Ok so I thought I’d say my story a bit for who wants to read! Or perhaps for myself
I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember. I found it hard in early school because I was overweight as well as having eczema and an early growth spurt – so from that age I started really resenting myself. I thought I was just abnormal – which isn’t healthy in itself. I don’t remember eating heaps but I guess I did. My mum would go on a diet and then I’d do it with her but nothing really had lasting results.
High school wasn’t much better – I was given a lot of crap until I stuck up for myself and found some good mates (who still are my friends). I don’t think I was that overweight looking back – and people now even look at me and think that I’m not overweight…but when I look at me I just see all imperfections. Kids are just really cruel I guess, but they didn’t realize what a lasting affect their words would have on me.
I put on a heap of weight after school, then I lost it, then I regained some, and then I got diagnosed with cancer, then I had a year of treatment and tipped the scales at about 100kilos. I’m 5’9 so I carried it pretty well – but man did I hate myself. All I could see was that I was bald, and fat, and I have these scars (and stretch marks), and then pretty much gave up on myself for a while. I figured I was ugly and that’s all there was.
I’m not ugly, but I resent myself so much. I go through massive ups and downs about the way I look – sometimes I say wow I am pretty and then something else creeps into my head and says no your not, your ugly. I feel sorry for my mates, they’re always reassuring me – I try not to complain too much though.
So then I went and I lost all this weight and got down to about 75-80kilosish. But I was in this relationship and this guy was a total loser – and would just constantly berate me and confirm what I thought about myself. It didn’t matter what anyone else was saying – I could only hear what HE was saying. My friends almost killed him after I finally broke up with him from the sh*t he gave me – and the way he made me feel. I’m no good with relationships so I try to stay away from them lol, I always end up with controlling horrid men and I think maybe I make them that way sometimes.
Then I started uni and due to full time work and full time uni (I know I’m a machine!) over a year regained a fair chunk of weight – up to 92kilos – now I’m 87ish I’ve lost about 5 so far over the last few weeks. I don’t know why I eat – I tell myself I’m hungry but I guess I’m not? I know I need to exercise more, but I’m so tired all the time. I used to love going to the gym I just have to force myself there. I’ve put down my work load for uni because I worry about my health. I think about how I had cancer and sometimes I think I’d rather die then get it again and have to do treatment again which is really selfish I know.
Anyway this is massive much bigger then I intended lol. Hopefully I’ll get there!
Love cc xx