back to just that. And it works!!! Portion control without counting calories for me has never worked, and to think that it can work for everyone is ludicrous.

Tell your dietitian that you prefer to count calories, because it empowers you; makes you feel that you know how much is going in and how much has to be expended in order to shed the kilos. If that doesn't still well with the dietitian, find one that will respect that. After all, helping someone to help themselves is about WORKING WITH THEM not against them. And because we're all different, there's no point telling someone it HAS TO BE this way or the highway; that's just not going to work.

Whatever you do, consult your doctor and if you're not happy with the dietitian, let your doctor know this too and maybe he/she can refer you to one that is more FLEXIBLE. After all, you have to be happy or else your diet (rather, your life long better eating plan) is doomed to fail.

Take care, and don't feel disheartened, your attitude and happiness is as important as what you put on your plate, and in your body.

Cheers,
Diva

[JP1]

Don't lose faith, as Diva says you have to find something that works for you but take the positives out of the advice too and work that into your routine.. You've been losing wight right? So something was working with your diet obviously..

Personally I don't count calories at all, I know from previous experience what healthy meal options suit me and it helps being a creature of habit ie I don't mind some kind of repetition with my meals especially breakfast and lunch.. I just have to cut out all the snacks and rubbish foods that I usually love.. I also can't stress how important exercise is, if you can walk at least an hour a day you'll feel better and soon see results..

Don't want to teach you how to suck eggs here, just encourage you to do what works for you whilst still being able to adapt to other ideas.. you are doing well, don't let all this dishearten you and good luck on your journey..

[feebeejay]

thanks Diva and JP1,
you both have some sensible advice, and I think yesterday I just reacted badly to what I saw as me having been doing everything 'all wrong'. Today was weigh in day, and I have dropped another 600g, so yes, I am seeing results, although they are slow, that is how I see it being more sustainable than trying to lost it all quickly. Through my years of struggling with weight, I had been leaning toward the lower carb, higher protein kind of options, and I think I must have some aspect of Asperger kind of aversion to textured food and I prefer to have veggies separate to other food as opposed to being mixed in in a casserole or something (although I'm strongly leaning toward that just being some kind of excuse I've made up for myself). I already knew I wasn't eating enough veggies I guess, but I do have a lot of processed food because it is quick and easy, so what she is recommending is of course, to steer away from the processed stuff and try to eat more fresh food and more carbs than I am used to, with the aim of reducing my sodium intake (a problem re hypertension of course). In my panic yesterday I just couldn't see how I could possibly stick to all the rules and regulations about number of servings, low sodium and protein increased carbs and increased calories (from my self imposed 1600 to 1800) and lose weight. It felt like my whole entire way of being was wrong and it all had to change. now that I've had time to calm down a little and take on board some of what she has said, I can see how I can make some better choices and aim to reduce the sodium content, increase my veggie intake and maybe I'll work on the rest day by day. I know exercise is key to the whole thing, and I don't want to lose muscle mass just to reduce the number on the scale, but I need to find something that is sustainable and that I know I will do or else it will all fall apart again. I am being incredibly honest - I am pretty lazy when it comes to doing anything that takes much effort, and whilst I know I need to make these changes, I think I can maybe incorporate things gradually as opposed to needing to change everything at once, which is how it felt yesterday. It was also very interesting how when I was feeling so stressed and panicked and out of control, I reached for a pack of choc mallows and whilst I'd worked out that each one was 20 calories, and I'd resolved to maybe have 2 or 3 - I proceeded to eat the whole packet!!! stupid thing to do!!!! I can't help but wonder why I keep doing this to myself???? so, the next plan is to stop, pick myself up, and try to do it the right way, listen to the expert advice and do what I can to make it work for me ... whatever happens, it HAS to be sustainable and manageable or else I know it just won't stick.

so ... while I still had my regular apples for breakfast (which was given the thumbs down yesterday), I also had some cheese (diary & protein), I had a weight watchers meal for lunch that included veggies and protein, and we are off to my sister-in-law's place for dinner so if I watch the portion size then maybe I can give myself a tick for the day. I also have some grapes and a muesli bar (too much sodium in muesli bars apparently) I can snack on if necessary. One thing at a time I reckon - I figure that if I can make some of the recommended changes by the time I next go (2 weeks) then I can feel a bit happier with myself. On the plus side (lol) I attended a morning tea info session today for work and didn't eat any of the morning tea. while I was walking (yes walking - 15 minutes worth + a hill!!!) back to work I stopped and looked in the window of the fish shop and 'considered' going in on the way home form work on a day we're going straight home (e.g. not today) and already I've eaten more veggies than I would have previously in any given day, so in terms of improvement, I think I can tick some boxes today - as long as there is no chocolate in any of them, lol!!!

aaarrrgggghhhhh - it's a life long challenge!!!!!!! till next time
fj

[JP1]

Small steps and all that.. Glad to hear you have seen the wood from the trees in the advice given and 600g loss too! Can't all be bad, well done.. upwards and onwards!

[JP1]

Small steps and all that.. Glad to hear you have seen the wood from the trees in the advice given and 600g loss too! Can't all be bad, well done.. upwards and onwards!

Or downwards even

[Blitz]

Hey Fiona! It ain't over until the fat lady is GONE!

The only thing you need lap banding is your head! Stop it from sabotaging your success!

But seriously Fiona, Rome wasn't built in a day...every day you are learning something new about yourself that will bring you closer to success. The past only defeats us if we fail to learn from it. So learn and grow towards the success that you deserve!

Reflux. I used to suffer from lots of reflux. I was never without some Quickeze on my persons and used them after every meal. I became so notorious with them that even my best man at my wedding made a joke about them in his speech. One of the unlooked for benefits of eating healthy and losing weight is that the reflux totally disappeared. I have an half eaten pack of Quickeze that is two and a half years old that I keep as a memento!

While your dietician can give you lots of useful help, remember you are ultimately in charge. At the end of the day your dietician goes home but you are the one who carries the weight with you 24/7. This is your journey and your choices. The lifestyle that you build must be one that you can live with. You have to make it work and make it your own. For example - for me yoghurt is not an option. I know it is very good and healthy but I can't stand the taste of it. So I find healthy alternatives that I can live with. That is what you have to do. Slowly build a lifestyle that works. Yes, you will fall on your face from time to time but you end up owning the lifestyle. It becomes part of who you are as a person.

Note: sometimes the experts do know what they are talking about. I had a knowledgeable friend during my weight loss who would advise me about exercise. All through the journey I would reject his suggestions only to reluctantly pick them up after I what I was trying wasn't getting me the results I wanted.

Steady progress...steady weight loss...is the way (weigh) to go!
Kim

[feebeejay]

thanks Kim for the reminder about my self sabotage. I must admit I was intrigued with my reaction, it was almost like I knew it was happening, but felt it just overwhelm me, whilst at the same time I was trying to tell myself to stop it - it really was quite a powerful feeling. I've thought about it since and I think it was some kind of weird sense of grief that I was feeling - grief at the fact that I can't just do what I want to do without consequences. it was really weird to me that it felt so strong - and the way I then continued to react was to eat stupid stuff - it was almost like once I'd done that I could settle and think more clearly. I would like to explore that a bit more to understand it (and me) better.

so ... I have listened to the advice given, and understand it is all about balance and yes, it will take some time to get all of that faddishness out of my head - and maybe we can come to a compromise about the number of bread/grain servings (dietician has at 6-8 serves a day) which seems too much based on what I have been eating - although I must admit, I ate toast for breakfast, making the change to multi grain bread, and noticed a considerable difference in how long the 'satisfied' feeling lasted - so, yes, I can see the benefit ... I just need to be brave enough to try it out. so again, on the positive side, I've started trying out the ideas, I haven't stuck my head in the sand being an ostrich, but I seriously need to learn how to be a better cook!! I so totally stuffed up what would have been a yummy stir fry tonight, by adding spicy sauce by mistake - I didn't even know they made a spicy version of this sauce, so it was a complete surprise to me when my tongue started burning!! but again, there was a positive because I rinsed off the spicy sauce, made do with just the bare bones of the stir fry so to speak, meat & veg and only had a regular sized portion. if it had been really yummy, I might have been tempted to go for a bigger helping. I guess the world works in mysterious ways, right??

I've been trying to get in some incidental exercise, and am working on what I need to be able to achieve on a regular basis, but I'm just taking one day at a time. thanks everyone for your encouragement, it really does help
till next time
fj

[Blitz]

What is this sabotage thing all about anyway? Why is success so scary? I see it time and time again. Someone is doing real well. Eating right, exercising right and getting their lifestyle together then a problem comes along (any problem will do) and they go on a binge and throw away all the good work that they have achieved - then they feel guilty about the binge to boot! Is success so dreadful?

Maybe, just maybe - it is because if they fear that if they succeed they have no more excuses about how they deal with the problems of life. It is a bit like in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy with the announcement, "We have returned you back to normal. Any problems you are now experiencing are your own and not our problem. Thank you."

I'm a great believer in a good size breakfast. I eat more at breakfast than I ever did in my overweight days. Put your grain serves there where it will do the most good. I too am suspicious of too much bread...so go with the grains. They are more complex and do you more good.

Spicy sauce? Bet you won't make that mistake again! We live and learn. You don't need to be a good cook to lose weight. No one in our household can lay any claim to cookery and I did alright. We buy a lot of those weightwatcher type frozen meals and that keeps us going. In the end it isn't so much what we eat that is our undoing - it is how much we eat!

I'll be interested to see what you come up with exercise wise. Plan variety in your exercise (both length and intensity) for best results.

One day at a time...absolutely right. Yesterday is gone...tomorrow is still to come...today is what we control.

To your better future Fiona...go girl go!
Kim

[feebeejay]

Thanks Kim for your support and encouragement,
I really don't understand the whole sabotage thing either - even when I know i'm doing it to myself I don't really understand it. I remember once when I was young, my grandfather was living with us, and my mum was trying to take care of him and get his diabetes under control - and I recall them literally having a tug of war over a loaf of bread - he was so determined to eat that bread, my mum pretty much gave up. I am so intrigued by the 'sabotage' that I wonder frequently if it is the fight between adult and petulant child within myself, when I KNOW that if I did the 'right' thing the results are going to show up in the end ... it will forever be a mystery I think.

I know I've said this before, but something sort of feels different this time, which I why I was so intrigued by my response last week - i really thought I was on the right page and had it all under control, but apparently not. I am super more mindful now though, and have been seriously thinking about the changes I need to make.

So... I've taken a couple of things on board that the dietitian said ...
1. I am eating bread (multi grain) for breakfast, where previously I was just having fruit on its own, which increases my carb serves (well, only by 2, but it's more than I was having)
2. I have incorporated yoghurt for breakfast or morning tea - its' one of those low-no fat varieties that's only about 80 cals per tub - increased calcium
3. I have been having the odd slice of cheese (not every day, but some days) which is a slight increase in calcium and protein - as I don't drink milk, cheese and yoghurt are pretty much my only options for calcium intake - but want to be careful as they both have capacity to be loaded with calories
4. I have been having some of those weight watchers/lean cuisine kinds of meals that have both meat & veg, all in a cosy little calorie controlled serve - this allows me to count veg serves as well as limit my portions sizes - as well as feed my need not to cook too much!! and, when they're on special at the supermarket, that's a bonus too!!
5. I have educated my husband on things not to buy for me (eg twisties and my favourite biscuits) and when he brought chocolate home from the supermarket yesterday, I was quite easily able to say no - and not even feel tempted.

so, in terms of progress, I think i'm on track. I've dragged my exercise trampoline out of the shed and have started jumping around on that for a few minutes at a time - my theory being that anything i'm doing is more than I WAS doing, so it's all good, right??

I watched this show on telly last night about this guy who used to be 600 pounds, and now is 220 - he had an incredible amount of loose skin removed, and is now a personal trainer. It was inspiring to see that with support, this guy was able to work away the excess weight - and not need a lap band

so ... I stepped on the scales this morning (even though weigh in day is technically tomorrow) and found that I've lost a little bit more this week than last week (about a kilo), although i'm waiting to see what it says tomorrow just to be sure. Then of course, I have a challenge tomorrow night we are going out for dinner to celebrate my daughters birthday, so I just need to remember to keep making healthy choices!!

anyway, until next time
fee

[feebeejay]

ok, so its official weigh in day for me today - and the scales showed up as having lost 1.4kg since last week, which I'm pretty happy with. given that its twice as much as my app tells me I should have lost this week, i'm hopeful that the loss will stay, and its not just telling me funny stories. One thing I noticed over the weekend is that I didn't really have much to drink over the weekend, so back into my regular routine at work today and i will consume at least 1.5 litres of water, so im really going to try to not get on those darn scales until tuesday next week (although it is so hard not to do that because im so impatient) in case it tells me i'm heavier tomorrow!! however, I really need to consider what i eat at tonights dinner challenge - im thinking probably a roast or small steak with veggies might be the go (Im not realy a salad kind of gal) - i just need to NOT eat any chips or deep fried ickiness!! there will also be birthday cake but there might be more people than there will be cake, so that also might end up ok, and not too much of a challenge. I dont usually drink alcohol much at all, so thats not a big thing, but i wondered if i would allow myself say a diet coke or something, even though I haavent really been having soft drink either much lately - maybe a diet coke wont be too bad?? i'm probably more likely to have a soda water - or hey, maybe i'll just stick to ice water and leave it at that ...
i'll keep you posted
fj