This week... Sucks! I have been trying to lose weight since January and I have acheived success... 37kg down. Unfortunately, 37kg down is not nearly enough!!
I have been such a good girl this whole time. I have had the odd bad day here and there don't get me wrong, but I have never "fallen off the wagon" entirely, I have not even come close... until now.
The past couple of months have been hard. Dropping only 2kg now (1 of these kg last week) has been tough because I have still been working so hard. But even during that time I never wavered. Never before have I stuck to a diet for this long and acheived so much success, but I feel like the end will never come. I have not gone back to eating junk. I am still eating healthier choices but I am eating more of them this week. I have not gained, but not lost either. I have barely moved a muscle this week. I knew that this would be forever, that the changes I have made to my lifestyle and my eating habits would have to remain with me always because I have the potential to be morbidly obese which is where I have come from. But this week I can not see the end to the struggle. I can not see the days coming where all I have to worry about is maintaining. The light has dimmed this week and while I know why I should keep fighting, and there is voice within me trying to persuade me, nothing can break my negativity this week...
I am sure I do not have to tell any of you this, but it is hard! Even the good weeks can be exhausting. I have failed every other time I have tried to lose weight. I have never ever consciously lost a significant amount of weight until now. I have always fallen off a diet because I am too impatient. You do all this work and the results are so slow. So, So, So Slow! I tried to head into this reminding myself that these things don't happen overnight. That a little loss 1 week is better than no loss or a gain. I tried to remind myself that if I keep at it this time next year I will be able to stand in front of the mirror and cry tears of joy rather than tears of sadness and disgust. But I feel like I used to feel this week. That the rewards are too small week to week for all this hard work.
*sigh* But then, the logical, calm voice within me whispers the reminders of all the hard work I have done, and how awful it would be to waste that work now. I m healthier now. There is no question. I look much better now. I feel more confident and although there is still work that needs to be done in this area, I am feeling less self conscious in the world, and definately less threatened. I have more choices in clothes stores.. I can even buy cute little dresses and not look too hideous in them. This time last year, argh! I had no choice, I could only wear what would fit... I even had trouble finding tracksuit pants that fit me confortably. I never want to be there again... Never! But I am struggling this week. Mentally, Emotionally and Physically. This week.... Sucks!