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To divorce of not to divorce

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To divorce of not to divorce

Postby Mummy84 » Sun Feb 22, 2009 1:09 am

I have been marriage for 3 yrs now and have a 14month old, my husband and i argue almost everyday, i find it really hard to be around him, i dont think i am in love with him anymore, he irritates me. i guess i should start from the begining...

I was always ready to have kids but never even mentioned it to him cos i wanted him to be ready and mention it to me first so when he did i waited 3 months to have test and ensure i was all healthy, and also to make sure he was ready, there definatly were things he needed to stop b4 we brought a child into this world. i asked him for 3 months if this was wat he wanted and he assured me it was. i wanted him to stop taking drugs, he needed to be with his family, that we needed to save money and that he needed to be more responsible. which he did until i fell pregnant, when i was 7months pregnant, he went out with his mates for a birthday (to a strip club) which he lied to me about, then he came home and we got into an arguement as he said he was going to be home at around 11 but didnt come home until 5am, he wasnt answerin his phone and would only msg me to tell me to relax, when we got into an arguement he left which was about 5.30am he didnt want to answe his phone and didnt come home until 9pm the next night. (i knew where he was tho) but he wasnt the one to tell me, he just kept ignoring me (mind u im well into my pregnancy and shouldnt have to be going thru this) after we talked about it we were fine. after the little one was born, he was a great father (and dont get me wrong he loves his kid) but has decided that he doesnt want to give up his life style and continues to do things his way, we argue all the time and its come to a point where i dont want to be around him, im always angry at him cos of the things he promised and never did and because of what he has put me thru, the stress i went thru while pregnant was undescirbable. we have censored once a month, but i am not attracted to him anymore, i feel like we both do it cos there is no one else. he never spends time with me nor his kid, he works fulltime and plays sport so by the time he gets home its well past the lil ones bed time. i do everything around the house, (gardening, washing, cooking, cleaning, even finding his clothes b4 we have to go somewhere) and most importantly im the only one looking after our child and i work 3 days a week, he rarely baths him, feeds him or changes him, and when i do ask him to do it, he acts like he shouldnt have to. we have discussed our problems and i can see with some things he is trying, i.e he isnt going out as much,. but wats the point if even when he is at home he sits on the couch and watches tv. its too hard for him to even look after the lil one while he is watching tv,. i dont understnd why he is like this he loves his kid and doesnt want to get divorced cos he says he cares about me and doesnt want to lose his child, he feels that even tho he doesnt see him all the time he knows he is only in the next room. im so confused and dont know what to do, its not fair my son that he grows up in an unhealthy enviroment, he argue every few days and once a week we have a screaming match.. it has got physical and i feel like an idiot for letting him do this to me, he is such a good person but i dont think he is a good person to me, its like there are 2 of him, the kind careing person he can be and the complete phyco who acts the way he does when we argue.. i think the best thing to do would be to get a divorce but its sooooo hard to make that decision even tho i think it would b best for everyone involved. we have been together for 8 yrs and he is not the same person a married he has become someone who just doesnt seem to care anymore, and im getting to that point too.. i just want someon who appriciates me and who is there for me, and i am not getting that from him. :cry:

what do i do i am sooooo lost and really need some advice or any feedback from anyone plsssss.....
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Re: To divorce of not to divorce

Postby electrongirl » Sun Feb 22, 2009 9:43 am

I am going to be completely honest and brutal.

I don't think its a very healthy relationship especially with a child.

Do you want your child to grow up seeing this?

Also you mentioned it has now gotten physical. That would be the final straw to me.

Put yourself and your child first.

Divorce is not easy but think about how your life will be afterwards. I'm sure it can't get much worse than it is now.

I wasted 6 years with a man who treated me terribly and luckily there were no children, but it still took me too long to wake up to myself.
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Re: To divorce of not to divorce

Postby dotflower » Sun Feb 22, 2009 9:47 am

Hi Mummy84,
I really feel for you. I stayed with my ex-husband for 4 more years before I finally realised that I had to get out. I left him and finally divorced him. The longer you stay, the more you are abused (usually emotionally). If he has started physically abusing you, you definitely need to end the marriage, because he won't change. He sounds like an incredibly selfish person and it sounds like he has no respect for you. I know it's not fair, but some relationships unfortunately evolve to this. Ask yourself this question, if you won a few million dollars in Lotto tomorrow, would you stay with him? If you answer "yes" then it might be worthwhile booking in to see a counselor at Relationships Australia to see if the marriage can be saved, otherwise, if you answered "no", then it probably means you are staying with him for financial security. There may be ways to "fix" your relationship if 1) you are both still in love and 2) if he's willing to go to counselling, otherwise you will be better off leaving and taking your little one with you. As you already work 3 days a week, you would be entitled to the Sole Parent pension as well as FTB part A and B. If you rent somewhere and are receiving a pension, you would also be entitled to Rent Assistance. I am currently on my own and surviving well with two children and working. So it can be done. You deserve to be respected and loved. Honestly, he has NO intention of ever changing, leave now and give yourself a chance to rebuild your confidence so that you can either stay on your own with your child, or maybe down the track meet a loving, caring person to start another relationship with. But please, if you form a relationship with someone else, please always put your child's health and welfare first. All the best.
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Re: To divorce of not to divorce

Postby EvilWombatQueen » Sun Feb 22, 2009 11:37 am

Mummy84 wrote:it has got physical


To be honest, that's all you needed to write. Get out. You should not stay in a relationship that involves physical violence EVER.

As to the rest: you are already a single parent. You're the one doing all the parenting in the house. He claims to love his child, but actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words. If you leave him you'll still be doing all the work, but without the added stress of constant arguments. And maybe by only seeing his child on weekends he'll realise that quality time is far more important than sitting in the next room watching the telly.
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Re: To divorce of not to divorce

Postby Mummy84 » Sun Feb 22, 2009 1:29 pm

Thanks heaps guys for ur advice.... i think i have alot of thinking to do.. i feel like my head will explode very soon :)
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Re: To divorce of not to divorce

Postby Shalimar » Sun Feb 22, 2009 3:01 pm

I'm not very good at advice but I wish you all the best in whatever you decide :) .
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Re: To divorce of not to divorce

Postby Gordz » Sun Feb 22, 2009 4:31 pm

i'm standing with EWQ on this one.

As soon as a guy lays an angry finger on you, it's time to go. good luck with it all though, be strong.

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Re: To divorce of not to divorce

Postby Alexandra » Fri Mar 06, 2009 10:08 am

I've just come across this post otherwise I would have replied sooner. It's very important that you take care of yourself and your child. I don't believe you should stay - if not for your sake, for your child's. The reality of the matter is however, that it's really hard to leave. I know, my husband and I just separated a few weeks ago. He could be controlling and manipulative.

The best thing to do is to have a plan - a detailed plan. Decide where you are going to go, a friends place, a family members place. Pack some belongings for you and your child, your documents like your passport etc, and the things you can't part with (like jewellery passed down etc). Have some money and your credit card(s) stashed away (open a new one in your own name), etc and put them in the car and drive them to the place you are going to stay.

I know it sounds drastic and you might not need this plan but its good to have one. If you feel you can rationally discuss a break up with him and he agrees and you go your separate ways, great. But, if you need to leave and he doesn't want that, you may need such a plan.

Good luck with what ever you need to do and take care. I know what you are going through. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Best wishes, Alexandra
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Re: To divorce of not to divorce

Postby kristal » Tue Mar 17, 2009 5:14 pm

EvilWombatQueen wrote:
Mummy84 wrote:it has got physical


To be honest, that's all you needed to write. Get out. You should not stay in a relationship that involves physical violence EVER.

As to the rest: you are already a single parent. You're the one doing all the parenting in the house. He claims to love his child, but actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words. If you leave him you'll still be doing all the work, but without the added stress of constant arguments. And maybe by only seeing his child on weekends he'll realise that quality time is far more important than sitting in the next room watching the telly.


Completely agree with all of the above. Get out now.
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Re: To divorce of not to divorce

Postby MissSonia » Wed Mar 18, 2009 1:17 am

My parents were very similar to you and your husband and as the child living through it, I can tell you it's never a good thing to stay together "for the child" as many seem to do. So it's definitely the best decision for both yourself and your child to get out. Good luck with everything.
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Re: To divorce of not to divorce

Postby whit3tig3y » Thu Mar 19, 2009 10:14 am

I know i'll probably get a lashing for this.. but i've been there.. and i know its hard. I still felt something, and I knew he did too. We would have really bad arguments, it would get physical also, but i stayed. But I did take steps to protect myself, to help and to fix the situation. We're now engaged, things are getting ALOT better, he's had help, we still argue, we still have bad ones. Everyone argues. But he can walk away. Actually he does it better than I do now. I always need the last word (bad habit) and he'll just let me, and walk away. And that is that. It gets talked about calmly later.

There are a few things you can do, or try, or talk about first that might make it easier on you if you do decide to leave.

If you don't love him anymore, leave. These are only applicable if you still love him. If your only with him for the childs sake then its healthier you leave. But if you still love him....

Stay with some family. Leave, but dont end things. Tell him he needs to get his act together.

Talk to him about getting some coucelling.

Go to some councelling together.

If he's taking drugs still that could play a major part in the aggression and the withdrawl.

Or if he has stopped taking them, that could play a part also. (have experience there too).

Go see someone yourself, if you know you don't love him but are finding it hard to leave, you may have battered wife syndrome. There is such a thing and it is dangerous.

I'm going to say this, but please, read everything I say and think about the WHOLE sentance. Not just the first half.......

Some people CAN change, people think they cant, but they can, but that doesn't mean they will.

And an old saying: you don't know what you've got until its gone. Sometimes thats all they need to think to get their act together.

But please, be careful. Don't let the physical abuse continue. Leave the house if you have to. But if your hearts still there, atleast try. If your hearts not, leave.
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