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Mickey's Progress

Record your personal weight loss progress here.

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Postby zeedeveelgirl » Mon Jun 11, 2007 10:07 pm

Hehehe ya poor chick, the physio should've warned you that it may hurt!! I'm a massage therapist and after a while you start to expect the pain. If I come out of a massage having not been in pain for most of it, I'm disappointed :P
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Postby MickeyB » Wed Aug 01, 2007 12:41 pm

Well I'm still sitting here procrastinating.

It's very disheartening to see the same crap written over and over everywhere since the beginning of this year :shock: . I keep flicking back to some of the other support groups that I've joined all over the web and seeing the same stuff being blabbed out, I'm getting so sick of hearing myself and my excuses LOL

On the plus side (literally LOL) I've managed to stop gaining. I've bounced around the same 84-86kg since I was in here last. For the past 2 weeks I've stabilised on 86kg flat and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get any motivation back to reach the 70's. At this stage I would be over the moon to just see 83kg.

I know I've only got myself to blame, but I'm so over it. If it's not one thing it's another lately. I've quit my job, which free's up a lot of my time, but hubby is on arvo shift now so that means exercise in the mornings, which I find hard to do LOL For the past few weeks though I have been feeling very ill. Nausea, dizziness, migraines, (Sorry if TMI) diarrhea, black outs, extreme tiredness, weakness all over, leg cramps, feeling very fuzzy in the head like not being able to concentrate. It's been going on for a few weeks, last week I thought I may have been pregnant with all the tiredness but no, AF arrived on time as usual. I went to the doctor yesterday who has scared me senseless. I asked for some blood tests to see about potassium deficiency as it can cause all of those symptoms, but he has tested for thyroid function as well, this is my worst nightmare as I have a family history of thyroid problems, and it's the last thing I want, especially while TTC and trying to lose weight!

So I think the only way through it is to pull my head in just do this thing. I feel better and my skin clears up when I'm actually looking after myself, (surprise surprise) and if I fall off I'm tending to get down about it and give up slowly till I reach full circle again. Which isn't like me at all. I think if I added up the amount of times I have lost the same 2kg over the past few months, I would have lost the 10kg I need to lose LOL

And once again my stats:

SW: 118kg
CW 1/08: 86.1kg
Mini GW: 83kg
GW: 73kg
Loss So Far: 0kg :oops:

I've decided to take it a week at a time as any longer than that and I am falling flat on my face. I would like to lose 1kg for this week, only because I know I can and it's mostly fluid loss etc. I'm getting over a flu at the moment, so haven't walked all week, but plan on going tomorrow morning before the kindy run. Also planning on not eating crap on the weekend. I seriously can't be that damn slack and lazy that I just can't stop over eating!

You know, it's getting to a point where it's pathetic and I feel like people are thinking 'geez she's done it before she can do it again, what's her problem? Why is she getting fatter?" (and yes I'm thinking that about myself) The fact is I have done it before, and I know how to do it, I just can't get my head to click over into drive, it's just sitting in neutral not moving anywhere.

So my goals for this week:

*Lose 1kg and say hello to the 85's and goodbye to the 86's.
*Go for at least 3 walks this week before Monday
*Count Calories for the rest of the week and stop avoiding it on the weekend.
*Don't weigh myself until Monday and expect to see 85kg. Or else :twisted: LOL

Ok, wish me luck again. I'm gonna need it.
Mic
Waiting for baby #4 to arrive then getting stuck into losing the 25kg that needs to come off!
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Wed Aug 01, 2007 12:45 pm

hey mickey great to see you back :) you sound ready and raring to go. it sucks that you havent been well with the flu and the sudden blackouts and dizziness etc. im glad you took yourself off to the dr. we all know you know how to get back on track and reach the 70's again, its just finding the motivation and sticking to it. you can do it! looking forward to reading your progress.
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Postby MickeyB » Wed Aug 01, 2007 1:45 pm

Thanks Kate, I'm planning on sticking around this time and getting this thing sorted. I've been making a little more progress with my head processes today and getting it all down in my diary just what the problem is and how to overcome it. I thought I would share some of it here because someone might be able to help me sort this out!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm not happy, I'm not fit, I'm certainly not healthy and I'm not at a place where I want to be. I don't really care what final kg mark I settle on, who really cares about numbers when all said and done? But I would like to be classed as healthy by medical professionals and be at or under 75kg. I would like to be in at least size 12 clothes and not have muffin top happening, I would like to take advantage of the $5000 I spent on my body and wear nice clothes instead of hiding away in baggy stuff. How freakin hard does that sound? You'd think I was asking someone to find 50 million dollars and just hand it over, or to stop world hunger, or to kick Georgie Bush out of presidency.

Summer is literally 16 weeks away. I have been procrastinating since the beginning of this year and I don't want it to continue. It's scaring the hell out of me this inability to lose weight and being able to get to a point where I am happy again. It's almost like I don't want myself to be happy. What am I punishing myself for? Why can't I be happy? Ahhhh, now I'm starting to realise what it is that's holding me back. If I really ask myself do I deserve to be happy, I always say no straight away and then talk myself into saying yes. So why?

I don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone - which I know stems from the crap that I've dealt with being fat. I'm not a different person on the inside, yet people treat me so much differently now to then and it really shows how shallow society is. I get so frustrated, and it doesn't matter how I look or feel, someone is still going to see flaws and try to bring me down to make themselves feel better, or even worse, just for the fun of it.

I could be a size 6, skin and bones and someone would still think I was ugly and make judgements about me. I think that's part of why I've given up, whats the point? It's so much hard work and personal sacrifice to get to a point where I'm 'acceptable' on nearly all levels of society and I still get kicked in the face by stupid selfish people. I'm at this weight now and it feels like I'm back at 118kg. People look past me like I don't exist. Most days it feels better to be slightly bigger and fading into the background, instead of being thinner and more confident and sticking out and making myself seen and heard. I'm still trying to get over that 'exposed' feeling of being a lighter/smaller person. i feel like I'm out there for all the world to see and take advantage of, and I don't feel like I'm in control. Hence reverting to comfort binge eating and old habits because they make me feel like I'm in control. I need to re-establish my exercise as my form of control over my situation instead of stuffing my face.

I had negative comments made at me after my tummy surgery that made me feel like censored. It made me feel like even after such a major milestone, 45kg gone, size 10 clothes, and major surgery I was still majorly flawed and ugly. I know that perfection doesn't mean 'absolute perfection' and I wouldn't want it anyway, imperfection is perfection , everyone is unique. But my very new fragile self confidence was shattered when the comments were made and I haven't been the same since. Even though there were 100 positive comments to those very few negative ones, the negatives stuck in my mind and have been eating away at me. I need to realise that I can't please everyone and that I need to start pleasing myself and if people don't like the way I look, when I am happy with myself, then they can go to hell. Who do they think they are anyway, passing judgement on me?

I also feel like hubby thinks that if I'm at a lower weight and taking care of myself and my appearance more that he thinks I'm going to cheat on him, which I would never do. His low self esteem in that area is bringing me down. We have spoken about it and it's almost like he feels its inevitable that I will leave him for someone else. I'm tired of feeling like I have to prove myself all the time. I hate feeling like I have to tread water with every new person I meet and that he's going to fly off the handle at someone if they make a pass at me, or even worse, just stand back and expect me to go running. Maybe I'm keeping myself a little 'fatter' so that he feels better? It would certainly explain why I feel like I'm resenting my life and where it's at the moment. The other week I had some pretty vulgar comments made at me by some guys in the parking lot at work, and I came home and told hubby and he was like 'oh'. Is it wrong to expect that he would be angry on my behalf that someone spoke to me like that? Or am I way off base? I don't know how to get around it in his head that I am not 'out there looking', or trying to get thin so I can go out looking to hook up! Which is what I get thrown at me in joking form, but I know he means it seriously.

When push comes to shove I have to be happy for me, not for anyone else. If I don't believe that I should be happy, then I'm never going to get on this road to a healthier body again.
- - - - - - - - - - - --

Sorry if that's a bit too deep, but I feel so much better getting it out of my head and out in the open.
Mic
Waiting for baby #4 to arrive then getting stuck into losing the 25kg that needs to come off!
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Postby MickeyB » Thu Aug 02, 2007 3:10 pm

Ok, Day one, I'm back, I'm here so that's a start.

I had a big chat with hubby last night about how his attitude was impacting on my attitutude to weight loss. Not that i am trying to shift the blame at all, I know that I only have myself to look at for that, but maybe it's a subconcious trigger of mine to stay a little heavier to avoid that whole conflict of his trust and self esteem issues if I'm at a lower weight. We still didn't reach a solution, he admitted that he does feel like I'm 'more attrative' to other men and therefore getting more attention and that makes him feel distrustful of them and the situation, not me, but that it's something he has to work on, and the only way he can do that is if I do lose the weight again and he just has to learn to deal with it and be happy for me. he doesn't mean anything nasty, he was hurt very badly in a past relationship and he doesn't want to get hurt like that again. I can understand that 100%.

we also had a chat about the negative comments that I recieved from a so called friend after my tummy tuck. I tried to explain that after I had the surgery and could get up and move and see the changes I was so excited, for the first time in my life ever I actually really liked what I could see int he mirror and it was the first time I could say I was happy with my reflection. I wasn't embarrassed about a single thing on my body, even the scars were fine! When my ex-friend came over 2 days after the surgery she made some very nasty comments based on her selfish and jealous attitude and it just brought me right back to square one with the confidence and all I could think about was the flaws that she pointed out. She told me that I wasn't 'done yet' that I still had 'work to do' and that she didn't believe I was 'truly happy'. On top of a lot of other commetns about how she could still see all this flab everywhere. She really needed to direct those comments at herself. I see that now and I think I can see a way out of this downwards spiral I am in and get through it. I look back at pics of me after the op, in size 10 clothes and I think "WTF was she on about! I looked hot" LMAO Now I wish I could be back there and I think that I just need to forget the comments she made and think about the postive ones and that it is worth my time and energy to get myself and my body back on track. Even if I am just going to wreck it again with a pregnancy. I'd rather be lighter and pregnant, then heavy and pregnant and stretch it all even further.

So really big breakthrough day for me yesterday. I got up this morning and went for a walk, been paying for it all day with the chesty cough that's been happening since, but it was worth it, I feel better and I'll be going out again tomorrow. Small steps and I will get there. Aiming for a very small goal of seeing the 79's by the time my horse riding day comes around which is 16th September.
Mic
Waiting for baby #4 to arrive then getting stuck into losing the 25kg that needs to come off!
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Thu Aug 02, 2007 3:25 pm

hey mickey it is really hurtful when people say negative and degrading comments like your ex-friend did. you dont need to have people like that in your life bringing you down. you worked hard to lose the weight and you treated yourself to a tuck to help with your confidence and appearance. good on u! you can get through this, i think its great that you are sitting down and working through the nitty gritty of it all.
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Postby milkyway » Thu Aug 02, 2007 4:47 pm

hi mickey - being honest with yourself and your husband is the best thing you can do right now to set you on the path to losing the last few kilos. I'm glad that you came to the realisation that your friend was just projecting her own self loathing of herself onto you. I am equally pleased that she is now an ex friend :)

All the best - we're here for ya!
Just keep moving! And don't be lazy...
------------------------
SW: 74.3kg - 1/1/09
CW: 71.1kg - 3/5/09
GW 62kg
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Postby MickeyB » Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:02 pm

Thanks for the replies :D And thanks for not thinking I'm a fruit loop LOL I feel heaps better when I put things down on paper (screen) because I read it back to myself 5 or 6 times before sending (I have heaps of typos LOL) and it sinks in just what I've actually said and helps me to realise what it is I'm trying to change.

I feel a lot better since I've stoped speaking to the 'friend' who said all that stuff, I was really blindsided by the whole thing as she was someone who had been losing weight with me and we had been supporting each other from about 100kg or so (she started off 10kg lighter than me). Things only turned sour when her weight loss stalled and I kept going and ended up lighter than her. that was literally the only thing that changed. As the difference between our weights got smaller, the more little hurtful comments would be made. When I passed her then she got outright nasty. It was really hurtful to think that she was only being a friend to me because she knew she could 'out-do' me. Kind of makes me sad because I didn't have a lot of friends when overweight because I shut myself away from it all, and then I start putting myself out there and meeting and making new friends and they still turn out to be hurtful. Can't win em all though.

I feel good today, and I've decided to try a different track and instead of calorie counting I'm going to try and make a concious effort to eat the right thing and smaller amounts and see if i can lose without all the carry on of food diaries and counting calories. I get really bored with it really quickly, I did it for so long anyway, I should know by now whats right and what's not. Aside from that I get too strict with myself when counting, and although it works it's not 'living' and I end up binging out on the weekends because I've gone without during the week. I need to establish my original Everything in Moderation rule again.
Mic
Waiting for baby #4 to arrive then getting stuck into losing the 25kg that needs to come off!
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Postby KimE » Thu Aug 02, 2007 8:26 pm

Definitely not a fruit loop Mickey and you have done so well to get to where you are. Being honest with yourself and those you love is the best way through and having support from your loved ones on this journey can help enormously.

Maintaining weight loss is not easy but the more habits you set up now, habits you can live with for life, then the better off you will be when you get to your goal.
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Thu Aug 02, 2007 9:10 pm

hey mickey it sounds like your friend turned the support you were offering each other into a competition. losing weight isnt a competition and i think thats what her downfall has been. she has lost a great friend in you because she couldnt hack that things were going so well for you. instead of patting you on the back and expressing the pride she had for you and your journey she decided to be nasty about it all. keep your head held high mickey, you have achieved great things :)
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Postby MickeyB » Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:01 pm

Thanks Kim and Kate, it's nice to know that you understand :)

I've had a very busy day today. Been out all morning rushing back and forth. But havent been stupid with eating, so a successul day so far.

I went to the doctors and am pleased to report that my thyroid function is ok, I was stressing out about that so much. My potassium levels are fine too, however my calcium levels are low and I will need to take a calcium and magnesium tablet. My iron was very low. Lower than previous months which is just stupid because I am already on iron supplmemets. I now have to start taking two iron tablets a day, one in the morning and one at night and see how I go. That would explain the extreme tiredness.

The other thing that was of concern was my blood sugar levels, they were too low as well LOL So I've been instructed to eat something sweet/have a piece of fruit or glass of juice whenever I'm feeling fuzzy/weak/dizzy etc. The doctor seems to think that I have managed to pull myself back from being diabetic and now just have a glucose intolerance, but once the endocrinologist diagnoses me as diabetc they won't retract it apparently. But that's ok, at least I know I'm managing it, maybe too well though. None of that will impact on my fertility so I'm just not falling pregnant due to timing or whatever LOL I'm going to laugh so much if I lose the 5kg I want to lose and then fall pregnant.

I went shopping today as well, and the centre has a thing going on Fridays, spend over $30 in a speciality store and you can flip a coin to see if you get the money back. I spent $60 on a pair of new jeans (size 15, when I was an 11 last year :cry: ) but got to flip the coin and won the money back. YAY! Got a few other great bargains as well. Sportsgirl had tons of stuff out for $10+ I got a dress that had been originally $60 for $10. There was another gorgeous dress there that was $10 down from $80 but they only had it in XS, so I couldn't get it. I also bought a hat, I'm not ususally a hat person, but thought I would be a little adventurous and try something new.

I feel like my head is in the right place now, so if I can shed a few kg's before 30days is up then I should be able to take the jeans back and get a new size LOL They're not a tight fit by any means, I could probably get away with a 14, but I wanted them a little bit roomier in case I can't lose weight and need to wear them while I'm bloated. :oops: But I intend to get back to that size 11! I liked it when I could walk into the store and the assistant says 'You'll need a size 10" and I actually do! LMAO

I am feeling better flu wise today, I've lost my voice though and have a horrible cough, but I can live with that. It's so hot up here at the moment, I've gone from trackie daks and jumpers last week to singlet and shorts this week. Hurry up and rain already, I'm sick of this stupid weather!

No strenuous exercise for me today because I can barely breathe without a coughing fit, but I will take the kids for a walk and check out the sports field down the road.

Feeling very good about everything and can't wait to be over this flu (and for hubby to actually stay home in the mornings) so i can get out and exercise.
Mic
Waiting for baby #4 to arrive then getting stuck into losing the 25kg that needs to come off!
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:04 pm

hey mic, sorry werent you and your partner trying to conceive? cos the low iron could be playing a big role in why you arent conceiving. are u on a iron supplement?

sounds like you are having a good day thus far- the coin flip thing is a good idea ;)
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Postby MickeyB » Fri Aug 03, 2007 3:36 pm

No need to apologise ;) we are TTC, just taking it as it comes at the moment trying not to stress out about it too much, plus the fact I want to lose some weight first!

My iron is always low, it's a big pain because normally I take Fefol (iron and folate supplement) and it bounces back up, at the moment I'm taking a pregnancy multi and the Fefol and it's even lower than 2 months ago when i wasn't taking any iron or multi vitamins. It just gets very frustrating.

I checked with the dr about the iron affecting fertility and he said it would have to be a lot lower for it to start being a problem. He said that my periods would stop if my iron got too low as a protective mechanism because my body coulnd't sustain a pregnancy. But he seems to think it's all ok at the moment, I conceived the first two with my iron levels even lower than what they were today. It's the tiredness that gets me, I just feel very run down all the time. Maybe I should start eating more cow. ugh :?

Hoping that the rest of today continues on in a good way!
Mic
Waiting for baby #4 to arrive then getting stuck into losing the 25kg that needs to come off!
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Postby MickeyB » Sat Aug 04, 2007 10:10 am

Well I'm quite happy with myself today after yesterday. No crappy food at all yesterday even with stopping for a coffee, I avoided the cakes. I'm feeling very motivated, I haven't binged out all week, but I've also allowed myself some freedom with foods and I'm feeling better for it. I was so stressed out about gaining weight and not being able to maintain, I hadn't set myself up properly for sitting still at one weight because I'd done nothing but lose for 2 years, so this has been the learning curve and I'm now very confident that I can maintain and that I do have control over my eating and exercise and that when I see the 70's again i will be fine.

I am still very bloated (strange as it sounds I think it's from this flu as my mum is choked up with it and has been complaining of bloat as well), and I think it's holding up some of the potential weight loss from this week. On the positive side though my face has finally started to clear up so I know that something is working. Official weigh day is Monday and I will be starting to kick up more of a stink with hubby if I can't get out and exercise. So there will be weight loss from there hopefully. This weekend is going to be a good one with food, we're watching movies which is normally my nibble time, but I'm just going to have some fruit and a coke zero and be happy with that. No need for chips.

I am a little annoyed at hubby who has gone out working yet again this morning, knowing full well that my Body Balance class is on at 10am and I hate missing it. I also missed my usual Saturday walk to get the paper because i had to reschedule a chiro appointment that I couldn't get to yesterday because he wasn't home. So we'll have to go for a walk this arvo, or I might even take the bike out for a spin, dust all the cobwebs off it first :)

I've also decided to just go ahead and treat myself and order Lite N Easy for a month with some of my tax return. It's something I've always wanted to try out because I know I can lose weight on a 1200 cal plan, I just get bored with working it all out and trying to make different meals all the time, I dont' have the time with two kids to do all of that. i also know that after a month of being on that, that there is no way I'll be at the same weight I am now and I'll be even more motivated and feeling better about myself to want to stick with this.

I'm still building my motivation to exercise with this flu hanging around and it's definately coming back, so this weight is going to come off and stay off. No stuffing around this time.
Mic
Waiting for baby #4 to arrive then getting stuck into losing the 25kg that needs to come off!
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Postby KimE » Sat Aug 04, 2007 10:50 am

Stick with it Mickey.

I did lite n easy for 5 months and then based my eating plan on what they do to lose the remaining amount I wanted on my own. Even now on maintenance I still use it as a basis so once you get into a routine it's not hard to work out what to have each day. You could actually write up a weeks plan and simply repeat every week or write it up for 2 weeks and rotate depending on how much of a variety you want. Lite n easy helped me to understand what portion control really is. Good luck with that.

I too take iron tablets but take ferro-gradumet which is a dedicated iron tablet without any other stuff in it, although you can get the same tablet with Vitamin C to aid the absorption of iron into the body. I have a history of iron stores getting low so I take the tablets regularly. When I was first diagnosed with this due to not being accepted at the blood bank as my haemoglobin count was too low (mildly aenemic) it lead to finding a large ovarian cyst (20cm) which was subsequently removed. The blood bank sent me a letter suggesting I see the doc with results from tests they did on the blood as they had taken a sample when the count was low. I am never sure if that was causing the low iron stores or not as it all happened around the same time and so in my mind I have linked one to the other.
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