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Help me hubby, pleeease!

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Help me hubby, pleeease!

Postby losebabyfat_2005 » Mon May 01, 2006 6:42 am

I'm trying to rest up(after having my tubes tied on fri afternoon) but getting my husband to help me is a wee bit of a battle. He sighs just about every time I ask him to pick my daughter up or change her nappy (kneeling on the floor is a bit painful) He told me yesterday that he moved out of home as soon as he could so he didn't have to look after his 2 younger sisters all the time.

I have 1 younger sister that I babysit whenever my mum needs me too (she's turning 12 this year so I'll only need to for a couple more years any way but that's not the point)

Is it just me or is my 21 year old husband just being immature and not wanting to take any responsibility. I only need his help until this Friday or Saturday anyway.

Thankfully he's taken my daughter out for a couple of hours and I can rest completely (the first time I've been able to relax completely in what seems like years)

Sorry if I'm whinging too much, just had to get it off my chest.

Tanya (20)
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Postby Livy » Mon May 01, 2006 7:33 am

Hi Tanya... Men can be such buggers at times can't they? I have 2 daughters, a 5 year old, and a 14 month old, and my husband takes Mikaela out to his work often, but NEVER looks after the little one Tara. I don't live near family, and don't believe in daycare, so I am with my children 24/7. I started a new stay at home business a few months ago, and it's really hard to do it with 2 kids! Yesterday, Tara the baby was downstairs in the garden with me, and David was down there too. I popped upstairs to grab something and discovered a few emails that I had to reply to. I asked David if he could watch the baby just for a few minutes while I replied to the emails and he said NO!!! It's just too much of an inconvenience for him! He has chaned her nappy TWICE in her whole life, and won't look after her until she is 4 or so, and before then, it's just too hard.
We are in our 30s, so I don't think it's got anything to do with immaturity. It's just men being men.
Shame on your husband for not wanting to help out while you are recovering. How totally selfish..... Ironically, I'm sure if HE had a vasectomy, you would be expected to wait on him hand and foot.... Try not to let it get to you....You're not alone.
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Postby losebabyfat_2005 » Mon May 01, 2006 7:47 am

Thanks for your reply, it brought a big :D to my face.It's so good to know it's not just my man that's like this, I guess maybe it's a guy thing, dunno....

I'll try not to let it get me down like it did yesterday.


~HUGs~

Tanya
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Postby Groovychic » Mon May 01, 2006 8:27 am

Hi Tanya. You need to put your foot down with your hubby. Tell him if you start picking up your little one that there is a large chance that you will cause some damage and end up back in hospital, and then he would have to help you longer!!! I'm actually quite surprised that he isn't being more understanding. And the same with your hubby Livie. My partner never really liked to change nappies. Certainly didn't mind the wet ones but if they were a pooey one then he really didnt want to do it. He told me that mother's can block that smell out!!!! hahaha. As for the rest of their care, well he didn't get up in the night for them, but I never asked him to because he had to go to work the next day. And he has always started work at around 6am so I figured that I could get some rest during the day but he couldnt. I started working when my daughter was 12 months old and I worked mainly weekends with a few days during the week when they were little, and he would look after the kids while I was at work on the weekends. I had a dear friend whom would look after them during the week, and half the time would never accept any money from me. So I worked it out and bought her things instead!!! So my partner had the kids pretty much every weekend. He wasn't, and still isn't, one for helping much in the house. But that's ok because he does everything outside. We started living together when I was 18 and he was 20 and we made a deal that I would do the inside stuff if he did the outside stuff. I'm not into gardening and things, so he accepted that. He is also the youngest of 8 kids, with 4 sisters whilst growing up!!! So he really didn't have to help much inside the house. And he went straight from his mother's place to us living together, so I sort of think I made a rod for my own back with not making him do the dishes and things!!! I guess the worse thing for me is that he doesn't pick up after himself, and the kids slip into that habit every now and then. So I firmly kick them up the backside(not literally mind you!) and make them pick up. They have to tidy their own rooms, they even vacuum them. It gets much easier as the kids get older. But as far as looking after them when they were little, he never complained about that. I'm sure he probably got fed up at times, but I certainly had the care of them the bulk of the time. And child number 2 was entirely his idea as I was sticking to the 1 only theory!!! So I guess he thought he better not complain too much. Plus she adored him, still does. I guess it's what you call Daddy's little girl! She is always outside doing things with him. Follows him around like a lost sheep. Whereas Alex doesn't tend to do that. Loves to go and do things like fishing etc with him but would rather sit on his bum inside reading a book or watching tv etc. HHHMMM more like me in my manner!!! anyway I am way off track here. I think Tanya you just have to sit down and explain to him that your little girl is part of you both and every now and then the care needs to be shared. You want her to have a good relationship with her father. Not one of those kids that hardly sees their father, or mother in some cases.
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Postby Dolly » Mon May 01, 2006 9:09 am

Hi Tanya, I found that everytime my husband was being unreasonable I would secretly write it all down in a little note book that I kept hidden in my personals drawer.
After a year or two I would re read it and if he had improved I would throw away the evidence, but writing it down always made me feel so much better.

Is there any chance you could phone his mother to come and stay for a few days, I'm sure she would love to see how un helpful her son has become.

Or phone the doctor to send in a voluntary silver chain nurse as you need somone for about a week while you stay in bed.
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Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Mon May 01, 2006 8:54 pm

By jimeny if they were my men they'd be out on their f*****g ear!!! You went through 9 months gestation with swollen ankles, piles, varicose veins, achy backs, mood swings, then LABOUR (and let's just pray it was under 20 hours) to have THEIR kid which they had to do what to conceive? Oh right, only their second favourite thing in the whole world, after either eating, crapping or playing with their car. You THEN HAD YOUR TUBES TIED which will result in internal bleeding possibly causing DEATH to their alleged most loved person in the world if you do any bending lifting etc and they won't lift a finger to help? Screw that for a barrel of monkeys, there'd be no eye-rolling or sighing in my house. It took 2 to make them, it takes 2 to raise them in my book.
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Postby Groovychic » Mon May 01, 2006 9:08 pm

OOOOOOO that was so well put Tegan!!! I have tears I am laughing that much. But you are so right there! I'm happy with what my partner does to raise the kids. He is at the moment playing fish with them on the lounge room floor! He does all those sorts of things! Plus he is being a great soccer dad for Alex at the moment, which is great cos I don't know the first thing about soccer. And parents are meant to have a ref and someone for the side lines or something, not sure what that person is called!!! See I don't know much about it! I'll just stick with the screaming from the side lines and doing the fundraising. Speaking of which, we are having a walk-a-thon on sunday. it's only 4.5ks but we are getting the kids to do it. Plus a few parents will walk with them. I'm going to be. So pray for fine weather for us on Sunday please! Don't want to wear a raincoat!
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Postby losebabyfat_2005 » Thu May 04, 2006 5:01 am

Thanks for all your support, everyone. Ironically on Dr Phil yesterday it was about husbands that don't behave well with the wives on the show to get some good advice from Dr Phil and my husband came home right in the middle of the programme.

I wasn't impressed with him yesterday because he forced me to have censored with him (it hurt) and made me feel crap emotionally all day.

I had a talk to him about our issues and he says he'll try to change but I don't know about that.
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Postby Hayleyd » Thu May 04, 2006 7:34 am

Hi There,

HE FORCED YOU TO HAVE censored WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT THE.......................

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Postby Dolly » Thu May 04, 2006 9:23 am

It's against the law for a husband to demand censored from his wife if she doesn't want it, even if she eventually submitted (which would probably be normal)
If I were you I'd write the time and the day that this incident (marital rape) occured and chat to any doctor when you next see them. It will at least be on record even if you don't lay any charges with the police.

censored is something that's supposed to be giving and loving for both partners when and if the moment arises, not a release for your husbands pent up urges. He should have been putting your feelings first especially since you're still sore from the surgery less than a week ago.
If this happens again, tell lots of people how he behaves, tell his mother, tell your mother, if enough people are told he might feel shamed into being more caring.
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Postby carleyjt » Thu May 04, 2006 11:55 am

Holly crap :o . Sorry bout the language but i am in shock. There is no way you should be feeling the way you do. If my other half even thought about half the stuff yours does he would be sleeping in his precious car (thats if i didnt blow it up first :) )

I probably sound harsh but i wouldnt take it and by the sounds of it he should be respecting and looking after you not thinking about himself. You have to take charge and think about you for once. Yes you probably love him and he isnt always like that but that in no way compensates for making you feel like crap. Concentrate on healing and then i think you may have to take a look at what you want in life and how you want to feel. We only get one chance. Good luck
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Postby Groovychic » Thu May 04, 2006 11:57 am

I'm just astounded with your hubby Tanya. That is not on at all! You need to tell him that. And certainly give him time to change but if he doesn't then you need to rethink your life with him. And Dolly is right about telling his mother. It's important for her to know what her son is like. If my son treats his wife or partner without the respect she deserves he'll be getting a big old slap from his mum! He's only 10 so I don't have to worry about that for a while!
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Postby Dolly » Thu May 04, 2006 12:30 pm

My SIL just dropped over for a visit and she said her friend wasn't allowed to lift anything heavy for 6 weeks let alone a child after she had the same op done. I hope you're feeling okay and no damage was done to your surgery wounds.
I also pray your talk with him makes him nicer towards you, you deserve the best.
We're your online sisters and will be here for you anytime you need to talk.

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Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Fri May 05, 2006 8:41 pm

1) you should never be forced into having censored when you don't want it. As has been said, that is called rape, regardless if the person is your husband. You have the right to say no and the right to have that respected. You also have the right to feel safe and the right to make it known when you feel that you are being pushed beyond what you want.
2) given the surgery you have just had it probably wasn't a good idea anyway and no wonder it hurt.

Please find a counsellor/doctor/any professional to talk to as it sounds like your husband may be a) not quite understsnding how his behaviour is affecting you or b) manipulating and controlling you which is not a good sign

Your feelings do matter, so when you talk with your husband please remember that and don't be scared to let him know how you feel about what he has done.
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15kg gained again (as at October 2010).
Back to the drawing board - Let's do this thing!

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"Reach out and take control of what lands in your lap"

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Postby KimE » Fri May 05, 2006 11:34 pm

Tanya I agree with the others here that is not acceptable and I am sad that you had to go through that and feel so bad emotionally. Be strong and talk to someone about what happened, even better if both of you could talk all your issues out with a counsellor.

Right now you need as much rest and time to heal as you can get these operations don't just take a toll physically but can affect your total well being. If your hubby is unwilling to help is there someone else who can? Even if to give you a few hours a day.
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