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Overcoming the negative voices

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Overcoming the negative voices

Postby A_Corner_Of_The_Earth » Wed Jul 25, 2007 1:50 pm

Ok I don't know where to put this so I thought here was as good a place as any.

I have a dilemma (wellllllll it's more of a self-esteem issue if I'm brutally honest)

As some of you may know, I've been single for the last few months after ending a five year relationship. To make a long story short I lost all my confidence, started eating for comfort (reads nightly binges on toast) put on the weight I lost plus a few extra. I woke up to myself and have started the down ward spiral of getting my weight under control.

Here is where my problem begins. In the last three weeks I've started getting out there again meeting new people. I'm now dating three guys (just dating nothing more) and I'm struggling majorly with my confidence. Negative thoughts keep running through me head, for instance "what do these guys see, I'm fat and ugly why do they want to be with me" etc etc.

They also in a sense intimidate the hell out of me. They are all in fantastic shape. They all have fantastic physics without an ounce of fat on them. One is a personal trainer and he is ripped. I keep thinking why are you interested in me and I think oh my gosh he's judging me- the size of my thighs, bum, arms.

Although I may appear relaxed, vibrant and happy in the back of my mind I can never fully relax. I'm finding it extremely hard to take the compliments and when they cuddle me or put their arm around my waist I'm thinking OMG he can fill my fat. It grosses me out and I tend to back off.

It was so easy when I was with my ex. He met me when I was a skinny minny so I felt confident and comfortable with him. But this time around I'm full of insecurities.

How have you worked through this, if you’ve ever experienced these very thoughts?

Do you experience these same thoughts and insecurities? Am I just being silly. My girlfriends tell me I’m just being paranoid and stupid and not to think about it, but it’s so hard.

I don't want to ruin whatever may happen or not happen just because of my insecurities.

GW1 - 70kgs
GW2 - 67kgs
GW3 - 60kgs
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Wed Jul 25, 2007 2:07 pm

omg jen jen

i can totally relate... well not to the whole boyfriend thing lol because im engaged and was a chubguts when i met mick. however since having heidi i have really become insecure about my appearance. i felt so great during pregnancy, but now with a saggy apron, tons of stetch marks, a dimply bum and so on i feel really nervous about things! like not just in front of mick but when im out and about i am always covering up, i never show my arms or back in public, never wear anything above the knee- like shorts or skirts because im self conscious about the front of my legs as well as the backs, i walk past shop windows and see my flabby belly even when other people cant notice it as much.

you soooo arent alone in feeling this way jen. as ive said before, get to know yourself. you have been in a relationship for a long time, you need to rediscover YOU and how beautiful you are inside as well as out. once you take control of your weightloss journey and get back to feeling good about your size you will find that you will have newfound confidence in other areas of your life and your appearance. if those guys you are seeing arent interested in you or your appearance they wouldnt be sticking around.

much love to you and you know i am always here to chat ;)
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Postby sassi » Wed Jul 25, 2007 2:08 pm

oooh. i know exactly what you mean! i think we're far harsher judges of ourselves than anyone else ever is.

there are lots of things i want to say, so i'll get my main point in first before i go off on a tangent or 5.....i know you say you met your last partner when you were thinner and that made you feel comfortable. however, if you turn that around and look at it from the opposite side - these guys have met you & are interested & attracted to you (cos they are - even if it's just 'dating') when you are at what you think is your worst! what you're thinking about yourself clearly does not match up with their thoughts!!

i have exactly the same thoughts & have been trying to overcome them since i met my partner about 14 months ago. he only knows me like i am & he never misses an opportunity to tell me how attractive he thinks i am. i have made a conscious decision to believe him and not to listen to the nasty things i think about myself.

i know it's hard, but let yourself believe that whilst you want to make some changes to your appearance, other people will still find you attractive. if it's too hard to do just yet, think about the other things you like about yourself & forget about your weight, cos those things are important too.

okay, u'm rambling, but i hope i'm making some sense! it's not meant to be harsh or anything it just really hit home as being exactly like i have been!
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Postby A_Corner_Of_The_Earth » Wed Jul 25, 2007 7:09 pm

It's a bit of a relief to know that I'm not the only one that feels like this. I have tried to discuss it with my girlfriends but they are all skinny and don't seem to understand where I am coming from. They just think I'm trying to think up excuses to push them away and they don't want to see me stuffing things up. Which is nice but not what I needed to hear.

I guess we are our greatest critics. We see things and spot our flaws that others just don't see.

Kate - something I've come to discover is that I hate being alone. Being alone has been making me depressed. Yes I do have to work at my health and wellbeing and I'm going to do it but I also want to get out there and live and have fun while I don't have any attachments or responsibilities.

One Saturday night I was sitting on my balcony alone drinking wine watching the little ant people (hahaha) going to clubs, having fun and the realisation that I was home feeling sorry and miserable for myself woke me up. I want to get out there and mingle and meet new people. It's part of the journey of discovering who I am.

Yes I am battling to lose weight but one thing I know is that I don't want to miss an opportunity because my self belief has been knocked to the ground. You are so right. Why else would they bother to stick around if they weren't interested in me the person.

Sassi - you made sense, didn't ramble and weren't harsh at all. You made some very good points.

Clearly my thoughts don't match up to there’s. I never looked at it that way. It's amazing what self-doubt does to someone. If they like what they see at my worst it can only get better :)

It's hard not to listing to those thoughts in your head. Taking compliments is hard too, as it contradicts everything that you believe to true. If only we could see what they see without always spotting the flaws.

Thank you ladies for your valuable input. I really do appreciate it.

GW1 - 70kgs
GW2 - 67kgs
GW3 - 60kgs
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