I was actually lying in bed this morning thinking about a topic I was going to start on this forum and I got out of bed at 4.30am and made myself a 99% fat free hot chocolate and thought I am going to put my story on the forum, so many of you bare your souls and I thought maybe its time I bared mine.
The title of my story is “Moving In The Right Direction” well I think I am now, I think the turning point for me or something that helped me get myself in the right frame of mind was meeting Marcia last week, we shared a lot of stuff and it was good to bring things out in the open, we walked not far but we walked, I had the most comfortable pair of trousers on I could find but being so fat and so short they were too long in the body for me so when we walked my legs rubbed together at the top, two days later I had blisters at the top of my legs which made my life so uncomfortable, I told no one just treated them with savlon and just wallowed in my embarrassment. I have known for years that I am fat and I am weak, I am weak is no so many things so why should I not be weak in my weight loss, I let people walk all over me, my family people at work. But I have come to realize that some where along the line it has to stop, or I will die with this excess weight I am carrying, I hate myself, I hate looking at myself, I hate my husband looking at me, and now this is being really honest……………………I cannot imagine why on earth he would want to have censored with me, who in there right mind would, I am not just fat I am like a beached whale, but I know this wonderful man loves me and will be there for me on this journey.
I have had a lot of tragedy in my life, with children on drugs, heavy drugs and it has been going on for years, maybe 14 years for my eldest daughter she has put me through hell, financially and emotionally, she had a child and she was alone in Melbourne I begged her to come and live with me In Adelaide, she said know I said I would leave Andy we were not married at the time I said I would come to Melbourne and we would find a place together so I could help her with the baby she refused, I bought everything for her as Mum’s do, I just knew she was going to struggle, a normal single parent would never mind one with a history of drugs, she had a beautiful baby boy called Charlie and I stayed with her for a week after he was born, bought her fans and some mod cons for her flat all on my visa card of course, I flew her to Adelaide for a couple of weeks to help her get into some sort of routine, we managed that and the baby was thriving well, but then the phone calls started Mum they have cut off the electricity, so Mum gets it put back on, any Mum would how can you think of them coping with out heat and light, and then it was Mum I need money for milk for Charlie I need money for nappies etc etc etc and it went on and on and on. Easter was coming and she we paid for her to fly over for a couple of weeks, we were on the way to the airport to pick her up when we go the message to say she wasn’t on the flight she could not get to the airport I had even sent the money for a taxi to the airport, I was just gutted and told her so in a letter, I not good at being strong face to face her even on the phone I hate confrontation, I told her that she had to learn to cope, she had a beautiful child and she had to learn to put him first, two days later Charlie was taken from her, and her drug habit had got out of control and she had been neglecting him, this happened four and half years ago and she will never get him back until he is 18 and he will make the choice himself if he wants to contact her.
There is more to this story which I will write later as long as it is not too depressing for everyone but it helps me to get it out of my system, I really did not mean to write so much but once I started it just flowed.
Anyway the point is I now feel as if I am moving in the right direction, On Sunday night I weighed myself before I went to bed I was 110.5 kilos, what a mess I have got my body I had let other people make me a victim of their problems, so I needed to act and now it is Friday morning and last night I weighed myself and I was 109.5 kilos I had lost one whole kilo, I have taken every single piece of food that I eat at work with me, know longer thinking whats for lunch its there I just need to warm it up, even took some nibbles some almonds and apricots, my evening meal I have cut down by 50% and also my wine intact by 50% I only drink one bottle a night ……………..only joking, I have used the treadmill twice and that’s where I sign off now because I am off to walk on my treadmill again before work, thanks for listening and being there