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negative body image

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negative body image

Postby workinprogress » Thu Mar 01, 2007 12:57 pm

I'm sorry I don't post as much on here anymore. I guess I haven't really been motivated enough to break through my 63kg weight at the moment.

I just wanted to share something with you all that happened yesterday and my thoughts and feelings on it. You guys are so supportive and I value your opinions and advice.

I've been seeing a guy for the past 2 months and for the first time in my life I've met someone whom I thought was sincere and fantastic. I didn't have a doubt in the world...

Last night he came over for dinner and we were watching TV on the couch, we were teasing each other (not mean just mucking around) and he made a comment: he called me 'big bum'.....

Well that just started it for me. We had a discussion about it (he felt bad and said it was a joke) and although he said it was a joke I can't help but feel there's a deeper meaning. So I asked him what he found attractive about me and he said that I had a 'pretty face' and that my body was good....good...just good. He said that he liked my curves. Nice...that's great. Anyway it made me feel totally gutted because I know he isn't doing this deliberately to be mean and I know he can't help his feelings but I believe that if you're into someone then you generally find all of them attractive.

I guess we as women are ultra sensitive about this because day in day out we're bombarded with images of women who men find sexy and appealing, we look at our own bodies and feel inferior because we don't look that way. We want our men to look at us in the same way.

I'm not angry at him for what he said, he's opened up my eyes to the truth about a few things.

I've worked hard to lose 11kg (he didn't know me when I was at my highest of 74kg) and I find that although this is a great weightloss people still comment on my weight in a negative manner (especially family etc). I've tried to accept my body shape and learn to be happy and I thought I was doing ok....

Once again I feel totally inadequate and am so angry with myself for not being that 'skinny' girl. Life would be one less drama if I was. I've put myself off food and have sunk into a state of depression. I hate being this way and I really hate feeling like this.

Thanks for reading.

'When you stop hurting your body, your body will stop hurting you.'

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Postby kate_turner2000 » Thu Mar 01, 2007 2:43 pm

thats ok things happen in life so we all cant be on the forum all the time (besides me! im always here haha) so i understand completely.

im sorry that those comments hurt you that way. i think when you have had to battle the bulge during your life any sort of comments like that can bring up bad memories and also make you look at yourself in a different light.

last night after swimming lessons my fiance bathed the little one and i jumped in the shower at the same time. later on in the night i said 'why were u staring at me in the shower' and he said he wasnt. and i said 'yeah i saw u looking every so often' and he said 'i was talking to you thats why, i wasnt looking at you' and then i turned it around and said 'why werent u looking at me then? whats wrong with my body?' and he shook his head and he said 'i cant win either way. if he was staring at me i guess its good cos he is likes something but then he might be staring in disgust with what he saw.

not making this about me but im just saying that there is always going to be comments or situations where i feel insecure about my appearance. i just need to bring my mindset back to the fact that i am who i am. i should be happy with who i am and shouldnt need anyone to justify what they like about me. if they dont like me they wouldnt be with me. my fiance met me when i was big and i recently saw a whole heap of photos his parents had taken at special occasions etc and i was disgusted that i ever looked that. how could he have been with someone so fat!

would ur partner still be with u if he didnt like what u looked like? or does he love u no matter what?
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Postby A_Corner_Of_The_Earth » Thu Mar 01, 2007 2:50 pm

Hun, look at the fantastic results you’ve achieved so far. You have gone from weighing 74kg to 63kgs. That is a huge achievement and you should be very proud of yourself for achieving such a significant weight loss.

I know it's hard to ignore negative comments, but you have to hunny otherwise they will fuel your negative self talk and as a result you will sink lower and feel more depressed and find it much more harder to continue with your fantastic success.

Next time one of your family members makes a negative comment, state clearly, with conviction in your voice that their comment has hurt you. You do not appreciate such comments, and if they want to say something negative to you, tell them that you're not interested in hearing it, because you are working damn hard to get to where you want to be and you've achieved great success. Ask them how they would feel each time they received a negative comment. Hopefully that should stop your family hassling you about your weight. Also, it has nothing to do with them so they shouldn't be commenting anyway, it's your body, you're an autonomous being making your own decisions it's not up to them, so tell them to butt out.

As to your boyfriend, you have your insecurities about your body shape but I promise you this, even though your boyfriend playfully called you 'big bum' I don't believe he meant it. He said it in a playful manner and did not come out of the blue saying 'you have a big bum'; even though it might have sounded as a criticism, it wasn't. My boyfriend calls my breast (now I have huge insecurities about them) as he's pillows: big and soft. The first time I heard this I thought he was repulsed by them and I felt very uncomfortable. So I had this very talk with my boyfriend, and he told me that men don't look at women the way women look at women, i.e. body part by part. They look at the whole package. You boyfriend is attracted to you the whole you, not just the body. Why would he be with you otherwise?

Ok so I'm going to read between the lines here and I do apologise if I have it wrong. I get the impression that you feel like he's with you for the sake of being with you, that he is using you for whatever he can get out of the relationship. If you are thinking this, stop. Guys are very unpredictable creatures, but they don't like being in a situation which is forced upon them. He is with you because he genuinely likes you, wants to spend time with you and wants to be with you. If he didn't feel those things he wouldn't be with you. They are either into you or they are not.

Yes we are bombarded with images of waif thin models every single day; pressure is being added to us women to be a certain size. It's in ads targeting women; it's in women's magazines. But men don't find waif thin women attractive. If you look at men's magazines like Ralph and Sports Illustrated you will see normal sized models, yes they are beautiful but they have touch ups too. If only everyone had airbrushing...but there is no such thing as perfect.

So remember you are not inadequate. You’re a very special person and you also have someone who cares a great deal about you and wants to be with you. Don't play the "if only" game, that leads you nowhere. You are already heading down the road you want to travel and you've already achieved so much. You will get to your goal weight.

GW1 - 70kgs
GW2 - 67kgs
GW3 - 60kgs
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Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Thu Mar 01, 2007 5:28 pm

there's 2 issues here: body image and self image. Often they become confused and you feel that if you or someone else doesn't like your body or an aspect thereof, you yourself must also be no good.

the reality is that if you are fat/ugly/have nobbly knees/ wonky eyebrows/a mole on your inside, left calf - this does not make you a bad person or imply that they think so. Try turning the logic around - is a skinny/pretty/dermatologically perfect person automatically the nicest person in the world? One suspects not.

it is entirely possible and likely that people can acknowledge your faults (be it rudeness or a 'muffin top' or anything else) while still liking your other properties. In fact it is entirely possible for people to not like your saddlebags, but find the curve of your armpit entirely attractive - different strokes... The point is although this is not their fav part of you, they love you for who you are. After all if there was nothing on you they thought could improve, there could be nothing they especially love, right?

My bloke will honestly tell me that I still have progress to make when asked, but also honestly tells me I look gorgeous when dressed up. I have never taken this offensively because it is the truth. it may just be that your man hasn't got the whole verbal communication and subtle nuances of the weight issue down pat yet and got himself caught in the proverbal hole.

Also, contrary to popular opinion, most men (when not surrounded by his blokey in the pub mates) will confess to not being obsessed by bodiy perfection quite as much as is sometimes made out to be.
35kg lost. (November 2005 - October 2006)
15kg gained again (as at October 2010).
Back to the drawing board - Let's do this thing!

"You can't change the winds, but you can change the sails"

"Reach out and take control of what lands in your lap"

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Postby Jisgone » Thu Mar 01, 2007 5:33 pm

sometimes its your imperfections that make your attractive, how boring life would be if we were all perfect!
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Postby Chelle » Fri Mar 02, 2007 1:56 am

Yes we can be ultra senitive when it comes to our body I don't think it was ment to be rude your bf probly did'nt know how much of an impact it would be, to say those words As long as your happy with your weight than that all that matters!! your 63Kg congrats on getting to that
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Postby KimE » Fri Mar 02, 2007 10:41 pm

It is so difficult for us to accept ourselves and to be truly happy with our own achievements. It's easy to look for validation from others, easy to think we must be as others see us. Hold your head up high and be proud of what you have done so far.

Try not to take the 'big bum' comment to heart. If you were teasing each other the bum is an easy target whether it is actually big or not. I think it is very true that guys don't see us the way we see us.

There is a fantastic advert I saw which you might be able to appreciate.
Two pictures of a guy and a gal each looking into a mirror. The woman is slim and when looking in the mirror sees a fat person. The guy is a bit stocky and when he looks in the mirror sees a muscle bound champ.

LOL this gave me a good laugh but reminded me how much we put ourselves down. You have done and are doing a fantastic job.
Kim - To thine own self be true
Maintainence since 04/11/06
Preferred Weight - Under 60 kgs
Current Weight - 64.8 kgs
Start Weight - 85 kgs
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