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I need some advice

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I need some advice

Postby Sassygirl » Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:18 pm

OK here goes ....

my mother and father in law are fighting (quite bad at the moment) and they are not talking. The problem I am having is that my MIL comes over and talks about FIL and how much she has had enough etc etc. It is making me really uncomfortable because I don't know what to say to her when she says these things. I don't want her to feel that I am siding with him and vice versa. My FIL came over to see my husband last night and we sat outside and he poured his heart out to me about what is going on with them. He says that he has done nothing wrong. I feel that I am being pulled in two different directions and they are not even my parents because then she rings up thismorning wanting to know what was said last night. I wanted to stay out of it so I said that I stayed inside and watched TV and let the guys talk outside. Arggggggg

What do I do? This is really upsetting me because I love them both and I miss the fun times we have had (everything is so serious now).

My FIL said that if they do separate then he wants me to take her side becuase she doesn't have many friends - but I want to stay neutral.

I am so confused because I don't want to hurt anyone or my relationship with either of them.

And to make matters worse my children are getting upset at the possibility of them splitting up.

Hope this makes sense ....... I just needed to vent.

Michelle
2008 - my year to be great!!





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Re: I need some advice

Postby Jodie91 » Wed Feb 06, 2008 8:29 pm

Thats a bad situation to be in. Feel for you.
However it is also bad that they are putting you in this situation. How would they take it if you told them outright that you felt uncomfortable being putin this situation and that you dont want to take sides? Guess that all depends on how they are feeling at the time really. anyways that would be my suggestion - to talk to them.
Good luck with it
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Re: I need some advice

Postby ali76 » Thu Feb 07, 2008 11:18 am

Hi Michelle,

I'm with Jodie...I think it's terribly mean for them to put you in the middle. I'm in the same position with my sister (43) and niece (18) who fight like cat and dog. My sister asks me to 'talk' to my niece - in other words try to make her do what my sister wants, but my niece confides things in me that she doesn't want my sister to know! Every time my niece and I have a conversation my sister wants to know what was said....gggrrrr.... :evil:

I know this advice is easy to give - esp since I can't take it myself, but you need to tell them that you're uncomfortable being in the middle, that you're happy to listen to them but will not take sides! Maybe your hubby could talk to them if you can't??

Good luck hun...let us know how you're going...

xo
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Re: I need some advice

Postby EvilWombatQueen » Thu Feb 07, 2008 12:06 pm

I agree with Ali and Jodie. Let them know that you feel uncomfortable about being put in the middle of the situation. Tell them that while you sympathise with their individual positions you love them both dearly and don't want to take sides. Make it clear to your FIL that while he is being very kind in telling you to take your MIL's side should a separation occur that you want to remain on good terms with both of them and that it's important that your children have a relationship with both grandparents.

Which leads me to another point - are your children hearing any of these conversations? If so you need to ban any negative talk by your FIL or MIL from your house. Children shouldn't have to see one grandparent slag off another.

I think the most important thing is to make sure they don't disparage one another in your presence. Complaining about behaviour is one thing, calling someone derogatory names is another. I'm not sure if that's happening, but it can inflame tensions if it does and it's the first thing that needs to be stopped. Any time either party calls their spouse a horrible name gently tell them that you don't want them speaking disrespectfully about your family member and that you hold the other party to the same rule.

Any time your MIL asks you what your FIL has said calmly and gently tell her that she really needs to talk to him herself. Tell her that nothing bad was said and that he was very respectful, but you cannot act as go-between for the two of them.
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Re: I need some advice

Postby grugwashere » Thu Feb 07, 2008 3:29 pm

That sounds like a really tough situation that you have been put in :(
Maybe next time either of them asks you whose side you are on, or what happened etc just tell them you dont feel its appropriate to take sides as you care about them both very much and that it wouldnt set a good example for your children to do so. Could you get your hubby to talk to them?

sorry i am no good at advice lol
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Re: I need some advice

Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Fri Feb 08, 2008 12:45 pm

EvilWombatQueen wrote:I agree with Ali and Jodie. Let them know that you feel uncomfortable about being put in the middle of the situation. Tell them that while you sympathise with their individual positions you love them both dearly and don't want to take sides. Make it clear to your FIL that while he is being very kind in telling you to take your MIL's side should a separation occur that you want to remain on good terms with both of them and that it's important that your children have a relationship with both grandparents.

Which leads me to another point - are your children hearing any of these conversations? If so you need to ban any negative talk by your FIL or MIL from your house. Children shouldn't have to see one grandparent slag off another.

I think the most important thing is to make sure they don't disparage one another in your presence. Complaining about behaviour is one thing, calling someone derogatory names is another. I'm not sure if that's happening, but it can inflame tensions if it does and it's the first thing that needs to be stopped. Any time either party calls their spouse a horrible name gently tell them that you don't want them speaking disrespectfully about your family member and that you hold the other party to the same rule.

Any time your MIL asks you what your FIL has said calmly and gently tell her that she really needs to talk to him herself. Tell her that nothing bad was said and that he was very respectful, but you cannot act as go-between for the two of them.


Ditto. Kids pick up these things, even if they aren't fully hearing the conversations. If they're mentioning things, it might be an idea to ask them how they're feeling and talk with them (at their level) about the fact that sometimes adults get upset with one another and that sometimes they say nasty things and bad things happen but that it's not their fault if grandma and granddad are angry at each other (kids are great at taking the blame for things). If it's really affecting their behaviour and you think it's badly affecting them beyond what you feel can deal with, it might be an idea to let them talk with a family relationships counsellor who works with kids.

If I were in your position, firstly I'd hate it too, and secondly, I'd be inclined to interrupt them when the slagging starts and say something like "sounds like this is really getting you angry. I can understand this is a difficult time, for both of you, and I'm happy to be here for you, but I'm not a professional with things like this and I don't feel comfortable taking sides or giving you advice. Maybe you need to talk to a relationships counsellor?"

good luck with it.
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