Hey lovely people …..thanks for the concern and comments, you are all so sweet!
A follow up from the sales assistant: I wrote a formal complaint about the incident. She (the sales assistant) claims that I asked her to help select clothes and that she had to unfortunately inform me that their store does not carry the size that would fit me. The response was bulls@@t! The sales assistant lied! UGH!
Today, I realised I am unhappy. I reached goal weight (57kgs) today. I don’t feel any different, I don’t think I look different, I still feel like the fattest person in the room. Somehow I thought hitting goal would be different. To make matters worse, I was called fat today… I think it was a joke but I really don’t find it funny! I was chatting to this woman at the gym whom I don’t really like but she said hello so I had to be polite. Anyway, she was telling me that she loves squats….. I said, ‘oh, I hate squats but I do them’. She tapped me on the side of the arm and said, ‘oh you fat, lazy gal!’. She laughed. I really just wish people would leave out the word ‘fat’ when they describe me.
I sat outside the gym and the thoughts of all the people that constantly informed me that I was fat and I would have a no chance of meeting a guy due to my weight swan around in my head. I look at these people now and most of them have weight problems themselves now and now call me vain for calorie counting and going to the gym. Life’s weird….. the 2 years it took me to lose weight, they gained weight….first they call me fat (as if I did not know it), then I do something about it and they put on weight (they blame aging) and I lose weight and I am called vain. It really messed with my head being told I was no good enough for anything cause of my weight! I highly doubt I am the only person to feel this.
It’s a strange day today….my emotions seem to be everywhere and I thought I would feel differently when this day finally came around…… I am feeling sorry for myself, I just don’t know what the pay off is for doing it! Everyone has their feelings hurt, I am no different and other people just get on with it but I for some reason tend to hold onto my feelings and constantly relive them…. What’s wrong with me? No…don’t answer that LOL!
I keep playing two situations over and over in my head….. I had reached 70 kgs (so it was a fair while ago). I saw this couple I had not seen for ages…. At the time I had lost about 25kgs. Of course, they commented on my weight. Then the gal asked me to jump on the scales, I weighed in at 70kgs and she weighed in at 60kgs. She telephoned me about 2 weeks later and rubbed it in my face that she weighed less. Fast forward ….years later (it wasn’t that long ago), I saw her and she was overweight and I was about 58.5kgs. I never said anything about her weight Why are some women so competitive and cruel to other women about weight? Or am I just too sensitive?
The second situation….. When the guy dumped me and called me genetically inferior compared to the woman he met. I wasn’t trying to convince him to stay, he just said it. I was angry and hurt for so long after that…I spoke many men about this issue and tried to get a male’s perspective. Most males said the same thing: looks DO matter, weight DOES matter. As I look around me, I am not jealous of supermodels or famous women who are skinny, rich and beautiful….. I am jealous of all those women who have a partner who loves them for who they are, a partner that does not care about weight and so forth. I am jealous I never found that….. Jealous but happy for those people..
I don’t even know why I am writing this…..I think the main purpose is to try and figure it all out!
Anyway, thanks for reading my rant!