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Depressed about Mum

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Depressed about Mum

Postby kate_turner2000 » Wed Sep 19, 2007 11:39 am

hey guys

i thought this was the best place to vent about something because i dont know you guys personally (as in real life) but i have some great mates here whose opinions mean a lot to me.

after my dad passed away my mum became a multimillionare due to all the hard work my dad did in his life and sensible decisions they both made together. however since meeting my step dad my mum and him made some choices that ultimately have left her with nothing and she is now in debt. she doesnt work, she has always been a homemaker, my step dad is supposed to be a truck driver/machine operator but does this when he feels like it and swaps jobs all the time. my mum has set him up many business ventures over the years- get rich quick schemes etc. i have come to accept my step dad as my mums husband and that she loves him etc. i get along well with him although in my teen years i did not. i rebelled. i lvoe my mum dearly but i am getting depressed seeing the financial problems she is having. my brother still lives at home with mum and step dad because he has said to me that he doesnt feel he can leave (he had moved out years ago but moved back in to help mum) because he is helping them out financially. they owe him a couple of thousand dollars. the thing is, she is asking me for money now. we are on a single income, we have a car payment, we are saving for our first family holiday next year. i simply cannot afford to keep lending her money. its not extreme amounts but she is a couple of packs a day smoker so she never has money for smokes so she "borrows" money off people for her smokes but doesnt pay them back. my brother left some money at their place yesterday for me cos i brought his newspapers from the newsagency the other day (he rang and asked me to pick them up as he was away) and when i got to mums she had spent the money. i know it might sound petty because its 10 bucks here or 15 bucks there but it all adds up and i know i wont see it again. mick and i are trying our best to get nice things for ourselves and heidi but sometimes i feel like lending money to mum is holding me back. her and my step dad would rather pay for wine and beer and smokes instead of paying their rent, or buying food. my mum recently went to qld (my sister paid her airfare) to help my sister after my niece was in a car accident. she went for a week and i told her that i would go around and clean her house for her whilst she was away cos my step dad and brother were 'bachelors' for the week. i got around there and there was no cleaning stuff. just empty bottles of things everywhere like bleach, disinfectant, toilet cleaner etc. my mum has always been a clean freak like me but she is slacking off now on necessities to buy her smokes and alcohol.

it is really depressing me and i am starting to not want to walk around and see her each day because i know she will hit me up for money or ill hear about some outstanding bill they have for nearly $1000 that they cant pay. as ive said they have made a couple of pretty stupid decisions since meeting, and we sometimes wonder where all their money goes! my mum gets a pension cos my dad was a war veteran, my step dad works and gets paid when he does work, they got mums super through not long ago- its all gone. they got a couple of grand back from tax and its all gone. i dont understand it.

what can i do? im at my wits end because i hate seeing my mum in the situation theyre in. my brother is basically suicidal about it all, and i cant keep lending her money here and there for smokes and things like that when im not getting the money back.

today mum asked for money for smokes and then i told her i need it back by friday because i have micks birthday present to buy and she said oh dont worry about it. and then before i left she goes, 'oh ill walk to the shops with you and get you to buy me a small pkt of smokes and then ill only have to pay you back $10' so we were walking to the shops and mum goes 'oh you have lost weight, you can really tell' and comments like that i dont know if she is being honest or just being nice about it because she is getting a pkt of smokes!

sorry i just had to vent it all
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Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Wed Sep 19, 2007 12:03 pm

Hi Kate, sounds like a tricky situation. You need and want to be there for your mum, which is understandable, but you and your brother can't be there for her if the stress is making you ill and depressed!! Also, think about whether you might be enabling her and your stepdad to continue in their apparently ineffective way of doing things. It might be time to sit your mum down (not when she has just asked for something, but as a planned thing) and say that you are worried about their financial situation and where the money is going, that it is having a personal toll on yourself and your brother as well as a financial one and that you are not in a financial position to continue lending her money. Perhaps you might find out where the money is going to and can direct her to somewhere to get help for it (gamblers anonymous, various places do financial planning, possibly drug use treatment - not saying this is what it is, but they were just some of the possibilities I thought of for rapidly disappearing money). Perhaps she will deny anything in which case at least you have made your position clear that you will not be giving her any more money without a clear agreement on how and when it will be paid back.

There does come a point when you have to draw that line and say enough is enough, as hard as that may be. Just like sometimes a parent has to draw the line for a troubled teenager and let them cop the police involvement and give them some tough consequences.

But you're definitely welcome to come on here and vent any time!! And please if you or your brother are feeling depressed about it, especially if he is suicidal, tell SOMEONE that can help. Lifeline, Beyond Blue, your GP, a psychologist, social worker...anyone. Even just talking can help.
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Postby madeline » Wed Sep 19, 2007 12:19 pm

I agree with Butterfly_Dawn I really don't know what to add, but *huge hug* from me Kate, I really hope things get better for you :( Stay strong.
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Postby lng86 » Wed Sep 19, 2007 12:19 pm

I completely agree with Tegan.

You have been put in a very difficult situation... But you have your own family now. You have a daughter and a partner - and you need to be thinking about your own family that you have created. You need to think about your own wants and needs.

It is true, you might be enabling the situation (not on purpose, of course) by her knowing she can come to you when she is short on cash. I think you should simply say that you have no money as you just had to pay the rent, phone bill, credit card blah blah blah and to not carry money on you whilst in her company.

You are not being selfish. But you need to do what's right for your own family. Like Tegan said, however, I think you should most probably get help for your brother.
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Wed Sep 19, 2007 1:06 pm

thanks girls for letting me vent. its hard because i have told my brother the best thing he can probably do is move out then mum and step dad would have to fend for themselves. he is looking at going back to uni next year to do teaching (he already has a bachelor of business) and then he is going to travel. ive been encouraging him with his decisions in regards to his future so it has a positive spin on it. mick said that we should have him around for dinner every so often so that he feels like he isnt alone in it all. awhile back my stepdad brought a boat from america in hopes of making money off it. he didnt calculate the costing properly and they ended up having to borrow $20,000 off my sister to pay for it. my sister told my mum she needs to put her foot down and not get into these schemes anymore. mum carried on about it and said that 'i dont need a lecture' etc etc. so if i sit down with mum and express my concerns about her i know i will cop the same backlash. i think you are right lauren in keeping money at home so i dont have any money on me. today i made it perfectly clear to her that i have birthday presents to pay for, dr's appointment etc on friday so i will need that money back. '

you are all right in that i need to put my own family first now and make a life for us. for too long ive been having to look after my mum like im the mother. i know that she isnt on drugs or gambling because she isnt near a club and doesnt know what drugs are lol but i know she smokes far too much and drinks wine like its going out of fashion (not on her own but my step dad and her will drink every afternoon) when they do get a large amount of money through they spend it on stupid things- like a boat, a car, all new camping gear (they have about $25,000 of camping gear they never use) a big widescreen plasma and surround sound system, etc.
it makes me sad that everything my dad worked for and organised with mum has gone. my brother is quite resentful of my dad for not teaching my mum money skills, and being the only son he feels like its up to him to look after mum til the day she dies. my brother vents to me about mum and calls her all names under the sun because he get so frustrated with her and in turn it upsets me because i have to hear someone bad mouthing my mum, and also my dad who is not around to defend himself.
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Postby oostevens » Wed Sep 19, 2007 1:24 pm

i really dont know what to add, that others have already said.
I can't say i know what you are going through, because i don't.

I do think its good that u have told your mum that you are not fully able to give her money all the time, and i believe you have to stay true to that. It's not your fault she is in the position she is in, so you shouldnt have to pay for her mistakes.

If it was anyone other than your mum it would be easy to just say 'well they got themselves there, they can deal with the consequences' but thats hard to say, specially when its your mum, someone you love and who raised you.

have u suggested that maybe they should sell the stuff they dont use? maybe on e-bay or a garage sale? that way they could receive some money, but would that money disappear quickly too? who knows.

maybe it is time for an INTERVENTION (as they say on finding nemo). go around with mick, and ur brother, and maybe someone in finance, and have a chat with both ur mum and step dad, and don't leave until some light has been shed on the situation (easier said than done). Or find someone who is willing to help take care of their finances. (i dont know how easily that can be done either)

other than that, all i can offer is my support and if u ever need to chat i am a great listener :)

i dont know how religious you are but if u like i can pray for you, your family, your mum and step dad aswell as your brother.

sorry i can't do anymore than that.

*hug hug*

things will get better!
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Postby ali » Wed Sep 19, 2007 1:36 pm

Wow, thats a really tough situation. In a way I can relate. When my mum left my dad and her parents died she was left some money but instead of investing it properly she and her new (a*hole) of a bf decided that they would waste it on numerous holidays, expensive bottles of wine and eating out every night, etc. Now there is nothing left. Luckily, she still has the house her mum left her, but no money and its a strain on everyone. My siblings and I still rely on our parents so its hard on us as well, just because she wasnt financially smart with her money.

Also, my brother has bipolar disorder and so gets a disability pension and housing commission house, but hes so bad with his money its never enough, he is always getting money off my parents even though hes 25 and very capable, he just uses his disability as an excuse. Whats worse is my parents let him and keep giving him money. He went o/s because his artworks were in an exhibition in Paris and because he "couldnt" go alone, my dad not only had to pay for his trip but his older friends trip too! She such a scam! My dad barely earns anything, like $40 000 a year or something and has 3 kids to look after and the nerve of this woman to come in and take take take! Aagh!!! It makes me so angry! And I know when my parents cant look after my bro financially anymore it will be up to my sis and I, just because my parents arnt encouraging him to go and get a proper job (he is very capable).

Sorry, im ambushing your post, I have a point! Lol. I will always be there for my mum and bro emotionally but you cant always be there financially, its not up to you to keep paying for their expenses. If it is a really urgent situation then fine, but paying for smokes and boats (or o/s trips in my case!) is not acceptable. You need to let them know that if they want these things then they will have to find a way to financially be able to afford them, whether that means getting a financial adviser so they know where there money is going and how to start saving, or to encourage them to quit drinking and smoking.

In the end, you have to look after you and your family. I often look at my mums situation and think, I dont want to end up like that and I dont want to put my kids through that, because I know how emotionally draining and upsetting it is to be in that situation. You have to do whats best for you, mick and heidi. Be there for your mum emotionally, but you have to put a stop to it before they drag you down with them.

Also, I definitely think you should encourage your bro to move out, its not his problem either. Maybe without him there they will realise how bad off they are with no one to help them and they will be forced to fix their bad ways. Also, if he is down, get him some help, ive been there before and you feel so alone. I think its a good idea to have him over for dinner, just so he doesnt feel like he has this whole burden on him alone. Maybe set a day a week for him to come so its like a routine, every thurs he comes for dinner or something?

Anyway, long rant, sorry, but I definitely think you need to look after yourself and your family first! Do whats best for you. Be there for your mum emotionally, but let her know you have your own bills, etc to pay and you cant keep supporting her financially. Good luck and I hope things get better for you and your family soon!
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Postby sassi » Wed Sep 19, 2007 2:22 pm

vent away kate! i can only imagine how frustrating and saddening the situation must be :(

i think ali has hit the nail on the head - you can continue to provide emotional support but you can't always provide financial support. as everyone else has said, you have your own family to look after now and you don't want something like this to cause resentment in the future between you and mick or even heidi because of what happened years before (not saying this would happen, just that weird stuff happens over money).

i hope your bro is okay too.

hang in there chicky
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Postby Rustie » Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:48 pm

*group hugs*
Its so hard when you can see your family go down hill but chin up!
I strongly agree with the other girls and wat they have said but I know it isnt easy to confront the situation.
Its sad also that your dad didnt put inplace something for you kids either. I know you love your step dad but he sounds like a leach on your poor mum and maybe she is depressed and thinks there is no real way out of things. It is good to hear though that you have your head firmly nailed to your shoulders and your not taking after her with your money. At the end of the day its your own family that comes first and it should be your number 1 priority.
I dont think society these days has enough in place to teach people with how to use their money correctly. And even i know that.
My partner used to work fly in/fly out and was earning in excess of 4.5 the average weekly wage and we still blew it and didnt have any savings. We might have had a great time and got alot of cool stuff but at the end of the day we could have had his nice brand new car in our driveway and a deposit on a house...
Life isnt fair but its how you deal with these matters that makes the difference.

Good luck with everything. We are always here to listen.
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Re: Depressed about Mum

Postby help6363 » Thu Sep 20, 2007 7:26 pm

kate_turner2000 wrote:hey guys

i thought this was the best place to vent about something because i dont know you guys personally (as in real life) but i have some great mates here whose opinions mean a lot to me.

after my dad passed away my mum became a multimillionare due to all the hard work my dad did in his life and sensible decisions they both made together. however since meeting my step dad my mum and him made some choices that ultimately have left her with nothing and she is now in debt. she doesnt work, she has always been a homemaker, my step dad is supposed to be a truck driver/machine operator but does this when he feels like it and swaps jobs all the time. my mum has set him up many business ventures over the years- get rich quick schemes etc. i have come to accept my step dad as my mums husband and that she loves him etc. i get along well with him although in my teen years i did not. i rebelled. i lvoe my mum dearly but i am getting depressed seeing the financial problems she is having. my brother still lives at home with mum and step dad because he has said to me that he doesnt feel he can leave (he had moved out years ago but moved back in to help mum) because he is helping them out financially. they owe him a couple of thousand dollars. the thing is, she is asking me for money now. we are on a single income, we have a car payment, we are saving for our first family holiday next year. i simply cannot afford to keep lending her money. its not extreme amounts but she is a couple of packs a day smoker so she never has money for smokes so she "borrows" money off people for her smokes but doesnt pay them back. my brother left some money at their place yesterday for me cos i brought his newspapers from the newsagency the other day (he rang and asked me to pick them up as he was away) and when i got to mums she had spent the money. i know it might sound petty because its 10 bucks here or 15 bucks there but it all adds up and i know i wont see it again. mick and i are trying our best to get nice things for ourselves and heidi but sometimes i feel like lending money to mum is holding me back. her and my step dad would rather pay for wine and beer and smokes instead of paying their rent, or buying food. my mum recently went to qld (my sister paid her airfare) to help my sister after my niece was in a car accident. she went for a week and i told her that i would go around and clean her house for her whilst she was away cos my step dad and brother were 'bachelors' for the week. i got around there and there was no cleaning stuff. just empty bottles of things everywhere like bleach, disinfectant, toilet cleaner etc. my mum has always been a clean freak like me but she is slacking off now on necessities to buy her smokes and alcohol.

it is really depressing me and i am starting to not want to walk around and see her each day because i know she will hit me up for money or ill hear about some outstanding bill they have for nearly $1000 that they cant pay. as ive said they have made a couple of pretty stupid decisions since meeting, and we sometimes wonder where all their money goes! my mum gets a pension cos my dad was a war veteran, my step dad works and gets paid when he does work, they got mums super through not long ago- its all gone. they got a couple of grand back from tax and its all gone. i dont understand it.

what can i do? im at my wits end because i hate seeing my mum in the situation theyre in. my brother is basically suicidal about it all, and i cant keep lending her money here and there for smokes and things like that when im not getting the money back.

today mum asked for money for smokes and then i told her i need it back by friday because i have micks birthday present to buy and she said oh dont worry about it. and then before i left she goes, 'oh ill walk to the shops with you and get you to buy me a small pkt of smokes and then ill only have to pay you back $10' so we were walking to the shops and mum goes 'oh you have lost weight, you can really tell' and comments like that i dont know if she is being honest or just being nice about it because she is getting a pkt of smokes!

sorry i just had to vent it all
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OMG....I am so sorry! BIG HUGS!!! :D

Can you refer your mum to a free agency that helps people with their bugets? We have places like that here in WA. I know that is easier said that done...the dynamics of family and all.

I know this probably will not help but I had a friend that refused to quit smoking and did not have the money for cigarettes. We (other friends and myself) gift wrapped a packet of quit smoking patches and we gave them to her the next time she asked for money for cigarettes. The card attached stated: 'Use these and you will never need to ask for cigarette money again' Ohhh....it did not work well, she got really angry at us!

I know what you mean when people say nice things after you they have asked for something and you have said yes....... I don't know if she is being honest or not..... but I know how it makes you feel! SORRY to hear you are going through this!

Hope it all works out! Sorry to hear you are in this situation.
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