The Diary of a Dog
8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my family! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Diary of a Cat
It is day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with
bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only
thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust
them, I vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was
some sort of assembly of their acc omplices tonight. I was placed in
solitary co nfinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it
to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was
walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe....... for now.