I remember the first time I over ate. I was pretty young, probably about 11 and I had a chocolate chip muesli bar. My Dad was down in the backyard and my Mum was out so I went and grabbed another one because they just tasted so good! And then I grabbed a third one...I've never been thin though, I was always chubby even when I was young. As a family we never ate any really bad stuff. Ice cream was a rare occassion on a weekend but I think the "wholesome family meals" is what did it. You'd have your vegetables and your meat but also potato and pasta and sometimes bread but it wasn't anyone's fault because it was just the way families ate, as cheap as possible while addressing the healthier or essential food groups.
Of course, as I got older and started high school we would still have the wholesome meals but morning tea and afternoon tea was such a big deal back then and sweet things like muesli bars and chocolate yoghurts etc. were no longer a treat, they were a lunchbox item. They were easy and I loved them. Even then I was big girl, bigger than most anyway but I didn't see myself as really fat or anything. But once high school begins you soon realise what exactly boys see as fat and ugly and what they see as pretty and skinny. I got bullied a lot in high school because I was overweight and had really bad acne for a lot of that time and my best friend was tall and thin. This really didn't help the way I felt and I was depressed for a lot of those years even though I never realised it. So many people had painted a picture of depression as just being a bit sad every now and then so I never thought anything of it. In Grade 10 I finally addressed that something was definitely wrong and got help. After that I went through a stage where I never ate at school. I would have my diet coke for morning tea and lunch and gorge when I got home. I probably lost about 10kg as I started doing Karate as well for about a year and a half but every time I tried to seriously diet something would get me down and I would stop.
I also found that once I earned my own money I would buy whatever I wanted to eat because I could. Because I wanted it and it tasted good and I could afford it. So I did. Once school finished, I realised that a few people had actually found me attractive in school but never said anything. This boosted my self-esteem a lot and I gradually became more and more comfortable with myself and didn't care about my weight issues for a long time. All this time I was still going through depression and trying to find friends and start relationships and watched them end. Being young is a pretty hard time and food was an all round comfort. And because guys still found me attractive I just shrugged it off and kept eating badly.
I ended up in a relationship that was really good to begin with, I thought he was the one. As most people do when they have their first seriously relationship LOL. But I was too comfortable around him and we were too similar. He had his own issues while I was trying to deal with mine and he was a total jerk about the whole situation. We drifted apart and broke up after 10 months and that was when my brain clicked. I weighed 101kg and I was so unhappy with my life and my weight that I had to change something! So I joined the gym and created my own eating plan and got down to 73kg by the end of 2006. I met my current partner and kept the weight off for quite some time but again, the comfort zone sucked me in and I knew I'd always have his love no matter what!
What a bad excuse, eh? I knew I wanted to be slim and happy and healthy for myself and for him but at that point it all just felt too hard. Like I'd already done it before and couldn't seem to motivate myself to do it again. Everything I tried was too slow and I'd get impatient and have a stuff up weekend that turned into a week and then a whole month of bad food. Seeing photos of myself from not even that long ago really woke me up to myself. Because I wasn't thin then but I looked a hell of a lot better than I do now. I was shocked! I don't want to be that 101kg girl again who is unhappy and directionless.
I have worked so hard to make my life so happy and fulfilling, to follow my dreams. And this is the biggest dream of them all. I need to concur my "need" to over eat and eat bad foods. I'm killing my body and those foods make me feel worse so I should be avoiding them! Good food tastes good and makes me FEEL good and my current shakes diet has made me realise just how much I overate. If my body is coping with a low calorie diet with minimal hunger then how was I eating so much before!? It's insane!
Anyway, wow, I rambled on a lot
This thread is a great idea!