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Thought I would share this

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Thought I would share this

Postby Livy » Sun Nov 05, 2006 6:39 am

Hey Guys,
I just posted this to my weightloss group....I am so miserable in this body again... I don't believe I am the same weight I was 20 months ago after I gave birth. I just hate it.

I have really been in a total weight frenzy for the last few days, hence the many emails you would have all been receiving with me as the sender.

Last night, I lay in bed for hours and hours thinking about everything. My plight, your plight, and what we are doing about it. I sat there at the computer screen until my eyes hurt, highlighting all the numbers on there that were relevant to me. (1000 reasons to lose weight) There were just so many. You know what, it made me so sad... not just reading the thoughts that were my own, typed by someone else, but to read what others had written. The absolute hurt and torment that fat people go through on a daily basis. Not feeling that they are attractive enough to get a man. Making love with the lights out because they are so ashamed of their bodies. Feeling like nobody can ever love them or find them worthy. Not feeling worthy enough to be alive. Tears flowed as I made my way through the list, because allot of the hurt those ladies are feeling are also daily battles I have too. I am only a size 18, not HUGE... but huge enough. Huge enough for all those things to be relevant to me. I should be 30kgs lighter than I am, and yet I have been overweight for so many years, and it's come on so gradually, I guess I have kind of gotten used to my tummy rubbing on itself, and my thighs rubbing together. My body has adjusted to me being covered in a thick layer of yellow, suffocating fat.

You know, it puts me in mind of self harming. You know, people in pain emotionally and psychologically, and they cut themselves, or burn themselves to try and escape that pain and suffering. We are self harming. WE are the reasons we are so fat. We can try and blame our past, our present, or whatever, but ultimately we have to take full responsibility for the way we look. It IS our fault we are like this. I read that Emotional eating article yesterday, and it really made alot of sense to me. Food is like a placebo!! I am an idiot!! I think that EATING is going to make me feel better in the mind and soul???? GO FIGURE!! I mean come on, I think I am a pretty bright spark, but seriously, can anyone be so dumb? To think that eating enough food to feed 4 men, growing bigger and bigger by the day will make me feel better? I am totally abusing my body. I am so tired all the time, I sleep during the day with the baby, when I should be out and about, doing housework, studying and using my time more wisely. My poor body. I am tired because it has to work sooo dang(I love this American word!!) hard all the time!! My heart has to work so much harder to keep the blood circulating, my bones have to work hard to support my massive frame, and my poor old organs have to digest so much food that they were ever designed to. If my body could talk it would be crying uncontrollably saying "Olivia, stop, you are killing me, I am hurting, why are you doing this, I can not keep going for much longer!!". The thing is, I am in good health, I have no disease, I am flexible, I have NO health problems at all and I have 2 gorgeous children. I don't experience any kind of pain. I have not one excuse for not exercising. I don't have one excuse to not get out there every day and go for a walk. I have not one excuse for not doing Emma's workout 3 times a week. That's all that it says I have to do, 3 times a week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. OMG... that is a piece of cake!! Why can't I do that?

I was reading the Southbeach board yesterday, and this one lady was asked how she was doing it.... how she was losing the weight, and sticking to the diet. She said she was no different to a drug addict or an alcoholic. Some days were harder than others. Some days she could go the whole day without even thinking about a chocolate bar, or a piece of cake, or fatty pork. Some days she could go until lunchtime, until she started to struggle. Sometimes she lasted 5 minutes. It's all about taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Just like an alcoholic, who says, "I can do it, I can go 1 more hour without a drink." EVERY SINGLE THING WE PUT IN OUR MOUTH IS A DECISION. A decision to fuel our body with good, wholesome food to stay alive, or a decision to be unhappy and humiliated, ashamed, and fat for one more day. In thinkslim, the hypnotherapies says "We are tomorrow, what we eat today." Each bite of anything we eat, is making a choice. A choice to live another day as someone we don't want to be. You know what I hate? I hate not being in control. I feel like I should be in a mental institution. I have no control of my life. I am a free, law abiding, mother of 2, living in a home, with food, with water, with clean clothes and clean air. Yet, I have no control over myself. I sat there yesterday, and just ate all day. I just kept putting food in my mouth, ALL DAY. Was I hungry?? NOPE... however, I just didn't seem to care... I am just so sick of people ignoring me. Feeling invisible was mentioned on that list. Hey, that's me. Years ago, when I was slim, MEN LOVED ME... I couldn't walk down the street, without being whistled at, or hollered at. It's funny, because even now, it's like if I'm not looking at a mirror, I still imagine I am beautiful. The other day in town, I had my 9 inch wedges on, a gorgeous flowing velvet skirt, nice top, full makeup, my hair all done nicely. I walked past these 2 young good-looking guys (a rarity in a small country town) and they didn't even look up as they walked past me. I know this sounds strange, but it really hurt me. It hurt me that I feel like I'm not even worth looking at.

My sister is 40 (10 years older than me),and she said to me the other day "You could dress like me you know if you were slim". I got all shitty and said that I didn't want to dress like her (she is 55kgs, but dresses like Mutton dressed as lamb)... but that isn't the point is it? The point is that I should have a CHOICE about what I wear. I should have the choice to wear a shortish skirt if I feel like it, and not have it not even be a consideration. I want to have choices again. I also often feel ashamed for my husband when we go somewhere, He is tiny (55kgs), and I look at us together, and in reality I am 30kgs heavier than him. He tried to pick me up the other day, and he hurt his back!! How humiliating! I wonder if he is going to introduce me with pride, or with embarrassment. I wonder what goes through his head?

The bottom line is this. There are no guarantees in this life. There is no guarantee that tomorrow I will even be alive. I have no idea what the future holds. But, I do know that I have to regain control of my life. I don't want to spend the next 10 years like the last 10 (in all it's 10kgs phases), I want to take control of my eating TODAY. I am going to go for a walk TODAY. I am going to try Emma's workout she designed for me TODAY. I am going to make each thing I put in my mouth a conscious decision TODAY. I DO HAVE CONTROL. I have control of TODAY... this moment, the next few moments. Time is so precious. It's not about new years resolutions, or a fresh start next year, or when I detox, or when I southbeach, it's about TODAY. Seize the day. Life is so precious. Let's not waste another moment worrying about what people think, feeling bad about ourselves, or being fat a moment longer. I got on the scales this morning, and I was 84.5kgs. :( So I haven't completely undone my hard work, or gone back up to 87(my heaviest weight), there is still hope! :oops:

I was back to 85kgs this morning. Yesterday I stuck to my word, a very low calorie day, 2 full personal trainer workouts, and 2 km walks. I just have to be consistant, that's my problem! :lol:
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Postby Ally » Sun Nov 05, 2006 7:08 am

Thank you Livy. Things suddenly become a bit clearer.
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Postby KimE » Sun Nov 05, 2006 7:23 am

Thanks for sharing your emotional journey Livy I can certainly identify with the things you wrote.

You are absolutely right about TODAY....because there is no tomorrow there is only today. There is only the moment you are in at any given time....the question is what are you going to do with that time, with that given moment.

I love your quote too...
"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
- Lao-Tzu

....very relevant to this weight loss journey.
Kim - To thine own self be true
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Postby Dolly » Sun Nov 05, 2006 7:41 am

Hi Livy,
you indeed have captured and shared the depth of hurt many of us have felt but have been unable to express. Thankyou so much for doing that.

What you say is so true, many of us have husbands that we have trouble standing next to because their being ultra thin makes us look super plump when next to them.

I personally think before we venture into losing weight, we should work out our resting phase weight loss (how many calories our bodies need to lose weight without doing exercise)
Because I suffer with a thyroid gland problem I'm only able to consume about 450 calories and still lose weight (I know because of the few days I've had in bed unable to exercise)
So if I want to lose weight AND eat a decent meal, I have to at least walk around the block a couple of times in the day.

Our bodies are so sensitive and delicately individual responding to medication, even hormonal imbalances can make us gain 3 kilo in a week.

So come on girls, it's time for us to take off our fat coats.
Lets understand our bodies individual responses better.
1) We must drink our 8 glasses of water to lose weight.
2) prepare for visits by having our own goodies bag to have with a coffee (try using your 2 daily servings of fruit)
3} go make ourselves a couple of diet jellies right now.
4) If we are too ill to go out and exercise then we can just bounce up and down in a jogging motion with our feet not leaving the ground, the main thing is to get that neck pulse moving (find a tv show and move during the commercial breaks)
5) lets find an old thin picture of ourselves or get our face photo stuck on a magazine model and keep the picture near where we sit the most. I have mine blu tac'd by the computer.
It's important to set our brain with an image of what we should look like.

Livy is right when she says "Let's not waste another moment worrying about what people think".
I've alway's gone out in public with my over blouse on hoping to hide my fat upper arms from the outside world (I'm not hiding anymore) We have to face what's there to win this daily battle with our bulge.

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Postby Fairie » Sun Nov 05, 2006 7:41 am

Being overweight can make us so hard on ourselves and we feel every little remark people say about our weight.

You are not alone and it takes a lot of courage to share our thoughts Livy, hope things get better soon.
-Fay-

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Postby Ally » Sun Nov 05, 2006 7:48 am

Here Here Dolly !!!!
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Sun Nov 05, 2006 7:51 am

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Liv i know how you feel. its like you took the words right out of my mouth. i think of junk food everyday- it is like a drug. here i am going off about the smell of cigarettes but people who smoke are doing damage to their bodies just like people who eat junk food all day long.

i would also like to wear what i want. i dont want to be trashy but i am 21 years old and want to be able to dress like a young 21 year old girl. in the past i have had to avoid shops like surf stores and girly shops because i couldnt find anything in my size and they would look down on me if i even walked in there because it felt like they thought 'she doesnt belong in here' kinda like julia roberts in pretty woman! now that ive gone from a 18 to a 14 im gaining more confidence.

keep your chin up liv and thanks for saying what we are all thinking!!!
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Postby Mandie » Sun Nov 05, 2006 9:27 am

Livy - I don't know what to say, you've said it all!

Please try to remember what you have worked out - one day, one hour, one MINUTE at a time.. you will get there.

Keep up the great work mate!
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Postby hushpuppy » Sun Nov 05, 2006 9:40 am

You have said how most of us have been at one time or another . I guess its like driving a car . If we put in dirty fuel and dont put water in the radiator and give it a good clean it starts running like crap and soon stops . If we put in the good fuel she is a dream much like oursevles . When i first begun my journey it was second by second . i then worked up to min by min now its day by day . I sure have had days of thinking of chucking it in but in the long run my thinking is im doing this FOR ME and ME derserves it . Chin up mate . As long as we all have the great support system we have here on the forum we can all acheive our goals . NO matter how long it takes
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Postby slimmindown » Sun Nov 05, 2006 3:01 pm

Livy, that was certainly an accurate read. It is nice to know that the people reading your thoughts can completely understand what you are saying and feeling. I know I surely can and do.

If it was like other addictions smoking ,alcohol, we could just go cold turkey, but we have to eat and that makes our recovery so much harder.

One thing about the guys in the street, it shouldnt matter what they think of you, what does matter is what YOU think of you. You should be proud of yourself and your decision to loose weight and be happier in your own skin. I certainly can see a very strong and intelligent woman, in the above post.

You can do it Livvy, and you have the support and admiration of the other people on this forum. What you said was from the heart and a true reflection of how I know I have felt many a time.:cry:

We can do it together, you deserve to wake up each morning feeling proud of yourself for your decisions you made the day before with regards to eating and exercise.
Well done for your choices to exercise and change how you fell on the inside. You have certainly inspired me, with your honesty and courage :)
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Postby Livy » Mon Nov 06, 2006 6:25 am

Thankyou all for your kind and encoraging replies.

"If it was like other addictions smoking ,alcohol, we could just go cold turkey, but we have to eat and that makes our recovery so much harder"

Slimming down (what is your first name??), you are so right. I have given up smoking, and I chewed gum, the nicotine stuff, before swapping to normal. I did this to replace my habit. Giving up smoking was the hardest thing I have EVER done, bar trying to lose 30kgs that is.
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Postby slimmindown » Mon Nov 06, 2006 10:32 am

Hey livvy my first name is Debbie.

I'm glad you feel the support. We are all here for you :)
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Postby Groovychic » Mon Nov 06, 2006 10:50 am

It is hard to do Livy. But remember you gave up smoking so you have enough will power to lose weight. We all do if we dig deep. I too love my junk food. Even if I am not hungry I will eat it. And I want to get out of that habit as soon as possible. And stop making the excuses so I can feel better about eating it!!!
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Postby Tina » Mon Nov 06, 2006 2:33 pm

Everything you said makes so much sense. And I can certainly agree that I have said and felt pretty much all of those things before and continue to feel around some super skinny friends of mine. It always feels as if they are looking down on you.

I never really thought of weight loss in relation to being an alcoholic before, but again, you are right. It's all a one day, one minute, one second at a time thing. Mostly I'm at the one second stage, especially around that time of the month, when all I crave is chocolate, which I really don't even like much. But from now on, I'm going to think like an alcoholic.

So thankyou.
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