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What Do You Think Builds Trust?

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What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby loveat116 » Fri Feb 01, 2008 9:47 am

What do you think builds trust in a relationship?

Im finding it very difficult to trust people after I split with my boyfriend a couple of months ago. All he did was lie to me, and said I 'deserved it', he thought telling me the truth would just cause trouble. How stupid is that? If you don't want to cause trouble dont do the bad thing in the first place!

i think the key to trust is honesty. I want my next boyfriend and I to be completly open with eachother, if he is then i don't think I would ever question where he is or what he's doing.

Do you guys think that you should be completly open with your partner, or do you think you should have some privacy and keep certain things from him.

Im really getting to like this guy, I really want to trust him but my brain just wont do it. Its amazing what past relationships can do to your present lives.
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby ali76 » Fri Feb 01, 2008 11:05 am

I know exactly how you feel...my ex boyfriend cheated on me and got the other girl pregnant with twins!! Even after he knew she was pregnant, he was seeing us both for months...anyway!!

What you need to remember is that all people are different.

It took me YEARS to get over being cheated on, but I'm now with the most beautiful man. It was hard at first but I learnt that if I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt, I'd push him away with MY insecurities and it would be another dose of pain that I'd let my ex deal me. Does that make sense? Don't let this new guy pay for the pain someone else caused you.

Hope this helped a little?!

Good luck....and let yourself be happy! :P

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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby oostevens » Fri Feb 01, 2008 11:10 am

I believe in honesty. I believe in talking things through, no matter how tough they seem or bad they are.

When I started dating my now husband I went through a patch when I wasn't sure I should be with him and I started freaking out. I ended up telling him how i was feeling and my thoughts. After that chat to him, things got better. It was just great to know that I can tell him stuff like that and that we can talk through it.

I think that hiding things can cause big probs, as you noticed with your ex. I still believe communication is a big big big thing! And it helps hold a relationship together. Ryan and I chat about everything, we communicate when we are not happy with things and it just makes us stronger.

The only time you should keep a secret :p is if its a surprise or present :p

Hmmm, I spose there is a diff between lying and just not saying. Like if you saw a dog get hit by a car, and your friend/partner asked if the dog was ok, and you knew they loved animals and were sensitive to all that, would you tell them it was killed? Or would you save them that hurt. I know my husband would save me from being hurt, and thats cos he loves me. But sometimes those kinda things need to be told.

Maybe its something you and this guy could talk about, just in general. Like how he feels about honesty and trust. Maybe you could tell him its something you value alot and how it has hurt you in the past. Maybe its something he needs to know, not just as a potential bf but as a friend as well.

Sorry if that seems confusing :p
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby loveat116 » Fri Feb 01, 2008 11:21 am

Thanks Guys!

Its just now I can't trust my instinct, cause it was so wrong in my past relationship (or was right? Who knows if he lied about not being with other girls too?).

Argh... im just confused. This guy has screwed up my life, he has made me feel worthless, and makes me feel like I don't even deserve something like honesty. I just keep thinking I will be happier alone cause then i can never get hurt.

I guess I have lost faith in the male race haha! But seriously, are there any decent ones out there? Or should I start looking at an older demographic, all nineteen/twenty year old guys I know are wanks.
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby EvilWombatQueen » Fri Feb 01, 2008 12:01 pm

This is going to sound like a very clinical answer, but I think trust lies in the ability to predict your partner's actions and know they will cause no harm. If someone has a history of lying then there is no way you can predict what they will or won't do so there's no basis for trust. The best tool in developing trust is time because usually you can predict future actions by looking at past actions. If he has never cheated before then it's a relatively safe bet he won't cheat in the future. And that's where you have to treat each person as an individual. You cannot predict one person's future actions by the past actions of a completely different person! Just because your ex lied to you it doesn't mean your current or future partner will lie to you as well. Of course experience will tell you what sign to look for to see if they are lying or cheating. If you see those signs you are not being paranoid in paying attention to them, and if he has any degree of emotional sensitivity he won't dismiss your concerns.

Is honesty a requirement for trust? To an extent. If I ask if my arse looks big I don't want an honest answer, though. And I don't really appreciate him volunteering information about his ex-girlfriends. Sure, he's being honest in telling me about his previous relationships but that just tells me that he still thinks about them, which I don't want to know. There's a big grey area between 'total lying' and 'total honesty' and it's just a matter of finding the space you're happy operating in.

As to whether you should go for older guys, in my experience (and according to some older men I've spoken to about this) older guys are more reliable... but I'm speaking as an older woman. As my fiance said "Men hit 30 and suddenly turn into human beings". They have their sh1t together a bit more and are more aware of other people's needs. However, in many instances they are looking to settle down. This can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on what you're looking for. They can be quite dull for young people who are looking to go clubbing all the time and aren't quite ready for the mortgage and kids yet. I would have gone mental dating an older man in my youth. And there are trustworthy men out there in their early 20s. Don't give up on all of them!
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby oostevens » Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:22 pm

Hubby is 5yrs older than me and I love that. He is much more mature and doesnt stuff around. He is still heaps fun but he is not as silly and is more caring and yes he is great :) I prefer older guys :) Their maturity levels are closer to ours that way :p
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby bferbear » Fri Feb 01, 2008 6:35 pm

Speaking from the perspective of a man who hit 30 and suddenly turned into a human being, most problems are caused by the fact that to the majority of women in relationships censored is 50% physical and 50% emotional, whilst to the bulk of men, censored is 100% physical. It is the casual disregard of the emotional relationship that hurts women when their partner cheats, whilst he cannot understand why the matter cant just be chalked up as a bad idea and forgotten (hell he can't even remember her name anyway)

The bulk of my friends have cheated on their wives/partners. The whole "what goes on tour, stays on tour" mantra is taught from early teens to any male who is a member of a sporting club. I am not saying it is right, far from it, but it happens. Most of their wives have to know what is happening, most choose to pretend it hasnt happened. I suppose they rationalise it to themselves by doing a list of pros and cons. If the only major con is that he occasional shags some totally anonymous random slapper in another town, then they can live with it.

I can understand you are hurting and feeling gunshy, but the bottom line is that to love is to open yourself up to being hurt.
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby Fireball » Fri Feb 01, 2008 8:46 pm

sorry bferbear I dont agree that they pretend it didn't happen. They probably are trying to trust their partners and hope that they are loyal enough to not sleep with the slapper!
I think there are 2 parts to trust. 1. You being prepared to be open to trust another person or not. 2. Them being trustworthy or not. As the Evil Queen said, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. If you are prepared to trust a person and dont jump on them about everything it is easier for them to be honest. A lot of things in life are negotaible and a person may have a little different idea than you about what is acceptable/appropriate behaviour. Discuss things so you know where each other stands as that can save a lot of misunderstanding. If there is something you can't abide by make sure it is clear that it is a "deal breaker". (Thanks for that descriptor Dr Phil). The right man can be any age and the wrong one any age.
If you are worried about a partner being faithful? The best indicators are: Has he been faithful in the past? Is his father faithful? Like father like son.
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby NewMe » Fri Feb 01, 2008 9:54 pm

I think you have to be prepared to be as honest as possible. Perhaps how honest you are in a relationship can be negotiated. e.g. discuss that you don't / do want to knoow about his past relationships, misdeeds etc. Make it clear if you do/do not want him to "spare your feelings' so lying in some cases are ok or not.

IMO NO lying is aceptable, but that may be due to my personal history of being used and abused by different men throughout my life. I never spare feelings either, although I do try and be a people pleaser at times. If I don't want to lie but can't say something that will not be taken nicely, then I choose not to comment. That way I am not lying.

Mind you I do think lying by ommission is just as bad as the person is not only lying but practising decit by keeping information from you.

Anyway I guess it is hard to do but as Fireball said you do need to be approachable so that men feel they can tell you things without you going off your head (not that you do!!). In the end you can only try and open yourself up to the new man as much as possible and explain your dilemma to him so he understands why you act or think the way you do about him/the relationship.

Good luck. They aren't all censored out there!!
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby electrongirl » Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:07 am

I myself believe in total open honesty.

My last relationship was a sea of lies. He was very domineering and made me feel very inferior. He wouldn't so much lie to me, he just wouldn't tell me anything. He controlled everything: money, the car etc.

So to have some sort of control I got credit cards and bought things in secret. I got myself into quite bad debt. It was my form of therapy. I felt like I was getting back at him. How stupid was that!!

After 6 years I finally grew a spine and we broke up.

When I first started my relationship with my husband, he was in the USA and I was here in Australia. From the get go I told him I wanted 100% complete honesty. We never hid anything from each other. There were times when we heard things we didn't like but we appreciated the strength we had to let those things out into the open.

If I do something wrong or buy something I shouldn't, I tell him.

We never fight. We have no secrets. I love it.
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby electrongirl » Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:10 am

NewMe wrote:I think you have to be prepared to be as honest as possible. Perhaps how honest you are in a relationship can be negotiated. e.g. discuss that you don't / do want to knoow about his past relationships, misdeeds etc. Make it clear if you do/do not want him to "spare your feelings' so lying in some cases are ok or not.

IMO NO lying is aceptable, but that may be due to my personal history of being used and abused by different men throughout my life. I never spare feelings either, although I do try and be a people pleaser at times. If I don't want to lie but can't say something that will not be taken nicely, then I choose not to comment. That way I am not lying.

Mind you I do think lying by ommission is just as bad as the person is not only lying but practising decit by keeping information from you.

Anyway I guess it is hard to do but as Fireball said you do need to be approachable so that men feel they can tell you things without you going off your head (not that you do!!). In the end you can only try and open yourself up to the new man as much as possible and explain your dilemma to him so he understands why you act or think the way you do about him/the relationship.

Good luck. They aren't all censored out there!!


I'm the same. I will always give my honest opinion on something if asked, but if I think I might offend the person I simply say "I could answer that, but I don't think i should."
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby EvilWombatQueen » Sat Feb 02, 2008 12:43 pm

Bfer, maybe you could send Loveat116 a list of all your friends. That way she'll know the ones to avoid! Believe it or not fidelity is crucial to most people in relationships. The wives who are being cheated on most likely don't turn a blind eye. They probably have no idea whatsoever and actually trust their partners. The fact that that trust is being betrayed regularly and with no regard to their feelings is quite reprehensible. If those women honestly didn't care if their partners cheated why does the fact of the betrayal have to 'stay on tour' after all? I think your mates are trying to justify their actions it to themselves. If they're lucky their wives will never find out and they'll never have to cope with reality. If their wives are lucky they will find out and they'll go and find a better partner!

Of course maybe the wives have their own 'bit on the side' so it all balances out. I'm sure your friends would be fine with that if they don't see cheating as such a big deal. :wink:
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby bferbear » Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:24 pm

I wasn't condoning the actions of the cheaters, rather I was highlighting the fact that men who have been on an away trip with their friends have either cheated, or witnessed their friends cheating. Any bloke who denies this is one of the ones who cheated.
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby bferbear » Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:25 pm

LOL, as to the wives having a bit on the side I made a joke about that with one of my friends the other day, then called him a hypocrite when he got upset.
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Re: What Do You Think Builds Trust?

Postby EvilWombatQueen » Sat Feb 02, 2008 2:05 pm

Sorry, I wasn't accusing you of condoning what your mates did. I was just a bit miffed when you said that their wives were aware of what was going on and didn't mind.

I think the best advice for Loveat116 might be "avoid sportsmen"! Oh, and rock musicians. They're notorious for it as well.
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