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JPs jokes

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Postby JP1 » Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:00 pm

nice av :)
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
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Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby shelbel » Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:39 pm

I was thinking that too, Gracie, love your new bits and bobs! :wink:
Highest Weight - 93kgs
Current Weight - 68.3kgs
Goal Weight - 65kgs

The wise man Stephen King once said - The only way to go on, is to go on. To say 'i can do this' even when you know you cant

You'll find me in the almost there section :)
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Postby JP1 » Thu Nov 22, 2007 10:05 pm

Three engineers and three lawyers were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The lawyers took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three lawyers crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
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JP1
 
Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Thu Nov 22, 2007 10:11 pm

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
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Posts: 3826
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Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby opal630 » Thu Nov 22, 2007 10:59 pm

:lol: Ain't that the truth
Image
First Mini Goal - 95 kilos: Done; Second Mini Goal - 90 kilos
SW: 102.8
CW: 93.8
GW: 56 -- reward = walking tour of Italy (my dream)
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Postby Ally » Wed Dec 19, 2007 9:07 am

hehehehhee Loved them all......keep them coming!!!
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wGLHYSm/]
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[/url]
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Postby JP1 » Thu Jan 17, 2008 7:28 pm

Married Humor
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : "Nothing."
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
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JP1
 
Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Thu Jan 17, 2008 7:29 pm

Stress Reliever
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."
Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
User avatar
JP1
 
Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Thu Jan 17, 2008 7:30 pm

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
User avatar
JP1
 
Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Thu Jan 17, 2008 7:30 pm

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of humor."
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
User avatar
JP1
 
Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Postby JP1 » Fri Jan 18, 2008 8:38 pm

In 1986, Dan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his wife.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his wife were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
User avatar
JP1
 
Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Re: JPs jokes

Postby JP1 » Tue Feb 05, 2008 2:25 pm

A guy is on his deathbed and he turns to his wife and says.

"I have something I must confess to you."

"There is no need to", his wife replied.

"No, no, I must" he gasped ...

"I wanna die in peace" . ..

He gulped out ...

"I was unfaithful with your sister , your best mate, her best mate and your mum"...

His wife sighed, "I know , now just rest and let the rat poison work." :wink:
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
User avatar
JP1
 
Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

Re: JPs jokes

Postby Tummygirl » Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:26 pm

JP your jokes are fantastic!!!!
Cassie xox

Starting Weight 140 kg
Loss To Date 5 kg
Current Weight 135 KG
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Re: JPs jokes

Postby EvilWombatQueen » Wed Feb 06, 2008 7:01 pm

Best. Jokes. EVER! :lol:
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Re: JPs jokes

Postby JP1 » Fri Feb 08, 2008 2:28 pm

EvilWombatQueen wrote:Best. Jokes. EVER! :lol:

it's the way I tell 'em :wink:

ok here's a corny one...

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO shoud be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU!
Highs : 107 Kg (24 Sept 2007) : 113.5 Kg (12 Jan 2014) : 112.5 Kg (26 Jan 2016)
Current :99.2 Kg (31 May 2016)
Lows : 78.4 Kg (20 May 2008) : 87.4 Kg (on 16 Dec in both 2009 & 2010) : 82.9 Kg (14 Apr 2011) : 87.1 Kg (4 Jul 2011) : 90.5 Kg (14 Jul 2014)
Target : 94 Kgs by 15th Jul
User avatar
JP1
 
Posts: 3826
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:31 pm
Location: Gold Coast, Queensland

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