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Was I Expecting too Much?

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Was I Expecting too Much?

Postby Fairie » Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:18 pm

We had Mum's Funeral on Friday and things are still a bit emotional. I was so angry a couple of days before because the Celebrant / Director spoke to my Dad over the phone to get some back ground on mum, he didn't even try to meet with us to introduce himself at all. Is this normal, is this how it is done? I was so upset and felt this was so impersonal and rude. My brothers & sister just could not understand how I felt about this and told me to back off but it really upset me all I wanted was for him too introduce himself to us. After all he was talking about my mum and he wouldn't have known me from anyone else in the crowd as it was he didn't even get my name right at the service when he mentioned mum's children he called me Kay instead of Fay.

Sorry for the rant but it still makes me mad that I can't talk to anyone else all they say is get over it and stop being so emotional. I'm not looking forward to next Sunday, my sister & I will be sorting through mum's things. I expect I will be told to stop being so emotional then too.
-Fay-

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Postby Ally » Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:24 pm

Oh Fay *hugs* to you darl....

Unfortunately my experiences with funeral celebrant/directors have been the same as yours.....I can understand your anger/hurt/frustration and sadness over it all...I know it is hard darl. Maybe arrange a memorial service for your mum (or like a wake) where all of your family and friends can get together and share stories andtalk/laugh/cry about your mum? It might take away some of the disappointment and frustration over the funeral...my thoughts and prayers are with you mate and you know that you can come here anytime and vent.....
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:25 pm

hey fay

i am not sure how those things are done but id be bloody pissed off too! you are trying to lay your mum to rest with a nice service and he couldnt even say your name correctly?! your her daughter! i think its rude too and id be making it known to the funeral place that you werent happy with how things were done and they were inconsiderate. im sorry that you couldnt say goodbye to your mum at a nicer service fay.
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Postby sassi » Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:31 pm

hi fay. so sorry to hear that.

i just wanted to say that you are allowed to grieve however you want - no one else should tell you that you are being too emotional even though i know they're grieving too, they should understand that everyone grieves differently and you shouldn't be made to feel that there is a wrong or a right way to do it.

i don't think it's too much to ask that they met with you personally rather than doing it over the phone.
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Postby Chelle » Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:51 pm

I never had to deal with funeral directors before so I wouldn't know but You have every right to be angry at the funeral director it wouldn't hurt to see you before hand just for the peace of mind & as for you family your probly taking it more personal then they are you grieve how you want to grieve & don't listen to anyone teling your being to emotional about your mum death.

My thoughts are with you Fay
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Postby Sassygirl » Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:55 pm

It must have been really hard for you - I have been there done that (with burying my father and all). But I was very lucky that the furneral company we used were very caring and understanding. THey even placed our death notice in the paper for us, came over nearly every day in the lead up to the funeral, called to see if we were ok ...... really nice people. I am so sorry to hear that you had a bad experience - that is all you needed to feel on the day of your mum's funeral. A little common courtesy from them wouldn't have gone astray.

My thoughts and prayers are still with you **HUGS**
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Postby yummymummy » Mon Jun 25, 2007 3:02 pm

Oh hon dont let anyone tell you how you should be behaving at a time like this, everyone needs to deal with their emotions in their own way
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Postby shelbel » Mon Jun 25, 2007 3:05 pm

Well said sassi, there is no right and wrong way to grieve, you have to do what feels right for you if you bottle it up because other people tell you to you'll only end up hurting yourself.

There are a lot of different funeral companies out there and they are all vastly different, and unfortunatly some are very unprofessional. I can tell you that this is not how a celebrant should have been, clergy yes, they do that sort of thing, but a celebrant, no. Even the busiest celebrants i know go to the families home. The problem is you dont get a second try to get it right. What was the feedback like from others that attended? People who werent family.

Is it maybe possible that seeing you emotional makes your family upset, also the anger as well, maybe its them not dealing as well as they might seem??
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Postby Maraver » Mon Jun 25, 2007 5:03 pm

kate_turner2000 wrote:hey fay

i am not sure how those things are done but id be bloody pissed off too! you are trying to lay your mum to rest with a nice service and he couldnt even say your name correctly?! your her daughter! i think its rude too and id be making it known to the funeral place that you werent happy with how things were done and they were inconsiderate. im sorry that you couldnt say goodbye to your mum at a nicer service fay.


Here here you are so right there I would be mega pissed off too
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Postby Fairie » Mon Jun 25, 2007 6:11 pm

Thanks everyone, I was starting to think I was being difficult.

There are a lot of different funeral companies out there and they are all vastly different, and unfortunatly some are very unprofessional. I can tell you that this is not how a celebrant should have been, clergy yes, they do that sort of thing, but a celebrant, no. Even the busiest celebrants i know go to the families home. The problem is you dont get a second try to get it right. What was the feedback like from others that attended? People who werent family.

Is it maybe possible that seeing you emotional makes your family upset, also the anger as well, maybe its them not dealing as well as they might seem??

Shelbel:
Thanks for the insight into the Funeral business I didn't know what to expect but I'm glad that I was not wrong in expecting them to at least meet with us and not do it over the phone. I even rang the Funeral company twice and said I had a problem with their Celebrant and could they please ring me. They never returned my calls.

I am the only one in my family that does not have a problem with showing emotion, they all keep it pretty much to themselves and as much as I would love to have a get together and just talk about mum and what we remember growing up etc they would not like that at all. I would so love to share our grief together and not feel as though I can't share my thoughts at this time. I was so angry with my sister the day after mum died and the lady from the Funeral company was talking with us and dad, she went off and picked out the clothes for mum to wear on her own and never even said to me "lets go and choose some clothes for mum to wear". I didn't even know she was doing it till she handed them to the lady, I bit my tounge and didn't say anything so as not to upset dad any further.
-Fay-

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Postby kate_turner2000 » Mon Jun 25, 2007 6:17 pm

thats really sad fay i really feel for you. is there someone you know who you can talk to and have a cuppa with face to face and talk about your mum without being knocked down about it? like a close friend or your hubby or a friend of your mums maybe?
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Postby Niglet » Mon Jun 25, 2007 6:31 pm

I believe in the madness called "now".


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Postby Maraver » Mon Jun 25, 2007 6:32 pm

Fay
Write your thoughts down, maybe in word or something like that, do a scrapbook for yourself based on your memories of her,it might help you work through your grief, go through her photos and cry and smile at each and everyone, allow yourself time to grieve and to heal.
Thinking of you
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Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:45 pm

Hi Fay,
we had a similar episode with my grandma - priest (catholic funeral as per her family's - bro's and sis's - wishes) said "no, you can't have that one" when we picked a bible passage that we thought suited her and gave us a couple of alternatives to choose from which were the stock standard choices. So we said fine, we won't have a reading then.

Bottom line is that they are providing a service.

As far as whether you should "get over it and stop being emotional", you are grieving and that is an emotional process. Different people react in different ways. Perhaps your family are putting on brave faces and 'stiff upper lipping' it. Perhaps they hare just particularly resilient to grief. The other thing is that grief can make you react in different ways to things than you would normally, particularly when it comes to dealing with the issues of funerals etc. Going through your mum's stuff WILL be emotional, and may be even harder if there is conflict over who gets what etc. One idea which is what we did, is to go round and put stickers on everything and everyone puts their name on anything they would like. Anything that you gave them goes back to you and then the executors go through and try and allocate everyone equal (both in amount and in sentimental attachment) portions of things. That's what we did and it worked really well, but our family is very good that way and not squabbly - what worked for us may not work for someone else. But then I've probably posted this too late anyhow,
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Postby Fairie » Tue Jul 10, 2007 9:59 pm

Thanks Tegan, yes it was very emotional going through mum's things but there was no "bickering" we just each got a few personal things of hers. Dad still wanted to keep her watch and Wedding and Engagement rings and that was fine with us. I got a gold ring that we all bought her for her 50th Birthday and my sister got her other gold ring that dad had bought for her. My brothers got some other small memento's. My sister and I took all her clothes to the Goodwill but the bag of clothes that I brought back from the Hospital after she died we just put it in the bin because neither of us could bear to go through it.

I just had a phone call this morning from the Funeral home to say they had mum's ashes and when did I want to pick them up. Dad does not want an Urn and he can't handle the thought of having mum's ashes so he asked me to pick them up. He has decided to have a Memorial Plaque for her in Loxton with a draw for her ashes. In the mean time I will have mum's ashes here till we can get everything organized and get everyone together, that could be up to 12 months. I don't know how I will cope with knowing mum's ashes are here.

I sent a letter to the Funural Home saying how upset and hurt I was and I had the state manager ring me today appologising for what happened, he said he was quite shocked and had spoken to the ones involved and they had been reprimanded. At least this should not happen to others now.

They also have a tape of the service, I don't know if I will listen to it or just put it in the bin.
-Fay-

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