Just got this email from a friend. Uhm, I don't know how open the forum is to sexual topics but uhm, I think this is quite funny. If it offends anyone, please please moderators,. please delete it. But I bet you you'll find it pretty funny too:
Ok, we know you have always wanted to know just how many calories you can lose having censored. Here is a tongue in cheek look at the amount of calories you can burn during censored, sexual activities, foreplay and uh some other activities involving censored.
Possible Side Effects of Good censored
The first indication that censored was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. If censored was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days...
Swooning = 6 calories
Palpitations = 10 calories
Shortness of breath = 5 calories
Perspiring = 8 calories
Possible Side Effects of Bad censored
A less=than=sunny desposition = 1 calorie
Recovering from censored
Un entwining = 3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring censored, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) = 7 calories
Standing up = 9 calories
Getting some juice = 11 calories
Calories burned After sexual intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.) = 18 calories
During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) = 32 calories
During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) = 12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot = 80 calories
Trying Again
If the woman is ready = 5 calories
If the man is not = 156 calories
The Act of Insertion
Man is ready (same vice versa) = 1/4 calories
If the woman is not ready for censored (same vice versa) = 274 calories
Satisfying Partner Sexually (penis size)
Most experts agree that penis size means nothing. In those rare instances where a man has a small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder. whereas a man with a really large organ might not have to work as hard.
Normal size penis = 22 calories
Oversize = 15 calories
Tremendous = 8 calories
Teensy weensy = 163 calories
Multiple Orgasms
For women:
2 = 14 calories
5 = 30 calories
8 = 47 calories
(Depending her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to make the beds and cook supper.)
For Men:
2 = 21 calories
3 = 39 calories
4 = 57 calories
(Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. However, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)
censored Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp) = 3 calories
Wheezing = 5 calories
Squeals = 4 calories
Ecstatic moaning = 11 calories
Low growling = 8 calories
Squishing = 10 calories
Shouting = 16 calories
Screaming = 18 calories
Urgent begging = 22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions (”Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more”.) = 25 calories
Calories Burned in Various censored Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom = 20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that this position affords a better view of the clock.) = 25 calories
From the rear = 40 1/2 calories
Standing Both partners of equal height = 18 calories
Standing Woman 1 foot taller than a man = 90 calories
I swear no offense meant. When his hit the office, we were all just laughing out loud.
That's just classic! love it....
