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Was I Expecting too Much?

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Postby shelbel » Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:33 pm

Fay, do not put the tape in the bin!!! Keep it somewhere safe, you might not want to listen to it right now (or ever), but who knows where you'll be in a year or so's time and if you throw it, its gone. As for your mothers ashes the funeral home should be able to hold them for you (its the least they can do) if not you might be able to send them back to the cemetery if your prepared to pay a holding fee. At least thats how it works here in Perth.

Did you feel any better getting that phone call and a apology?
I think its nice that you will in time have a memorial plaque for her, its somewhere you can go and visit and chat to her.

I hope your taking good care of yourself and letting others care for you as well.
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Wed Jul 11, 2007 9:10 am

hey fay

shel is right, dont throw the tape away keep it somewhere safe so you have it for the future if you want to listen to it or your other family members want to. i know that if i had passed away i wouldnt want my ashes to be left at a funeral home for a long period of time. are any of your other family members able to look after them? i remember my step dads ex wife was cremated and the funeral home destroyed the ashes because they werent picked up in time. :? it sounds like you were really brave with your mums possesions and sorting them through like adults. im glad you wrote a letter to complain to the funeral place about the treatment of yourself and the service for your mum.
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Postby Fairie » Fri Jul 13, 2007 5:02 pm

Thanks Kate & Shelby, I will keep the tape and leave it in the drawer for now. I know the rest of my family don't want it but maybe some of the grandchildren would like it later.



Did you feel any better getting that phone call and a apology?

I did appreciate the phone call Shelby and I felt a little better but it would have ment a lot more if the Celebrant had rang to apologise.

It is so hard Shelby, my brothers & sister don't want to know how anyone else is going they just keep their grief to themselves and don't show it. I can't talk to them so how can I explain about the guilt I feel that the last time I saw mum at the family BBQ I had for my 50th which was 4 days before she died that I hardly spoke to her because I had so much to do and there was so many people here or that I didn't have time to make the Pavlova I was going to make for Mother's Day and didn't, then promised her I would have one for her at my BBQ and still didn't. I know these are only minor things but these are the things I keep thinking of.
-Fay-

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Postby shelbel » Fri Jul 13, 2007 9:44 pm

I gather your mums passing wasnt expected? I dont mean to pry, and you by no means have to tell, it just seems to me you feel a bit robbed of the chance to say some things to her. I think that when something so big in your life happens you start focusing on smaller details because the big picture is just too much to deal with. If you'd have known what was going to happen, im sure you'd have made her a thousand pavs, and i'll bet she knows that too!
I can only imagine how isolated you might be feeling from your family right now, but please dont hold it against them that they cant talk about her as everyone grieves differently, they need to come to that place on their own and whilst its hard on you, you have to respect that, its not to say they arent suffering. Or that bottling it up is the best way, give them time.

Its a long hard road Fay and it can take up to a year, if not longer to really adjust to the changes in your life now. But i think with the support of your husband and friends and hopefully in time your family, you will through it.

Ive been thinking about you and wondering how your going, so dont be a stranger, theres a lot of life support as well as weight loss support here!
Highest Weight - 93kgs
Current Weight - 68.3kgs
Goal Weight - 65kgs

The wise man Stephen King once said - The only way to go on, is to go on. To say 'i can do this' even when you know you cant

You'll find me in the almost there section :)
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Postby Fairie » Sat Jul 14, 2007 12:00 am

Thanks Shelbel, youre right it was very unexpected even though she has had Angina for about 10 years. I don't think I feel robbed of not being able to say things to her it's more that I feel I should have been able to notice something wasn't right and should have asked her more often if everything was alright after she went and saw her specialist. I should have known / seen that she was getting worse instead I had been so caught up in my new venture of selling my products at the local markets.

I am not angry with my family just disappointed but I do understand everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. My husband has been very supportive but being a male he doesn't understand why I still get a bit emotional at times. I have sent him away fishing with a couple of mates for the weekend, he won't be back till Monday night. I still have to look after the birds but other than that I will have a quiet weekend, I may even decide to listen to the tape.
-Fay-

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Postby shelbel » Sat Jul 14, 2007 12:22 am

Even if you had asked her more often, what would she have said? And more importantly, what could you have done? When its time, its time, her work here on earth was done, it was her turn to rest.

You had no real way of knowing what was going to happen, and above all, could you have actually changed the outcome? I dont mean to sound harsh in any way, i just hate to think that your beating yourself up over something you had no control over. But i can understand the range of emotions and regrets you must have.

Are you looking forward to a quiet weekend? Sometimes its great to just relax without having to worry about another person. And im sure he'll enjoy a weekend of fishing and no doubt beer drinking! I know what you mean about males, sometimes they dont get us girls!
Highest Weight - 93kgs
Current Weight - 68.3kgs
Goal Weight - 65kgs

The wise man Stephen King once said - The only way to go on, is to go on. To say 'i can do this' even when you know you cant

You'll find me in the almost there section :)
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Postby Fairie » Sun Jul 15, 2007 11:34 am

I know I couldn't have changed the outcome Shelbel but I just felt that she might have thought I should have noticed even though she would not of wanted me to know if she was in any pain or suffering. :roll: It would have just made me feel better if I had noticed more that's all.

So much for a relaxing weekend, I spent 6 hours at the Hospital yesturday with my son. He had a fall and landed on his back, luckily no serious damage only sever bruising but he had numbness in his legs and shooting pain up to his shoulders so it was a bit of a worry.
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Postby Maraver » Sun Jul 15, 2007 11:58 am

Oh Fay what a weekend, hope you son is ok, it sounds to me as if you need to have a weekend away and a bit of a break, have you thought about that, I am away next weekend, but the weekend after I am free, do want to come to me and have a chat, the break may do you good anyway let me know, and please be kind to yourself, your Mum would not want you to beat yourself up like this
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Postby shaz73 » Mon Jul 16, 2007 2:00 am

Hi Fay

Wow....so many things.

Well, as you know, I too have just been through dealing with funeral directors, grief (still grieving), etc.

I don't know if it was because we were having a funeral for our baby girl that the funeral director was compassionate & patient. I later found out that one of the other directors at the funeral home was visibly upset that they were doing a funeral for a baby. And a little doll, she was.

But the funeral company we used were wonderful. We really only dealt with one person there & she couldn't do enough for us. She never came out to our house as others have suggested, but in every dealing with her, she made sure she got every detail right. She was always warm, compassionate, caring & helpful.

We had a church pastor conduct our funeral. He & his wife were wonderful too. They came to our home whenever we needed them, they printed our Order of Service booklets at the church, they gave us emotional support & organised for people to bring meals around, & the pastor said the most beautiful words at the funeral & he didn't drag it out & make it dreary with babble. He really spent alot of time with us & our extended family & got to know us. And he was never in a hurry to leave. He was always there when we needed him. After viewings, after anything that he knew was going to be a struggle.

To cope with our grief, we just looked everything in the face. We went to visit our baby girl at the coroners office after she'd had her autopsy. Her head was covered with a hat so we couldn't see any damage. We were well prepared by a counsellor there. I had massive anxiety attacks prior to & leading up to going in but I wanted to see my girl. We also had viewings of her at the funeral home. I don't know if you did any of this but it really helped me in a way that I can't put into words right now of how to explain. Once I can put it into words, I'll share it with you.

What is also helping me, as someone else has suggested, is looking at her photo's, watching video's of her. Look at photo's & video's over & over & over & use them to enjoy your Mum again & again. For 3 weeks, I never had a single dream about my baby girl. Last night was the first time I'd dreamt about her & I wanted to dream about her so much. I felt that if I can just enjoy her again in my dreams, then I'll be happy. But for 3 weeks, I didn't even get that!! And I was happy once I'd had that dream. I didn't wake up sad.

Can I just encourage you to not push away the photo's because it hurts too much to look at them. You need to cry if that's how you express your emotions, you need to be angry if that's what you want to express at the time, you need to go with how you feel at the time. One particular day, I held it all together because I didn't want to cry all the time, I was starting to harden myself to the feelings. By the end of the day, when I went to bed, I just cried. I wailed so loudly & for so long, it was like all the emotions I'd been suppressing throughout the day all came out at once. I decided I wasn't going to do that again. After that, I just cried when I felt to cry, etc.

You threw your Mums clothes that she wore in the bin because neither of you could bear to go through them. If the garbo's haven't come around, I would also urge you to take them back out. You don't have to go through them. Put them in the roof, put them under the house if it's not on a slab. Put them somewhere where you can get them if you ever feel you want to hold them, smell them, cuddle them. There's nothing wrong with that. It's another way of being close to your Mum again. You might never want to get them out but at least you'll always have the option.

In regard to your Mums ashes, you weren't sure how you were going to cope with having your Mums ashes at your house. I hope you don't mind me sharing our story with you. Our original plan was to bury our daughter in my home town but seeing as we're not living there, I couldn't bear to leave her there. I would want to stay there so I could visit her & take care of her grave. And I didn't want to bury her where we're currently living because we're only living here temporarily and I didn't want to have to leave her later on. So we decided to have her cremated so she could always be with us. I never ever thought I'd decide on cremation for myself or for my children but now I'm at peace with it. We're going to have some of her ashes put in a vial to be placed inside a special teddy bear so that if me, my husband or my other children feel sad & miss her, we can go & cuddle the teddy bear. But I actually happy that Aliyra will always be with us.

At the moment, my husband & I each have a little thing of Aliyra's that we sleep with every night & cuddle. He cuddles her little toy bunny rabbit that she used to sleep with & I cuddle a pair of her pants (trousers) that she wore & I haven't washed. We both want to smell her. It makes us feel close to her. It's our way of expressing our love to her without her actually being here. I read this to my husband & he's not impressed with me sharing that he sleeps with a little bunny!!! :lol: So you're all privileged that I shared this story with you!!

Make sure you let people know that it's still OK to talk about your Mum. Just because she is gone, doesn't make her a taboo subject. Another thing that helps when you're missing her is tell someone what you love about her. Something special that happened between you, how your Mum did this & when she said that. Once you start talking & sharing stories with someone - particularly someone who knew her also & can share as well - you will enjoy her again & again & it somehow lessens the pain & brings a smile.

I hope some of this has helped you Fay. If you have any questions like, "How did you deal with this?" or, "I'm really struggling with that", just ask. Me helping you with your grief & your emotions helps me with mine.

Thinking of you Fay. Don't try to be or act how anyone says you should. Just be yourself. Expect changes. Changes will happen. Be true to how you feel. And again, I hope you don't mind me sharing all of this with you. Please know that my intentions are to help you & I hope that something of what I've shared has helped even in the smallest way.

Love Sharon
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P.S. Sorry about the novel everyone!! :oops:
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Postby Maraver » Mon Jul 16, 2007 5:16 am

Sharon
It is 4am and I have just read this before leaving for work, what you have said makes so much sense and has opened up some pain inside that I have never really dealt with because I did not know how
I hope what you have written helps Fay as you have helped me
Thanks
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Postby shaz73 » Mon Jul 16, 2007 1:58 pm

Hi Pam.

I'm glad that what I was saying made sense to you & clarified some feelings that you couldn't make sense of. I was worried after I posted it that I rambled on too much & did more damage than good! So thank you for sharing with me that it has helped you.

Same as what I said to Fay applies to you too Pam. If there's anything you want to ask me, please ask. I'd like to help however I can.

Thanks again.

Sharon.
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Postby Fairie » Mon Jul 16, 2007 8:39 pm

Thank you so much for that Sharon, I hope you don't mind I sent you a PM rather than post here.

I have also sent you a PM too Pam.
-Fay-

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