I just posted this to my weightloss group....I am so miserable in this body again... I don't believe I am the same weight I was 20 months ago after I gave birth. I just hate it.
I have really been in a total weight frenzy for the last few days, hence the many emails you would have all been receiving with me as the sender.
Last night, I lay in bed for hours and hours thinking about everything. My plight, your plight, and what we are doing about it. I sat there at the computer screen until my eyes hurt, highlighting all the numbers on there that were relevant to me. (1000 reasons to lose weight) There were just so many. You know what, it made me so sad... not just reading the thoughts that were my own, typed by someone else, but to read what others had written. The absolute hurt and torment that fat people go through on a daily basis. Not feeling that they are attractive enough to get a man. Making love with the lights out because they are so ashamed of their bodies. Feeling like nobody can ever love them or find them worthy. Not feeling worthy enough to be alive. Tears flowed as I made my way through the list, because allot of the hurt those ladies are feeling are also daily battles I have too. I am only a size 18, not HUGE... but huge enough. Huge enough for all those things to be relevant to me. I should be 30kgs lighter than I am, and yet I have been overweight for so many years, and it's come on so gradually, I guess I have kind of gotten used to my tummy rubbing on itself, and my thighs rubbing together. My body has adjusted to me being covered in a thick layer of yellow, suffocating fat.
You know, it puts me in mind of self harming. You know, people in pain emotionally and psychologically, and they cut themselves, or burn themselves to try and escape that pain and suffering. We are self harming. WE are the reasons we are so fat. We can try and blame our past, our present, or whatever, but ultimately we have to take full responsibility for the way we look. It IS our fault we are like this. I read that Emotional eating article yesterday, and it really made alot of sense to me. Food is like a placebo!! I am an idiot!! I think that EATING is going to make me feel better in the mind and soul???? GO FIGURE!! I mean come on, I think I am a pretty bright spark, but seriously, can anyone be so dumb? To think that eating enough food to feed 4 men, growing bigger and bigger by the day will make me feel better? I am totally abusing my body. I am so tired all the time, I sleep during the day with the baby, when I should be out and about, doing housework, studying and using my time more wisely. My poor body. I am tired because it has to work sooo dang(I love this American word!!) hard all the time!! My heart has to work so much harder to keep the blood circulating, my bones have to work hard to support my massive frame, and my poor old organs have to digest so much food that they were ever designed to. If my body could talk it would be crying uncontrollably saying "Olivia, stop, you are killing me, I am hurting, why are you doing this, I can not keep going for much longer!!". The thing is, I am in good health, I have no disease, I am flexible, I have NO health problems at all and I have 2 gorgeous children. I don't experience any kind of pain. I have not one excuse for not exercising. I don't have one excuse to not get out there every day and go for a walk. I have not one excuse for not doing Emma's workout 3 times a week. That's all that it says I have to do, 3 times a week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. OMG... that is a piece of cake!! Why can't I do that?
I was reading the Southbeach board yesterday, and this one lady was asked how she was doing it.... how she was losing the weight, and sticking to the diet. She said she was no different to a drug addict or an alcoholic. Some days were harder than others. Some days she could go the whole day without even thinking about a chocolate bar, or a piece of cake, or fatty pork. Some days she could go until lunchtime, until she started to struggle. Sometimes she lasted 5 minutes. It's all about taking one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Just like an alcoholic, who says, "I can do it, I can go 1 more hour without a drink." EVERY SINGLE THING WE PUT IN OUR MOUTH IS A DECISION. A decision to fuel our body with good, wholesome food to stay alive, or a decision to be unhappy and humiliated, ashamed, and fat for one more day. In thinkslim, the hypnotherapies says "We are tomorrow, what we eat today." Each bite of anything we eat, is making a choice. A choice to live another day as someone we don't want to be. You know what I hate? I hate not being in control. I feel like I should be in a mental institution. I have no control of my life. I am a free, law abiding, mother of 2, living in a home, with food, with water, with clean clothes and clean air. Yet, I have no control over myself. I sat there yesterday, and just ate all day. I just kept putting food in my mouth, ALL DAY. Was I hungry?? NOPE... however, I just didn't seem to care... I am just so sick of people ignoring me. Feeling invisible was mentioned on that list. Hey, that's me. Years ago, when I was slim, MEN LOVED ME... I couldn't walk down the street, without being whistled at, or hollered at. It's funny, because even now, it's like if I'm not looking at a mirror, I still imagine I am beautiful. The other day in town, I had my 9 inch wedges on, a gorgeous flowing velvet skirt, nice top, full makeup, my hair all done nicely. I walked past these 2 young good-looking guys (a rarity in a small country town) and they didn't even look up as they walked past me. I know this sounds strange, but it really hurt me. It hurt me that I feel like I'm not even worth looking at.
My sister is 40 (10 years older than me),and she said to me the other day "You could dress like me you know if you were slim". I got all shitty and said that I didn't want to dress like her (she is 55kgs, but dresses like Mutton dressed as lamb)... but that isn't the point is it? The point is that I should have a CHOICE about what I wear. I should have the choice to wear a shortish skirt if I feel like it, and not have it not even be a consideration. I want to have choices again. I also often feel ashamed for my husband when we go somewhere, He is tiny (55kgs), and I look at us together, and in reality I am 30kgs heavier than him. He tried to pick me up the other day, and he hurt his back!! How humiliating! I wonder if he is going to introduce me with pride, or with embarrassment. I wonder what goes through his head?
The bottom line is this. There are no guarantees in this life. There is no guarantee that tomorrow I will even be alive. I have no idea what the future holds. But, I do know that I have to regain control of my life. I don't want to spend the next 10 years like the last 10 (in all it's 10kgs phases), I want to take control of my eating TODAY. I am going to go for a walk TODAY. I am going to try Emma's workout she designed for me TODAY. I am going to make each thing I put in my mouth a conscious decision TODAY. I DO HAVE CONTROL. I have control of TODAY... this moment, the next few moments. Time is so precious. It's not about new years resolutions, or a fresh start next year, or when I detox, or when I southbeach, it's about TODAY. Seize the day. Life is so precious. Let's not waste another moment worrying about what people think, feeling bad about ourselves, or being fat a moment longer. I got on the scales this morning, and I was 84.5kgs.
So I haven't completely undone my hard work, or gone back up to 87(my heaviest weight), there is still hope!
I was back to 85kgs this morning. Yesterday I stuck to my word, a very low calorie day, 2 full personal trainer workouts, and 2 km walks. I just have to be consistant, that's my problem!