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JPs jokes

Postby JP1 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 11:53 am

A woman sitting on a park bench decided that, since no one else was around, she could stretch out her legs a while.

Soon, a beggar walked up to her and said, "Hi ya, honey. How about a little kiss?" The offended woman snarled, "How dare you? I don't even know you!" T

he beggar replied, "I don't know you either, but yet here you are -- sitting on my bed!" :wink:
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
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Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 12:05 pm

A family are out shopping when the young son picked up a New Zealand football shirt and said to his sister, "I've decided to be a Kiwi supporter. I want this shirt for my birthday."

His sister was outraged, whacked him on the head, and screamed, "Talk to mum!"

The little lad took the blue football shirt to his mum. "Mum, I've decided to be a New Zealand supporter. I want this shirt for my birthday." His mother was outraged, whacked him on the head, and shouted, "Talk to your father!" So he did.

"Dad, I've decided to be a New Zealand supporter. I want this shirt for my birthday." His father is outraged and whacked his son on the head, bellowing, "No son of mine will ever be seen in that!"

An hour later, as they were driving home, his father said sternly, "Son, I hope you've learned your lesson today." The boy replied, "Yes, father, I have."

"Good. What did you learn?"

The son replied, "I've only been a New Zealand supporter for an hour and I already hate you aussies!"
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
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Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 12:06 pm

Two Irishmen walking down a road. Shamus shouts over to Paddy and says, Paddy there's a headstone here of man who died aged 181... Paddy shouts what was his name? Shamus says Miles from London..
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
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Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 12:13 pm

Quasimodo goes into the doctors asking to have his hump taken off... The Doctor says take of your top... he takes off 19 jackets, 15 jumpers, 10 shirts and 8 vests, the Doctor says when was you last at school.

Quasi thinks about it and says 32 years ago! The Doctor says did you not wonder what happended to your satchell...

Well thats enough for now, I'll get me coat :wink:
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
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Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby Chelle » Tue Nov 13, 2007 12:40 pm

LMAO :D :D
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Postby JP1 » Wed Nov 14, 2007 1:12 pm

OK a joke a day

A lady takes her daughter to the doctors. After examining her he says " Congratulations you're going to be a granmother"

The lady is shocked and says "That can't be doctor, my seventeen year old daughter is a virgin"

To which the doctor moved over to his window, opened the blinds and looked into the heavens.

The woman is puzzled and asks the doctor what he is doing?

The doctor replies "Last time this happened there was a huge bright star in the sky and three wise men brought gifts from far away, I don't want to miss the show" :wink:
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
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Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Thu Nov 15, 2007 12:25 pm

Two Kiwis are on a plane trip, one sitting by the window and the other in the middle seat. An Aussie comes onto the plane and sits in the isle seat beside them. He kicks off his shoes and proceeds to settle in for the flight.

One Kiwi looks at the other in disgust and states " I think I'm gonna need a beer", the Aussie says, that he would be happy to go get it for him. As he goes for the beer, one Kiwi picks up the Aussies shoe and spits in it. The Aussie returns with the beer and the other Kiwi says that he's gonna need a beer too. The Kiwi fan proceeds after the 2nd beer, and while he is away, the other Kiwi spits in the other shoe.

The Aussie returns with the other beer and they enjoy the rest of the flight. As the plane starts the descent for landing, the Aussie slips his feet into his shoes, and knows immediately what has happened.

He looks at the two Kiwis in disgust, and asks them how long, must this hatred between our countries continue; the mindless violence; the petty bickering; the spitting in shoes; the pIssing in beers? :wink:
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
User avatar
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Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Fri Nov 16, 2007 12:57 pm

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so where did you hide it?"

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I realise it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
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Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby chubbywife79 » Fri Nov 16, 2007 6:47 pm

:lol:
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Postby JP1 » Sat Nov 17, 2007 4:10 pm

Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, and bull$hits with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me anymore. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don’t need him anymore! You’re a United States Senator from New York running for President of The United States.

Act like one!
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
User avatar
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Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Sun Nov 18, 2007 11:02 am

Cowboy: That your dog?

Indian: Yep

Cowboy: Mind if I speak to him?”

Indian: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” (Pointing at the
Indian…)

Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treating you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food and takes me to the lake once a week to
play.”

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Indian: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing to the
Indian…)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treating you?”

Horse: “Pretty goo d, thanks for asking, he rides me,
brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to
protect me from the weather.”

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Indian: “Sheep lie.”
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
User avatar
JP1
 
Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby Playboy_bunny » Sun Nov 18, 2007 9:04 pm

HAhAHAHAHAHAHA LMAO :lol:
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Postby JP1 » Mon Nov 19, 2007 11:16 am

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye."
BOOM! BOOM!
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
User avatar
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Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:35 pm

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to charity."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
User avatar
JP1
 
Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby Playboy_bunny » Tue Nov 20, 2007 7:58 pm

LOL :P
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