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Irish Jokes

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Irish Jokes

Postby Dolly » Tue Jul 25, 2006 10:47 pm

Two Irishmen in London looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street.

After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive, but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right, so you are, will you have a look at that. "Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00". I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin, so we would."

Paddy is in total agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay Taxes and Duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're going to export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got an idea! Out of the pair of us, you can do the best English accent. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking; you just stand there and look English."

So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where the owner greets Paddy politely. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Cockney impression:

"Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of 'Strides'. And if yer don't mind, I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'.

On hearing this, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish, aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be'Jesus. Mary Mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent. How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"

The Owner replies: "This is a Dry Cleaners".
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Postby Dolly » Tue Jul 25, 2006 10:48 pm

A wee bit of Irish humor

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the
wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
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Postby Dolly » Tue Jul 25, 2006 10:50 pm

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop
on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this
several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the! tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken censored!"
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