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Am I just being selfish????

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Am I just being selfish????

Postby Vegetable » Sun Apr 01, 2007 2:43 pm

Hi everyone
I havent posted for the last few days, I have been all over the place... ok Looooong story sorry
I grew up next to a boy that I just feel in love with at 4 years old. He was my best friend, we grew up together, from playing in the sandpit, to playing basketball and having water fights, to having sleepovers and watching horror movies, to going on dates and eventually at 15, we got together. I absolutely adored him. I can honestly say that even now as an adult, he is the only person I have ever truly loved with all of my heart and soul.. I really thought that he was my soulmate. Anyway, although I felt this way at 15, I broke it off with him even though I loved him so much. I think I was scared of what I was feeling with him, so I broke up with him. I went on the rebound and fell pregnant with my son within a few months (the father of my son has no contact with either my son or me, he was the typical train wreck rebound guy, and was far too immature for being a father) anyway, the guy that I loved must have been so hurt that I was pregnant, although he never told me so. Within a few weeks, he took longer to reply to messages and answer my calls, he got busy, etc. We never officially fell out (having a fight or anything) but we just drifted apart.
When my son was a few months old, I tried to get to know him again. I apologised for my behaviour, he accepted, but the relationship was never the same, it was kind of forced and uncomfortable. We drifted apart again. I have seen him around, every few months or so, but thats it.
I have always had it in the back of my mind that I would lose the weight, feel better about myself, find him and hopefully rekindle something and live happily ever after.... I really thought this was the guy I was going to marry... anyway, I have farted around for the last 5 years with my eating and weight, and waiting until everything was "perfect" in my life before I contact him. I have hidden away and not really lived my life (I have only one good friend who lives interstate, I dont go out much at all, Sahm and I think I have lost myself) My mum told me yesterday that he is expecting his first child. When she said that I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Even now, I have the urge to vomit when I think about it. I cried myself to sleep for the last few nights too...
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Postby Vegetable » Sun Apr 01, 2007 2:43 pm

babies are a blesssing, I say it all the time... Im glad he is happy, but I wanted him to be happy with me. I am in two minds about it. One, is that I have wasted the last 5 years of my life dreaming about what could be. 2 is that its almost like I have been set free.... maybe this is an opportunity to accept that its NEVER going to happen and that I need to make things happen (eg moving house, going back to work, finding someone to love, etc) Should I be happy for him? Is it ok that I want to puke? Or should I just get over it??? Now, in retrospect, maybe I have been using him as an excuse not to get out their and live my life.... All thats in my head is the song by justin timberlake "what goes around comes back around" is this karma for how I made him feel at 15? God, any advice would be great, I feel gross.... xxxxx
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Postby Vegetable » Sun Apr 01, 2007 2:46 pm

I jsut want to add as well that I keep thinking what if? what if I contacted him a few years ago? what if I had not behaved as I did all those years ago/ what if what if? god its horrible. I also have eaten half a block of chocolate today, I have thrown the rest away now, and i feel sick but Im starting over right now....
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Postby Dee » Sun Apr 01, 2007 2:50 pm

I rahter suspect that this is not a realtionship that will actually work for you. After all you did say that when you rekindled the friendship it wasn't really there for you. Is it possibe that rather than being the love of your life, he's actually simply your first love...

First loves really aresomething special, but you shouldn't let that stop you from seeking new love. When you find the right guy it will simply click for you. And it wont have anything to do with your weight.

Good luck, I hope that you can move forward from this. I think that the feeling like you've been sucker-punched comes from finding out that it's time to move on...
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Postby yummymummy » Sun Apr 01, 2007 2:54 pm

Oh sweetie this must be very hard for you to deal with; I really havent got alot of advice for you but hang in there & dont turn to food for comfort it wont help but make you feel worse,
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Sun Apr 01, 2007 2:58 pm

hi amy

firstly you didnt need to apologise to him for what had happened in your past with your pregnancy and so on. if you didnt end up with the other guy you wouldnt have your son, and the boy next door should have realised that you are a mother first and foremost. he will probably come to that realisation when the baby comes along. so yeah... dont apologise- no regrets mate!

its sad that you guys didnt end up happily ever after, sometimes you just imagine these things happening and when they dont you end up very disappointed as your hopes have been given up. been there mate i know.

however i think you are destined for far better things in your life. if he wanted to be with you then i think he wouldve made the effort. he has obviously moved on and i know how hard it is to accept that. get yourself out there and dont become a hermit. someone out there will lvoe you for you and your son like his own and will acept whatever happened in your past because that has made you who you are. good on you for throwing the rest of the block of chocolate away.
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Postby Chelle » Sun Apr 01, 2007 5:05 pm

Wow, There are alwalys going to be what if's in life. Don't dwell on the past look to your future you have a little boy out of this, & he is your number one piroty, go out & look for somone that will love you both, as much as you have regreats you need to move on in life because he has, he probly dosen't think of you the way you think of him. So go out there meet some new people,you sound like that you need it. I know that you have your heart set on marriage & living happier ever after but it isn't a parth that you are mean't to take in life. So put it behind you & try & move on mabe because he has been around you since you were little you have these attachment in your mind. I know it might sound like crap at the moment but you just have to get over this hurdel & please don't turn to comfort food because it will only make you feel worst in the long run
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Postby Justjudy » Sun Apr 01, 2007 5:43 pm

First and foremost congratulations on throwing away that 1/2 block of chocolate - I would have eaten it and then looked in the fridge for more in your situation.
You said that maybe you were using him as an excuse not to go out and live your life. I know where you are coming from. My ex-husband and I were together for 20 years and I tended to use him and his busy life as an excuse to not go out and make one of my own. I ended up almost being a recluse, I had a couple of close friends, and his Mum and that was it - he virtually cut me off from my family but that is a different story. When he left I was totally lost for a while, but now I have come back into my own. I have a lovely boyfriend (long distance at this stage) who is happy for me to find me and where I want to be, without any interferrence from him (in fact he has insisted on it). I do finally feel like I am actually alive, strong and living life to the full (sometimes too full). Mind you I don't regret those 20 years, they gave me 3 beautiful boys, but I do regret taking 20 years to find out that I can have a life for me, and not to live my life through someone elses dream.
Sorry if I have rambled on (I seem to be doing that today). I hope that you can gather some hope from my story, and not end up like I did - wasting 20 years.

Judy :D
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Postby Lolly » Sun Apr 01, 2007 11:45 pm

Darl, finding yourself is a long journey and this situation is just another block in that journey - first love is always hard, never discount it as you learnt heaps from that experience.

As Judy said, don't live vicariously and wait around thinking about the "what ifs", get out there, find yourself and love will come to you.

Being Judys sister over this past year has been a trial at times but one I would gladly repeat because I have seen her become "her" again and to find happiness within.

We all have that happiness, just sometimes we lose sight of it.
Every day I am getting thinner and thinner.....


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