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Half way but losing it...please help

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Half way but losing it...please help

Postby bg » Fri Aug 31, 2007 7:48 am

Hi there
First post. I've been, how can I put it, 'lurking' around this forum for a while getting inspiration but feel that now is the time I could really do with some more help.

A bit about me: At the beginning of the year, weighing 110KG and pretty much knowing that I would probably have a heart attack
by the age of 35 (I'm 27 by the way), I decided that I really had to change my life.

I got myself a trainer (that's another story) and gradually started to turn things around. I'm now 90KG.

When I started out I was addicted to McDonalds - sometimes 3 times a day. I hated it but just couldn't stop.
I obviously changed that to lose any weight at all but I have been stuck on 90KG for 3 months now as I am slipping back
into old habits, bit by bit. I know that had I kept control of my eating I would be so close now to my
goal of 70KG, and that in its self is really depressing.

I love the gym and my trainer, I run all the time now (I even ran the 12km Bridge to Brisbane this year) and my trainer
is amazed at my fitness level for my weight. Its like there is a small fit person hiding inside this cloak of fat and I just don't know how to get out. I have hit a brick wall.

Every evening I make a new resolution and say 'this is it' but have always failed by the next morning.
I don't make un-realistic resolutions like eating lettuce and water or anything, but its almost as though somebody
else has taken control of my mind and I no longer have control or decision making abilities.

I will give you an example; when I go to queue up for MacDonald's I know its bad, I don't actually want it and everything (inner voices) are saying 'why are you here, you don't want this, you don't like this'. I buy the 'food'and sit down to eat it (I always hide so nobody I know sees me) and I eat it all, still not enjoying any of it but feeling somehow 'compelled' to eat even though by this point I am usually on the verge of tears.

Please help.

I'm not back to the amounts of previous days and know that I have only maintained my weight and not gained due
to the amount of exercise I do, but I also realise that it is only a matter of time before my metabolism slows to a crawl and it starts to pile back on.

The other sad thing is that I have loved the personal training so much that I decided that once I had reached my goal I
was looking to start training to be a pt myself. How can I possibly do that if I have such an eating disorder.
I thought I had got over this and couldn't bare to go back to my old self.

I have got to the point where I can only completely control what I eat by making it impossible for me to buy by
giving my other half my cash cards and cash, but this is obviously impractical all the time.

I carry food with me so I wont be without when I'm hungry, but I usually 'forget' about it when those out of control moments happen.

My gym is closing on the mid December and I wanted to use this date as a goal day. I'm just hoping to get my s%^t together now so that this isn't another failed plan in my life after so many.

Any help gratefully received. I'm just so lost.
Please feel free to pm or email me, I would love to hear from you as I feel so lonely and closed off from everybody at the moment
as I hide most of these things as I am just so embarrassed about my situation and how I'm letting things go when so many people
have been so proud of me so far and I cant let them see I'm losing it.
Thankyou for reading

bg
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Postby kate_turner2000 » Fri Aug 31, 2007 8:48 am

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HI there BG welcome to the forum. I felt really sad reading your post because i too (and many people here) also have issues with food. although my weakness wasnt maccas (we live a fair way out from fast food places) but i love chocolate and ice cream. every day i would have to go down to the shop to buy enough to get me through to the following day. i dont know why i ate it- i mean i liked it and everything, but i would say 'why am i buying this?' and when i would open it and eat it i would think 'where did that block of chocolate go? i couldnt have eaten that magnum that fast!' coming home from work of a night at 10pm id stop at the servo and get a bag full of junk and i would eat it on my way home (listening to richard and his love song dedication LOL) and when id get home id wonder why all these wrappers are beside me and empty flavoured milk bottles only to know that id have to hide the evidence.
it sounds like you are doing great on the exercise front and i am sure that having issues with food wont put you off (and shouldnt put you off) being a PT. its something you love to do and your clients will get a big kick out of knowing that you had some issues including a weight problem and you got through them.
do you happen to make a food diary? where you are held accountable for what you are eating, you can plan your food, and it really does help to say 'no' to things knowing that you cant have them. perhaps you can post your food diary on this forum like some of us already do, that way you said you are quite shy and embarrassed, it might help you face up to what you are meant to be consuming and even if you have those little extras you know that you will HAVE to make note of it in your food diary. even though we are in no way judgemental as we all have our bad days, weeks and months! but i think the biggest thing is being accountable for what you are consuming. give it some thought and if you want to ask any questions just ask away. there are plenty of inspiring people here and many people in the same boat as yourself.
best wishes
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Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Fri Aug 31, 2007 9:33 am

Hi BG and welcome! Feel free to come on here and talk/write whenever you need to, there is usually someone to listen/read!

Many of us can associate with the 'compulsion' to eat. I can find myself eating things just because when I am bored or lonely or upset about something rather than because I need to.

A food diary as Kate suggested could help, especially if you record how you're feeling at the time.

Good luck with it!
35kg lost. (November 2005 - October 2006)
15kg gained again (as at October 2010).
Back to the drawing board - Let's do this thing!

"You can't change the winds, but you can change the sails"

"Reach out and take control of what lands in your lap"

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Postby bg » Fri Aug 31, 2007 9:35 am

Hi there
Thanks for the quick reply. I knew that from reading many posts on here that I wasn't the only one this is happening to
but think that until you put your own story out there it doesn't seem as real, almost like the people that post are more virtual than
people with the same issues. Its always good to be re-assured that you are not the only one. Thanks again.

I am going to take your advice and try the food diary.
This will not be easy, more for the fact that I am, how can I put this...a huge procrastinator...you know..what should be done today will inevitable be done tomorrow. Probably why I got in this position in the first place...lol. I will try though.

Being accountable is defiantly a huge issue for me. I do lie about what I have eaten when asked by my partner and trainer and
they both think that I weigh less than I do because I couldn't let it seem that I wasn't getting anywhere when they are both trying to help me so much.

I also lie to myself about what I have eaten or, more often than not, try to rationalise it out.

What also bugs me is that when I do make the first slip up of the day something tells me that I have written the whole day
off so there is no point cutting back and that I am now allowed to eat what I want cos today has become wasted. Does that
sounds really stupid. I know its not wasted but I suppose its my way of getting around the 'guilt's' because I have convinced
myself that today is now a write-off and tomorrow can be a new start.

bg
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Postby Butterfly_Dawn » Fri Aug 31, 2007 9:49 am

well feel free to let this forum be your honesty check - around here we don't judge you if you don't lose weight or you slip up or whatever (my ticker hasn't moved down in quite a long time) so we can be a kind of safe anonymous 'check' for you.

Try catching yourself thinking those unhelpful thoughts like "this is now a write off day" and actively challenge them by saying to yourself "no, I just made one slip and I will use the rest of the day to make it up".

it soulds like you have a lot of unhelpful negative self talk so it's good that you have recognised it because you can't change what you don't acknowledge!
35kg lost. (November 2005 - October 2006)
15kg gained again (as at October 2010).
Back to the drawing board - Let's do this thing!

"You can't change the winds, but you can change the sails"

"Reach out and take control of what lands in your lap"

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Postby sassi » Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:08 am

hi bg

thanks so much for sharing your story - even though it's all anonomous here, it still takes a lot to share a personal story :)

first of all, congrats on losing 20kg - that's an awesome achievement and even though you don't feel great about yourself and where you're at right now, you have done a fantastic thing & by being a healthier person you've given yourself a far brighter future than you would have had.

i lost some weight last year & then put it all back on with interest. and you know what - i reckon this was almost deliberate sabotage on my part. a big part of me thought that losing weight would solve all my problems and as i was losing weight i started to get a bit scared that not everything was as happy and positive as i thought it would be and i think i returned to my comfort zone of being fat.

this time round i'm far more self aware and i'm trying to work on this being an emotional journey to health as well as a weight one!

i think it's definitely possible to be fit and be carrying that weight - i think i'm probably quite similar to you in that regard!

when you see the trainer, do they ever weigh you? i used to see a trainer and he weighed me once a fortnight & i found that helped to keep me on the straight and narrow and be more honest with myself and others about what i was eating.

maybe you can say to yourself that you won't eat mcdonalds unless you sit in the middle of the shop & you can only have it if you have someone with you! i.e. you have to admit to everyone you're eating it. or perhaps set yourself a challenge of even just going a few days without it (i don't know how often you have it) and then try and go a bit longer the next time - i used to eat a bit of junk (drive through on the way home from work, on the weekends etc) but i managed to go a couple of weeks without and now i find i don't want it and i don't get it.

i find a food diary really helpful like the others - even if no one else sees it, i do. and i have forced myself to be totally honest when i do it. some days have been very ugly but i force myself to do it. it's also a good tool because beyond calories, you can also set yourself limits of protein, fat & carbs and maybe it works for you to eat to those limits rather than just looking solely at calories.

anyways, i don't know if any of that helps, but please know that you're not alone and there are lots of us who have done things like write off a day because of one thing we've eaten that we shouldn't have.

i think you've taken a huge step in the right direction & i hope we can offer some support...and also i'm sure you're going to have some great fitness tips to share with us :)
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Postby lng86 » Sat Sep 01, 2007 2:22 pm

I knew that story sounded so familiar!!! How are you my dear friend? I have been actually thinking of you often...

You obviously want to remain anonymous... Which is fine. But I am so glad to hear that you did the 12km run. You must be so proud.

Regarding your post... Personally I feel that you do not eat enough to keep yourself satisfied throughout the day... And also to keep your energy levels high. Look at the food diary section on this website. People eat extremely satisfying meals... Therefore not setting themselves up to fail before they even begin. Do you agree?

Everyone in this forum is so supportive... Which is why I recommended it to you. I hope you are well. I wish you the very best.
To succeed you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you - Myself (Lauren)
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Re: Half way but losing it...please help

Postby help6363 » Sun Sep 16, 2007 12:02 am

bg wrote:Hi there
First post. I've been, how can I put it, 'lurking' around this forum for a while getting inspiration but feel that now is the time I could really do with some more help.

A bit about me: At the beginning of the year, weighing 110KG and pretty much knowing that I would probably have a heart attack
by the age of 35 (I'm 27 by the way), I decided that I really had to change my life.

I got myself a trainer (that's another story) and gradually started to turn things around. I'm now 90KG.

When I started out I was addicted to McDonalds - sometimes 3 times a day. I hated it but just couldn't stop.
I obviously changed that to lose any weight at all but I have been stuck on 90KG for 3 months now as I am slipping back
into old habits, bit by bit. I know that had I kept control of my eating I would be so close now to my
goal of 70KG, and that in its self is really depressing.

I love the gym and my trainer, I run all the time now (I even ran the 12km Bridge to Brisbane this year) and my trainer
is amazed at my fitness level for my weight. Its like there is a small fit person hiding inside this cloak of fat and I just don't know how to get out. I have hit a brick wall.

Every evening I make a new resolution and say 'this is it' but have always failed by the next morning.
I don't make un-realistic resolutions like eating lettuce and water or anything, but its almost as though somebody
else has taken control of my mind and I no longer have control or decision making abilities.

I will give you an example; when I go to queue up for MacDonald's I know its bad, I don't actually want it and everything (inner voices) are saying 'why are you here, you don't want this, you don't like this'. I buy the 'food'and sit down to eat it (I always hide so nobody I know sees me) and I eat it all, still not enjoying any of it but feeling somehow 'compelled' to eat even though by this point I am usually on the verge of tears.

Please help.

I'm not back to the amounts of previous days and know that I have only maintained my weight and not gained due
to the amount of exercise I do, but I also realise that it is only a matter of time before my metabolism slows to a crawl and it starts to pile back on.

The other sad thing is that I have loved the personal training so much that I decided that once I had reached my goal I
was looking to start training to be a pt myself. How can I possibly do that if I have such an eating disorder.
I thought I had got over this and couldn't bare to go back to my old self.

I have got to the point where I can only completely control what I eat by making it impossible for me to buy by
giving my other half my cash cards and cash, but this is obviously impractical all the time.

I carry food with me so I wont be without when I'm hungry, but I usually 'forget' about it when those out of control moments happen.

My gym is closing on the mid December and I wanted to use this date as a goal day. I'm just hoping to get my s%^t together now so that this isn't another failed plan in my life after so many.

Any help gratefully received. I'm just so lost.
Please feel free to pm or email me, I would love to hear from you as I feel so lonely and closed off from everybody at the moment
as I hide most of these things as I am just so embarrassed about my situation and how I'm letting things go when so many people
have been so proud of me so far and I cant let them see I'm losing it.
Thankyou for reading

bg


Hello

Please don't give up on yourself ........ you are far too important.

Well done on your weight loss to date......EXCELLENT!!!!

I was 90kgs and then at 70kgs I did the same thing as you (old habits came back), I put on 5 kgs and then went back to dieting and exercising and went down to 58kgs.

Write down all the reasons you want to lose the weight and everytime you want to skip exercise or break that diet, pull out that list and read it! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

Please, don't give up on yourself......... you are far too important!

BIG HUGS....let me know how you are going, k?

Michelle

PS..... I don't know if I am allowed to say this here but one of my friends attended Overeaters Annoymous (it's FREE) and in the phone book. I don't know much about their meetings but maybe they could help!

PLEASE post soon so I know you are okay!!!
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Re: Half way but losing it...please help

Postby sarahloveshoes » Thu Oct 30, 2008 11:42 am

Hello your story sounds very familiar to me, i certainly dont eat maccas 3 times a week but definentely once a week even though i dont like it! If i could hide it id probably eat it more. I also have this eating disorder where i eat the fattiest food i can find on purpose. I dont understand it myself. I think you really need to seek some help for your mind. Have you ever thought about seeing a psychologist (as daunting as it sounds), they can teach you how to change your thinking. Another thing you should think about before eating mcdonalds is how un-ethical they really are. Ive heard some really bad rumours about mcdonals, but of course its hard to find whether these are true. Ive heard they clear rainforest for cattle, feed their cattle woodchips, the beef patties are made up of any part of the cow, the oil they use is "a vegetable blend" (meaning a mixture of any oil they can get, how scary is that!). :|
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Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy

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