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Hubby's Mad!

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Hubby's Mad!

Postby dancer » Wed Mar 28, 2007 7:00 pm

Sorry if this is the wrong place but I need to vent and share, I think it will make me feel better.

I've been seeing a Psychologist lately about depression, low self esteem and binge eating episodes etc....

Pert of my therapy was to keep an eating awareness diary where I write down everything I eat (even if it's bad) and my feelings etc and the circumstances surrounding what and when I ate.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day with McDonalds for lunch and a boost bar for afternnon tea and a whole pack of chocolate biscuits throughout the evening. (All done secretly from Hubby). I know it's bad, but part doing the diary is helping me to see how disgusting it really is to eat that much.

Anyway, I had a really good day today and I left the diary out on the desk where Hubby found it and confronted me. My initial reaction was to lie and say that it was what I FELT like eating and not what I'd actually eaten, but then I told him i couldn't lie to him anymore and he went off the deep end.

He said it was disgusting and he was just so mad at me for eating that he got in the car to leave. I tried to stop him and asked where he was going and he just said, "away from you."

I'm so upset!

I just don't know how I can heal myself and learn from my mistakes when every time hubby discovers i've eaten something bad he reprimands me like a little child and makes me feel about an inch tall.

Not only am I letting myself down by bingeing, I'm letting him down too. Why can't I stop ruining my life?

I wish he'd come back, he didn't take his phone with him so I can't even call him.

Sorry about this, I just had to write it down because maybe this hurt I'm feeling now is something I can remember next time I think about bingeing.

Thanks for letting me vent.
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Postby Dee » Wed Mar 28, 2007 7:09 pm

Oh sweetie, don't let him get you down. Sure you made a mistake and fell off the wagon, but it is not up to him to punish you for that! You are the only one who can make choices for you and you are the only one you need to be accountable to. I really think that your hubby is being completely unreasonable. It is not at all productive or helpful to insult you and make you feel like less of a person becuase of ONE day of bad eating. Quite frankly it is counterproductive to put you down no matter how often you fall off the wagon.

What you need is love and support through one of the biggest battles you will ever face. Congratulations on getting straight back on the wagon today and not letting yesterdays indiscertions stop you. I'm sending you a HUGE hug, you deserve it.
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Postby dancer » Wed Mar 28, 2007 7:14 pm

Thanks Dee.

He just got back and I tried to explain it to him how every day it's a battle about what I should eat etc.... and how I needed him to be more supportive.

He just said, he feels like I'm cheating on him and he can't deal with it.

I just don't get it? It's not about him, it's my problem, why does he take it so personally?
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Postby Dee » Wed Mar 28, 2007 7:18 pm

Possibly because you do it secretly? Not that any of us can say we've never snacked secretly. LOL maybe you need to direct him here.

He probably doesn't understand that you're not hiding it from him becuase you don't want him to know, but that you're hiding the eating from everyone because you don't want to admit to yourself how much crap you are eating when you're not even really hungry.

Best of luck, hope you feel better and that you guys can work through it. It is really hard for people who don't have a weight prob to understand what you're going through. Unfortunately I don't know how you can make him get it. :? Sorry for being useless. lol
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Postby Jisgone » Wed Mar 28, 2007 7:25 pm

maybe try taking him along to one of your counselling sessions? it may help him to understand
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Postby KimE » Wed Mar 28, 2007 8:26 pm

That is a really difficult situation and I hope you both work through it together. It sounds like it is the lying that really sent your hubby off and perhaps that's why he likened it to cheating. Is he supportive when he sees you eating healthy food?

As Jewles said, can you try and include him some way either in the counselling or your daily diary. Get him to do some exercise with you.

Not sure if any of that is helpful but we are here for you if you need us.

All the best.
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:11 pm

aw dancer what a horrible situation. especially when you expect those you love to support you. i think maybe he is just in shock that you could eat those things without him having the idea that you cant control your eating?

i think you are doing well with the diary. you are trying to help yourself. dont stop doing it. you need to have some sort of outlet. perhaps tell hubby that from not on you will write it on the fridge. that way you wont be hiding it and it will be a reminder of what you have eaten.

i hope things work out for you, sound slike you need a cuddle :)
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Postby Dee » Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:14 pm

Hey good suggestion Kate - then it's right there as a reminder to you as well that you've already had your calorie blowout for the day, so you need to stay on track for the rest of the day, or that you've done so well in the last few days and you don't want to spoil it.

Plus there's the added bonus of complete transparency between you and your hubby... Krazy Kate the genius strikes again! lol
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Postby Puffer » Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:17 pm

I think Kate's idea is great - it also is another disincentive to eat naughty foods because you know you will have to face your hubbys disappointment if you do.

PS - I am assuming if he goes for the fridge idea he will just be disappointed and now throw another irrational all out wobbly
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Postby dancer » Thu Mar 29, 2007 11:21 am

Thanks for the advice guys, I appreciate it.

Kate I think you're right, I wanted in a way to keep the diary a secret too, but I've realised that it's no different to the secret binges and I need to be completely transparent with him.

He said later that he couldn't stay mad at me, but he was still really disgusted by what I had eaten, he then asked me to tell him exactly what I had at McDonalds and which Choccy biscuits I had etc.... I asked if that helped him and he said no. He then asked if it made me feel disgusted telling him and I said, Yes. He then said, Good maybe that will stop you next time.

He is right, straight after the fight when he was gone I took my secret stash of chocolate and threw it away. I was so angry at myself for making him feel hurt.

I'm definitely going to keep it on the fridge from now on and let him look at it whenever he wants to.

If nothing else it will hopefully help me stop lying and even more so it will hopefully help keep me on track because I don't want to disappoint him again.

Thanks Heaps everyone. I really needed to vent here and it has been a great help.
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Thu Mar 29, 2007 11:58 am

hey dancer im glad things are working out for you and your hubby. it must be a big shock to our partners when they realise exactly what we are capable of when given the opportunity. you arent alone dancer. i used to hide food all the time. there was a thread not long ago on here where we all confessed the things we did and hid from our loved ones.

here are some threads:
http://www.weightloss.com.au/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3561
http://www.weightloss.com.au/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3936


by hiding it from him you are lying to yourself and telling yourself its ok as long as no one finds out. by it being out in the open it will help you be more accountable for your food intake. im not saying from now on its going to be easy and you arent going to eat a single piece of junk food again. but im just saying it will help you come to terms with it and also it will your hubby to perhaps support you through the bad times that will come up.

keep smiling and keep in touch with us!
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Postby Leishkin » Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:30 pm

first off *hugs*
second off - that really sucks, and really makes no sense - I can't believe anyone would react that way about a FOOD diary!

I would just tell him that you were miserable about the slip, and felt that you'd let yourself down, so you didn't want to let him down too - You actually wrote about the day of weakness in your diary because you wanted to be honest about it to yourself, rather than not write it in and pretend it never happened, and hey, shouldn't he be the one in trouble for reading your DIARY?

Maybe you should either include him or exclude him completely from your weightloss regime (I don't know if this is a good idea or not, as I don't know you or him, just what's spurting from my brain right now) so that either way, he'll either know it's your journey, and your problem to fix - or, you will *have* to tell him if you do have that moment of weakness so that he feels included and hopefully rather than scolding you, he'll be supportive.

I've told my partner that if I get given chocolate, he has to hide it and only give me some when I really, really need it - as sometimes there are cravings you just can't deny!! - but because of this he *knows* when I'm bingeing rather than me sneaking those little easter eggs when he's not looking, then feeling crummy about it and telling him later that the whole bag is gone! haha!

best'o'luck, and *more hugs* because noone should be made to feel that terrible, especially while they're trying to do something so damn drastic and important :)
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Postby slimmindown » Thu Mar 29, 2007 2:09 pm

Dancer, at least now it is out in the open , no more hiding hey.
I used to do that too and then feel guilty about it. Your husband must really care about you to get so upset.out of fear comes anger. My sister pulled one of those trips on me at my biggest weight, and we had an all out fight, she even blamed my flatmate for letting me overeat and not trying to stop me. While this is irrational, and only I, am responsible for what goes into my mouth, she did it out of fear and love for me.

It was a bit of a wake up call for me and now I am nearly 40kg lighter.
It is great you are seeing a counsellor, you have admitted the problem and now you are on your way to recovery.
Just remember, Rome wasnt built in a day. You are going to the counsellor to get the lifestyle tools to make better decisions and slip ups are just learning tools to help us make better choices next time..
Maybe write down how you are feeling when you eat those less desirable foods so next time when you recognise those feelings you can have another plan of action instead of bad eating.
Like calling a friend ,talking to your husband ,or exercise. Excercise is a good one as it releases endorphins similar to those that we get when we eat high fat/sugar foods.

once you have learnt to replace the old behaviour with a new more positive one, your husband will be so proud of you and so will you be. Just remember we are all humans and noone is perfect, we are all here to support you and you can vent anytime you want and need too.. :)
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Postby mrs c » Thu Mar 29, 2007 2:48 pm

Hi Dancer

I'm new to the forum and don't know if you've posted about your husband before, and feel free to ignore me completely; this is just my opinion.

I'm a bit surprised that your husband would react in such a way - is there some reason why he is like this about your weight-loss?

I just feel like my husband would love and support me no matter what and would never get angry about something I ate, and you deserve the same. All women deserve to be loved and supported.
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Postby Chelle » Thu Mar 29, 2007 3:57 pm

I think your hubby has he's moral's in the wrong place he should be more supportive towards your feeling, & if he dosen't understand, & acts the way he does it it only going to make things worst & put you in a wrong situation. If he dosen't like to hear what you have to say why don't you write it down on paper about your feelings, & how it is for you to deal with situations with weight & binge eating. He need to understand where you are comming from & how you deal with day to day situations. & needs to be 100% supportive to help you over this hurdel. It must be truly dissapointing for the person in your life, to not be there for you when you need him the most. We are all here for you on this forum if you feel that you can't talk to him, talk to us, we will be very supportive & try to help you get back on track good luck with everything I hope that everything turns out the way you want it to be
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