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I'm doing it for me!... right?

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I'm doing it for me!... right?

Postby Juddy » Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:35 am

I've reached a critical point, and I'm conflicted (like many on this forum).

I've found myself defending my desire to go from the group "Almost There" to actually reaching my goal and maintaining it.

My goal is is basically the same as everyone else's - I want to be happy with myself, and I think I will be much happier when I'm about 3 kilos lighter and have that body I've always dreamt of having.

People keep telling me that I'm fine, and that I don't need to lose weight... but I've realised I want to be more than fine, I want to be really good, better than good - ultimate dream body that if you told me 5 years ago that I'd have a body like that, I'd probably burst out laughing and tell you to stop teasing me.

It was after a couple of months of my mission to reach this final goal, that I realised I wasn't sure if I'd EVER be happy... and when asked "Are you doing it for you or for what others will think of you?" I immediately said "For me, but..."

It got me thinking, why do I want to be that awesome-looking guy that I've always dreamt of looking like?

I realised, I am doing it for me, but because of others. I actually thought back to a time that I was oblivious to my weight - I remember running and then sliding along that crocodile slide in my bathers when I was younger... I didn't have a problem with how I looked, kids dont seem to be very conscious at all until they get a bit older.

It was through teasing that I realised I was fat (I've said this before, but trying to make a new point out of it - rather than sound like, 'wah wah, I was teased, wah')... then when I myself started becoming conscious of my physical state, that I felt more embarressed and aware that I wasn't like those thin boys.

I began to cover-up my state because I accepted my fate as being a fat kid. I used to wear this vest to help conceal my man boobs! My dad tried to throw them out, which was probably not the best way of helping me - I eventually recovered it and kept wearing it.

It didn't help when 'friends' would grab my chest. They'd joke around when doing it. I don't know exactly why - just to be mean I guess, or maybe that was the closest they'd get to female breasts!

I don't remember ever going to the beach with friends. There may have been once at schoolies but I stayed in the water, and rushed back to put my shirt back on so the girls wouldn't see the body I was so ashamed of (and that was AFTER I'd lost about 15-20 kilos).

... I could keep going!

But now, as I'm approaching my goal, some of the same people who grabbed my man boobs and teased me at school and all that crap... ask me the questions "Why do you want to lose weight?" "Why don't you take your shirt off?" "Why don't you wear tight clothing?"

Well, I'll tell you why! There's a flaw in one of my friends theories... "I figure I'm doing fat people a favour by teasing them, because they'll be encouraged to lose weight!" - true, they'll probably be forced to lose weight out of desperation to stop the bullying... but after they've lost the weight, they'll probably have it burnt into their head that they'll fat and develop a self-image problem... OR they'll just refuse to stop because they've come this far and they want to be the best they can!

So, friends, THAT's why!

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Postby jess_jess » Fri Jan 18, 2008 7:29 am

Juddy, i can identify with your post so much. Its like when I am getting ready for a night out and i will be having am inner tantrum because "nothing looks good", or "i wore that last week" or thats out of fashion now but its the only thing that hides my fat arse" and my boyfriend just cant understand why i am getting upset.

Its becase what we wear, how we present ourselves is not just to feel that we "look nice" its becase our friends will judge us, as a girl I do not dress to be attractive to males - i dress to keep up with my female friends, to be considered "normal" and part of the crowd.
No one wants to be the odd one out and as a person who has had a weight problem most of my life I definately know how it feels to want to look like everyone else.
Its funny though because once you have developed a body image complex it doesnt matter what you look like - in your own eyes you are very rarely able to see yourself as others do.
At my smallest in highschool (i lost about 10 kgs from walking to and from school everyday) the b i t c h y girls who used to call me fat asked me "are you anorexic?" and when i looked in the mirror I still saw a fat person. Even when I look back now at photos I WISH i had of enjoyed being thin instead of dressing as a larger person and thinking i was overweight when i clearly wasnt.

As hard as it is to do you have to take on the positive words of others when they tell you that you look great, or that you dont need to loose anymore weight. Ive seen your photos and you DO look great!

Its great that you want to be the best you can be, there's nothing wrong with having goals. But on the other hand you dont want to look back in years to come and wish you had of enjoyed being young and being comfortable with yourself instead of wasting energy and emotion being forever unsatisfied.

I am struggling right alongside you Juddy to feel comfortable in my own skin, all I can say is you have done an AMAZING job to get to where you are and you should be PROUD of yourself and your body! I WOULD BE!!

just remember - expectations are only worth living up to if they are your own.
jess :)
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Postby Bri » Fri Jan 18, 2008 8:54 am

I hope you don't mind me adding my two cents worth.

I can relate to how you are feeling, I'm only at the beginning of my weightloss journey so at the moment I do dress as a large person, you know the whole deal covering up the fat upper arms, making sure I don't wear anything to tight that will show the rolls of fat around my tummy etc.

but I also dress for another reason, as a child I was sexually abused and I have started to realise I also dress because of that and it frustrates me to no end.

as a girl I do not dress to be attractive to males - i dress to keep up with my female friends, to be considered "normal" and part of the crowd.

Jess what you have said here I do the opposite but would give anything to dress a bit more girlier not for anyone else but for me but I don't because of what i percieve others to think of me.
Mum to three kids, second mum to my 18yo sister, and married to the biggest kid my DH. Also pet mummy to one dog, two cats and three fish.
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Postby Czarina » Fri Jan 18, 2008 11:02 am

jess_jess wrote: when i looked in the mirror I still saw a fat person. Even when I look back now at photos I WISH i had of enjoyed being thin instead of dressing as a larger person and thinking i was overweight when i clearly wasnt.

I can relate to this so much, in my teens I a lost quite a bit of weight and became a size 10-12, but I still thought I was huge! I had people everywhere in my life telling me how great I looked but I didn't believe them. The other day I came across some photos of myself from that time and could only feel sad that I didn't know what I had acheived, and never felt that I was good enough...I just hope that this time around I can give myself a pat on the back and know that there is no such thing as 'perfect' and be happy with myself.
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Postby senoritanita » Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:29 pm

i'm familiar with this situation too. When I was about 18 I decided I needed to be 50 kilos like all my friends (I was about 68) so I went on a very strict vegetarian diet & overdid it at the gym. As the kilos fell off I was waiting for me to become this perfect bodied girl, and when I passed the 50kg mark down to 46kgs it still hadn't happened. I remember trying on a bikini in a shop and wondering how I could still possibly not be happy with what I saw in the mirror after all the effort.

Obviously we are our own worst critic & we will never look perfect in our own eyes, I know I often think other people are ridiculous when they criticise themselves & I think they look good. I guess though making such a rapid change from a body so far from your ideal you want all the work to pay off in the ultimate way once the weight is gone. In reality doing that is all in the mind.
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Postby Juddy » Fri Jan 18, 2008 4:29 pm

It is good to hear similar stories from people, I mean, not that the situations themselves are good - but the sense of not being alone.

Thank you Jess, I really do appreciate the comments. I guess it will be a thing I have to work out for myself! Photos are a good way of doing this - I can see a difference, but it's almost as if the moment the photo is taken, it becomes a representation of me rather than what I really am like... some of this is because like most photos, you try to make yourself look your best, and no matter how hard you try - you're never happy.

Like, why do we smile for the camera? As if we won't know later on, when we see the photo, that we weren't actually smiling before or after the photo?

It saddens me to hear these stories from others and my immediate response is that everyone here is beautiful and shouldn't worry about how they look to others... And it's true - and it makes me realise how hypocritical I am, but I can't help it...

I'm sorry, bri, to hear about your childhood troubles. Child abuse is a terrible thing and doesn't seem to get enough thought from society... I won't go into it to much, because again, it's a personal thing.

Thank you all for listening and sharing.
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Postby rivenriver » Mon Jan 21, 2008 1:26 pm

*gives hug*
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