Rachella is slipping.... emotional eating / mother confusion

[waterbaby]

Hi all

THIS A LONG RAMBLING .... I have used this as a place to try and figure out a puzzle in my head. I dont expect anyone to read this or comment, but if you decide to, and you can relate or shed some light, I would be very grateful.

I have been cruising pretty well for 8 weeks now. BUT these past few days things are slipping back to where I used to be with mindless emotionally triggered eating.
I am confused as I am not sure what has triggered this.... I thought I was just getting cocky, too confident that I had figured it all out.
I think it may be a bit of that, but also something more?

I am going to use this thread to try and figure it out as I know that if I dont overcome this one, I am destined to fail. I know it because I have done it many many times before.

A few factors:
1. I have told everyone ( who has noticed I look well ), exactly what I am doing because I feel so confident (which is very unusual for me)
2. I have been extra confident since my mother (long story) has been away for almost a month but.... Mum is back today and I know she will be fatter and I thinner and I want to keep going but something feels different in me since she is back.... need to explore

Hmmm from this journalling I think that ONE: the pressure on myself is upped a little as I have people watching to see if I succeed. As of a few days ago I felt to would. That is one issue.

I think the BIG FAT ISSUE though is.... My MOTHER. What the feck is going on there?? I have know for years that my dieting yoyo is affected by mother in a push-pull experience... like the tides going in and out, I am somehow affected by my mum....

HOW & WHY??
1. For almost as long as I can remember my mum has been a dieting woman. She was never slim enough and then got fatter and fatter. She is now probably 20kg heavier than me.

2. Somehow at 12 or so, she decided I needed to lose weight too, so she started us both off on diets. She even made incentives like new bathers or a beach holiday when "we succeed"

3. Within 3 days to probably up to a week, the diet plan (which I never understood) just got forgotton about. We would have a special ocassion (and for mum that included any trip to a cafe or out for lunch or anywhere someone was offering her food or wine) and everything would go out the window.
4. I was confused by the stop starts but usually relieved that the pressure was off for a bit.

5. I remember thinking if I got slimmer I could wear nicer clothes and people would love me and be proud of me more. Mum says that Dad used to always say she was fat, but I don't remember him saying that to me or her.

6. My dad showed affection to me perhaps a half dozen times in my life. Never any reassurance that I was ok the way I was. He just said nothing, showed nothing and just never got involved. "Emotionally unavailable"they call it. I now know his self worth and self esteem was so low that i think his faith in her parenting ability was very very low - and he was spot on.

7. When I was 13 my brother offered me some yummy snack and I said I couldn't because I was on a diet, he said "you are always on a diet" . I remember losing the plot, crying, screaming at him, hating him, punching the walls, kicking the doors. I felt stupid, fat and I think generally trapped that I needed to diet. The thing is is that it was NEVER MY IDEA! Always started as my mum's idea until it became my reality.

8. The case of self-fulfilling prophecy... I was told I need to lose some weight (puppy fat, just a little cuddly etc) and I decided I was fat. So I became fatter. Then when I failured so many times I decided I was fat and useless. So when I tried I kept failiing because I always assumed I would. So I was forever useless. Then when I had crap times at school and people teased me that I was fat, I believed them of course (and my mum still was trying the on off diet-team crap and giving up on all of them) and so with no friends, fat and useless I then decided I must be ugly. Fat, Useless and Ugly: the nasty toxic mantra that has played in my head for 25 years.

9. My mum has not broken her pattern, despite hundreds of starts and signing up for many expensive plans. She has never stuck to anything in her life. She is a weak woman that stops what she is doing when something gets tough or if she goes out to dinner. I have become the same but for the first time in my life I feel I have found some inner strength. I have been fighting past and jumping over (scrambling at times) over life's hurdles and instead of giving up I have hung in there, stuck to eating well with some minor treats and kept exercising.

10. All is going really well in my life right now, no major stresses and I feel happy in myself, proud and a little amazed in my achievements. But now mu mum is back home for a month overseas. I have not spoken to her for a month and I have not missed her.

11. So I have not even seen her yet, but since thinking about her return I have starting picking, eating mindlessly and this morning had a binge on 5 pieces of toast with too much butter (which sadly is my mums main binge that I vowed I would never do). When I think about seeing her I know I will have to hide what I am doing.... WHY?

This is important to figure out: If I am succeeding and she is not I feel I must or am allowed to (??) stop. Also when I have started succeeding in the past she wants to know what I am doing so she can copy, she rarely starts it or if she does stops and never mentions she was ever doing it in the first place.
So then... I dont want her involved at all in my weight loss as perhaps I feel she will easily knock me off guard. Like she will gently, perhaps even sub concsiously help me give up, expect me only to go for a short time, expect me to stop and go back to her way.

If she is around I feel I will fail. I feel weak and my resolve is shakey. I once told a counsellor that I thought it would be easier if she wasn't alive because then I would be FREE! (of course I dont want her dead!) How can I be free when she is still in my life? I feel I need the gap in our weights to keep getting bigger as I feel I have followed her my whole life, being only one size behind her. So as she got close to 22 I became a 20. She was giving me her hand me downs! Now the gap is a little bigger, but I feel I am not yet safe from her influences. I need to get far far away, in kilos, strength and resolve. I cannot stay away from physically as she important in my childrens' lives and I want to still have a relationship with her.

So if I turn up at her house feeling strong, successful, happier, fitter, slimmer and focussed then what? She will feel inadequate. She will feel pressured. She will criticise herself inwardly. She would feel what I have always felt when others succeed. I guess i am trying to protect her, make her feel better, so do I subconsciously give up? Sounds so dumb, but I think it might me true. But do I show I love her by making her feel less pressured or do I STOP THAT NOW, be strong and LOVE MYSELF enough to succeed? Obvious answer.

I need to break away from her and grow up, cut ties and keep going no matter what. I am not sure how I will do that. The feelings generated when I see her make me feel so tempted to indulge, so tempted to stop in and get chocolate at the servo at the way home. The feeling is hardly noticeable at the time, I just find myself eating. So how does that happening right now when I havent even seen her, but I am thinking about seeing her? Is her influence/power that strong?

How do I fight the pull to go back to comfort eating when I see her or even think about her? To fight that battle everytime is going take all the strength I have and then will I still fail? I have had to overcome at least 4 life challenges in 8 weeks that have shaken me and nearly knocked me from my focus and drive, and none of that included my mother's influence.

So what will happen if I keep going strong, not allowing the weak tempting feelings sink into me and take me over? I will succeed. I will become strong, fit, even more beautiful. I feel energised, confident, sexy, alive and invincible. What will happen to my relationship with my mother? I think I will feel sad for her. I will feel guilty. I will feel that we have LOST A CONNECTION. The food weight thing... has been something we have shared!! No it will go and I will free. So does that mean when I have fully succeeded that our relationship be over? When I am free she will be lost forever?

I know we will always be ok, she will be in my life as mother and granny, but our relationship will change. I wonder if I have felt that I need to stay close to her via this crappy diet game, too fearful of going out on my own, brave and strong.

So this is it.
1. I have not been brave and strong to break free from my mum and her diet games. It keeps us close.
2. I have subconciously stayed close to my mums attempts and not succeeded to make her feel ok. It keeps us close.
3. The permission to indulge and give up is strong around my mum. It makes me feel loved when she feeds me.

So by me taking this plunge and keeping on fighting forward, pushing through the temptations and succeeding I must be prepared for our relationship to change, to not be as close and for her to feel bad.

Just gotta keep going.... Perhaps I will break this cycle once and for all....
Thanks to anyone who read this, who got this far. I didnt expect anyone to....

xoxoxoxo rachel xoxoxoxoxo

[EvilWombatQueen]

I certainly read the whole thing, Rachella. I think you're very brave for confronting your emotions. Good on you!

I agree with your assessment that you see dieting/not dieting as a way to be close to your mother. A way to please her, if you will. It's like she decided to live through you, and you validate that viewpoint by seeing your life as her life... if that makes any sense. If you're on a diet it justifies her being on a diet, and if you're not dieting it justifies her not dieting. There is a lot of expectation and guilt tied up in a mother-daughter relationship. I don't know if I can give any good advice to help you with this as all relationships are different.

Instead of seeing yourself as the follower, could you instead reinvent yourself as the leader in the relationship? Rather than continuing with the traditional mother/leader - daughter/follower roles you are caught up in, can you, in effect, become the 'mother'? Each time you're tempted to binge, think of what a great example you're being for your mother in following a healthy lifestyle?

Good luck!

[miss_viva]

I also read the whole thing, and there are so many issues there for you to deal with! *hugs*

you're on a diet it justifies her being on a diet, and if you're not dieting it justifies her not dieting. There is a lot of expectation and guilt tied up in a mother-daughter relationship.

I definately agree with this statement. Instead of repeating the same cycle over again, why don't you encourage your mother to follow your lead? Instead of going out to get cake or coffee or something, why don't you meet up with her to go walking or for a healthy lunch? You could talk to her about what you have been doing while she has been away, and let her know how happy you are with your new lifestyle. You could share some of your tips with her, and encourage her to try it out to see if she can feel as good too.

You obviously can't cut your mother out of your life, so you might as well try to work with her! Encouraging her to adopt healthier practices can only help her in the long run too, no one wants to see their mother (or any family member/friends) become ill due to weight-related issues. Just because you haven't been able to help each other in the past doesn't mean that you won't be able to in the future. If she doesn't want to join you though, or doesn't feel ready to, you just have to accept that you can't change how she is and keep going with your own weightloss. You are doing this for YOURSELF and not anyone else. Some people may not be ready to embark on this journey, and you can't do anything to change that.

Sorry I can't really be much more help, but all the best

[sarahm]

a very heart wrenching and honest post rachel. great insight in the responses-i feel for you and am embarking on my own journey to unravel my issues with food. thinking of you. *hugs*

[waterbaby]

WOW THANK YOU ALL!!

Firstly, I am so so blessed by your responses. I honestly did not expect anyone to read it all and comment with insight... it was such long ramblings!
Writing all this down has been extremely valuable today. I sent it to DH to read and he did and gave me ideas also.

Sadly I have tried taking the lead by showing her ideas, encouraging her to try different things, showing by example but it has only ever been short lived.
I realised today that I have to cut that dieting tie completely.
After talking and writing intensively today I decided that I need to be brave and take the plunge to "go out on my own" with my weight loss goal. I need to keep on my path and I know now that I am "leaving her behind". When I realised this I was on the phone to DH and it choked me up and I felt a little sad. But I need to grow up now and be strong and brave, go my own way and be ok that she is left to her own devices. And be strong enough to not have to share or even "show off" that I am kicking her butt!!

DH suggested I do the process where you put an empty chair in front of you and you pretend you are talking to the person you need to confront. Dr Phil and many other therapists do it and its apparently awesome to get stuff off your chest and forgive. Well I gave it a whirl and I had a rant about what I was not pleased about and then I told her (or the empty chair really ) that I was going to keep going and I am sorry, but I am leaving her behind.... I cried and I felt better, WOW.

Tonight I saw her and I felt different around her. I realised as she raved about all the food she'd eaten overseas, all the wine she'd had and watched her drink 3/4 a bottle of wine and eat enough dinner for two people , that we are no longer alike. I have evolved, wisened and moved on already. Hallelujah!

I will keep at it now and will come up with a little mantra along the lines of "if they don't support my plan, I need to leave them behind"... I have always had a problem with worry that others feel bad or uncomfortable. It was always my role in my family to keep the peace. So when someone gets awkward, self-conscious, jelous or feel inadequate when I succeed I need to remind myself that its their stuff, too bad for them really... I just need to keep going and if I have to leave them behind from a weight loss, fitness or emotional developement point of view I will....

Thanks again so so much, I feel very supported by you all
rach
xoxoxooxox

[Sassyt]

Oh Rach *hugs*
I read thru your post and the last post suggests that you have made up your mind about what you really want for yourself. I am so happy for you for the fact that you have found a place to settle, that you are taking control of your life and your health, that you have decided not to let anyone stand in your way of your weightloss journey. It is very good on you that you have been able to identify and face your fears, your emotions and the obstacles that could stand in your way. You sound like you are now in a good space.

Just remember one thing, you are not alone. Our dimons might be different in someway but I think most of us do have major issues distracting us towards our healthy/weightloss journey. I am saying this coz as I was reading your post I just felt Rach might be having a problem with her mother, my problem could be with my friends, my colleagues or even worste with myself. Be strong and just push thru.

Good luck to you hun and as hard as it coluld be just carry on.

[waterbaby]

thanks again
i felt strong after I saw mum and felt strong in my resolve but I have continued to feel stressed, on edge and eating strangely.
Its not that I am bingeing, I am just eating poorly, not eating enough of the good stuff. I am also feeling extremely tired probably from all this stress and have only exercised once this week. I do not the energy or spark I have had over the past 8 weeks and struggling to get back into the groove!

not sure what to do. i am not fun to live with....
i guess I still feel resolved that i am on a different path of my own, but I am flat.
Perhaps its just a realisation that i have come to that has drained me so so much. i know stress makes me tired.
i guess this is teh ultimate test.
I have stopped (almost) excerscing, stopped tracking on CK and stopped being conscious of my eating.

I weigh in on Sunday and I need to prepare myself for no loss or gain and then move on.
So this is the big mega test for me, can I keep going on my own like I said I needed to? Know I need to....??
I so want to go to bed and sleep and eat chocolate . gotta get out of this rut and keep going!!!
arghhh

[curvygirl]

Wow what a journey. I can relate to some of the stuff in your post. I used to blame my Mum for alot of stuff in my life and then realised that it wasnt all her fault but the way that she was brought up. My Nana wasnt a nice women even to her children.One good thing came out of that realization was that I had to break the cycle with my kids.
Get back on your journey and break the cycle. Good Luck

[waterbaby]

hi curvy girl
you are right. need to break the cycle once and for all.
feeling crap all week and have let things return to censored. I allowed it so I guess I can stop it.
Your words just right
thanks
rach

[Bron74]

wow Rach, lots to work out. It sounds like you are on your way to working some out though. I think leaving her behind might not be the right words, but maybe making your own path is. Good on you in doing it and I think after time and seeing that you can lose weight she 'may?' follow your lead.
Keep going, get past this minor bump in the road. You'll get back to your energised self soon.

[Juan]

I almost read the whole thing. First of all I want to congratulate you on wanting to deal with your emotions. Second of all I agree that you need to take the lead and produce some change. First of all you need a plan. There are a lot of good fat loss programs a out there that you can use. You can visit my blof¿g at the link below and read about some of them. Second of all I think you need to take on a diet that you can sustain for ever. I don't mean 3 week or 5 week diets. I mean a diet you do always. Dieting doesn't mean you have to quit eating what you like (which usually means sweets and fattening foods) it just means you have to eat less of them and at certain times. You can go a to a nutritionist or once again in my blog I talk about a few.

Hope I helped.

[kotobird]

I think, like others have said, that you have touched on the core of so much of our shared food issues, and it is very brave of you to have shared all this in so much detail. The one thing we all must remember is that it is nobody's fault. I have blamed my family for so many of my issues, relating to food and otherwise, but time has taught me that when people don't treat each other in the best way, it is because they don't know how to. Our weaknesses make us act in the worst ways, and human beings are really not that often in real, conscious control of how they act. When we embark on the journey of trying to gain control over ourselves, our desires, the emotions that drive them, our thoughts, and changing our habits, well that's just about the hardest thing anyone could think of doing. So be kind to yourself, let's all be kind to ourselves, and allow ourselves the opportunity to learn, to grow and to finally, one day conquer our demons, and be free

[Butterfly_Dawn]

Wow.... just... wow. It was like reading parts of my own thinking in the way you are analysing your thoughts and situation. Nice insights and I'm glad you found some ways to work through it. Unfortunately for me I know what's causing my issues, but they haven't loosened their grip. Hope things are going well for you.

[fi_112]

Wow Rachella! I am in my final year studying psychology and I just wanted to commend you on your amazing self-awareness! You are already doing so well to have recognised all those things.
It will be really tough but keep working through those issues and making progress

[Butterfly_Dawn]

You too huh fi_112?